My Alien Abduction

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Skurvy the Hamster, as told to David A Clark

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It was a dark and stormy night, much like this one. I was just snuggling down into my cedar chips when, suddenly, a bright light shined right in my eyes. At first I thought it was Man getting up for a midnight snack. You know, I don’t know why they don’t keep food in their bed like I do. But I digress.

I quickly realized that the light was coming through the window, and it was accompanied by a god-awful noise, almost like that damn Aerosmith album Woman listens to all the time. How she can call that junk “music” is beyond me. Give me Alvin and the Chipmunks any day!

Anyway, I thought maybe Man had slipped a tab of acid into my water bottle again, but then the door to my cage flew open and I felt myself floating up toward the ceiling fan. I don’t mind telling you, my little hamster life flashed before my eyes, all three months of it. I would rather face the neighbor’s cat than that fan. But I digress again.

I felt myself stop in midair and start moving horizontally in the direction of the sliding glass door that leads to the screened porch. They let me run around out there sometimes when it’s not too hot, so I know my way around, but I was a bit worried about that plate glass door. At the last moment, when I could almost feel the cold glass smashing against my nose, the door slid open by itself. As I drifted out onto the porch, I couldn’t help but notice that the place looked very different from three feet in the air.

Next thing I knew, I was Outside! I mean, I’ve never been Outside before, at least not that I can remember. I admit, I was scared shitless. Lightning streaked across the sky and thunder rolled. The wind made my fur stand up and the rain soaked right down to my skin. I never wanted my Mommy so badly as I did right at that moment.

I started moving straight up, through the beam of light, for what seemed like forever. Then, suddenly, I heard the sound of metal doors slamming shut and I was inside a dark room. A big dark room! There was a humming, whirling noise and the air smelled funny, kind of like the time Woman tried to cook a frozen pizza slice in the toaster.

Two creatures appeared out of the darkness. They were smaller than Man or Woman, and they were a grayish-green color with big, oval, black eyes. They reached out and took hold of me in midair. Their touch was gentle and warm, but their fingers were long, like the pencils Man gets all pissed off about if I chew them. They put me on my back in a small box that was lined with some kind of soft cloth that smelled like when Man flea-dips the pot-bellied pig.

Next thing I know, I got a tube up my nose and another one up my ass. I feel stuff going into me, then I feel stuff going out of me. Actually, I started to like it a little. Then one of them leaned over me and put some kind of drops in my eyes. I mean to tell you, I was out like a light, kind of like when Man left a glass of Schnapps near my cage once and I fell in trying to cop a lick.

Anyway, some time later, I don’t know how long because I can’t tell time, I woke up in my cage, cedar chips all over the place and my head this big. I still don’t know what to make of my experience, and if it weren’t for the raging case of hemorrhoids I had for a week afterward, I’d swear I dreamed the whole thing.

I know they’re out there, waiting behind that asteroid. I gotta figure out how to off myself so I can join up with the Heaven’s Gate group on that saucer before it leaves.

See ya. ◼