Gail’s Dating Tips
Date Within Your Species
No matter how many times a guy gives you the Big O, if you’re a card-carrying Democrat and he would disagree with the opinion that Ronald Reagan and George Bush practically governed this country back to the Stone Age, it’s time to move along. Even if you’re lucky enough to be dating a guy who’s as hot as all four members of Thin Lizard Dawn combined, Buddhists shouldn’t date Born-Agains, and people who don’t travel when Mercury is retrograde shouldn’t date those who think astrology is a crock. Make it easy on yourself — make a list of your values and beliefs and try them out on your next potential lover before you get hooked on the great sex and can’t escape.
The Fine Art of Non-Sexual Dating
I’ve never been one to “date” in the traditional sense of the word, and I don’t think my experience is unique. Either I date a guy once or twice and never see him again or he becomes my boyfriend for a period of anywhere from three months to six years. I don’t see the point of going on a series of “dates” with anyone who isn’t into me and I’m not the kind of girl who can sleep with more than one man at one time. A small percentage of women are able to do this. You can find them walking 11th Avenue or advertising in the Yellow Pages under “Escort Services.” But I digress. The point is it’s hard to get away from being an “all or nothing” gal.
Getting involved (i.e. having sex) with a guy before you really know him leads to all kinds of nasty problems like social embarrassment and broken hearts. Yucky! Fortunately, I discovered the fine art of non-sexual dating when I realized it is not necessary to have sex with every guy you go out with. A good place to meet dates is through the personal ads in a free weekly (every major city has one). By dating lots of different guys, I get a hard look at what’s really out there and, if we don’t hit it off, no one gets their toes stepped on. Occasionally, I get a nice meal out of it. I’ve been able to put off having casual sex for so long that I don’t even miss it anymore. I channel all the energy I previously spent obsessing over whether a guy is going to call me into transforming my apartment into a high-tech version of Pee Wee’s Playhouse. The important thing is, I get lots of “practice” dating — and practice, as they say, makes perfect.
How The Rules Saved My Life
Nothing turns a man on more than a woman who doesn’t want him. The Rules is a great book which proves this point, and delivers all kinds of juicy tips on how to have a successful relationship with a man. Written by Ellen Fein and Sherri Schneider, two women who know their shit when it comes to men, it is a must read for every woman. The Rules has gotten a bad rap in the media due to a belief that it’s all about playing head games and not being yourself around men. This is just stupid. While you will have to read The Rules yourself in order to learn and understand the subtle nuances of how to make them work for you, here is the bottom line: The Rules was written to keep women from making two fatal mistakes with men: 1. Getting involved with the wrong man, and 2. Getting involved with the right man too fast, thus scaring him off and blowing it. In other words, in the Game of Love as in any game, The Rules are there for your protection.
I was once dating a man who seemed like my dream guy. All was rosy at first, but soon he started taking me for granted and not treating me like the goddess that I am. Instead of panicking, calling him to ask what was wrong and, in general, acting like an idiot, I read The Rules. I then realized that if he was really the guy for me, he’d pursue me and, if he wasn’t interested, chasing after him wasn’t going to make any difference. While it was painful to realize Prince Charming was just a frog, I kept my dignity and let it die a quick death instead of torturing myself by “trying to make it work.” If every woman read and followed The Rules, soon enough they’d be obsolete, because men would act human. If you are in an unhappy relationship and have not read The Rules, well, I wish you luck.
Lessons I Learned, So You Don’t Have to
1. Relationships should be treated like Pregnancies: It’s safest not to talk about them until you’ve passed the three-month mark.
2. The adage that looks aren’t everything goes both ways. Just because a guy is good-looking doesn’t mean he’s the sharpest pencil in the box. Likewise, a guy who’s not so easy-on-the-eye could be surprisingly free of a conscience or any sense of loyalty. There’s just no substitute for checking out the merchandise before you decide to make the purchase.
3. Speaking from the perspective of a spiritual person, it’s important to be careful what you wish for, because you quite often get just that. Remember to add phrases like “Not married,” “Sane,” or “Employed” to your Dream Guy Wish List before you put it out there in the universe. You’ll be glad you did.
Older Woman/Younger Man
My brain screams “Danger, Will Robinson!” when I catch myself checking out a hot babe in his 20’s. Unfortunately, I dig young guys in a major way. I guess I find myself attracted to men who are basically still in the larval stage because I’m such a youngster at heart myself. Most guys over 30 just don’t yank my chain. Now, a lot can be said to argue that a difference in age is not a factor in how successful a relationship will be, and, to an extent, I can go along with that. But if you’re talking about, say, a guy in his ’20s and a woman in her ’30s, what you’ve got is a developmental difference that will rear it’s ugly head as soon as you take a break from the mind-numbing amount of sex you’re having. Once he realizes you make twice his salary and don’t want to be his Mommy, he will chew off his own foot to escape from what he perceives as a “trap.” You can’t put all the blame on him: he just wasn’t ready for you. Even so, there will be tears and sadness, so remember: forewarned is forearmed! If you must seek meaningful relationships with younger guys, take the time to make sure he can handle the full voltage of your reality before the “L” word gets thrown around. And if you’re one of those nearly extinct breed of woman who can just fuck a guy and not get emotionally attached, by all means, go for it because they sure do look good naked.
“If you were the Last Man on Earth, I’d still be looking for Batteries”
I’ve been feeling rather mean-spirited towards men lately. Maybe it has something to do with the completely inappropriate way my last boyfriend broke off our relationship. First he claims me as his Rock and Roll Dream Girl (his words) and tells me he loves me. Then he starts acting like he owes me money. What’s up with that shit? One day he whips off this line: “I’m not in love with you, and I think you want me to be,” thus taking all of the responsibility for being a dickhead off himself and making me feel like our relationship only went on in my head. It was hard to keep from wrapping his hair around my fist and slamming his stupid head through the wall, but I love my apartment and didn’t want to have his blood splatter on my comforter. Blood stains can be a bitch to get out.
My point: Make any guy earn your love, and you’ll avoid the — albeit brief — inconvenience of getting distracted by fucked up pieces of shit who don’t know what the hell they want. Until murder is legal, it’s the best defense you’ve got.
My least favorite holiday in the universe is Valentines Day. Thus, I refer to it by a more appropriate name: Valloween. In celebration of Valloween I offer the following guidelines for men who hope to score with their ladies on February 14th, or any other day.
Ways to make sure you will not be getting any sex
(all based on blind dates I have been on)
1. Ask me to split the check with you.
2. Be over an hour late to our date.
3. Tell me you look like that hot guy from ER, but resemble a cross between Woody Allen and a Middle Eastern terrorist.
4. Claim you are six feet tall but be about my height (5’6″).
5. When I look at you from across the table, tell me to “Stop staring” at you.
6. After a movie ending at 9 PM, announce that you are “too exhausted” to go out for food and really “just want to go home and crash.” Tell me you will call me tomorrow. Don’t call.
7. Mention other women you are fucking.
8. Show me a picture of your child by an ex-girlfriend, whom you didn’t care enough about to marry, yet somehow forgot to use birth control with.
9. Light up a cigarette and blow smoke in my face.
10. Confess that you are unemployed, and ask if I can help you get a job in the music journalism field.
11. Forget how to speak.
12. Don’t shave.
13. When I ask where we are going for dinner, say “Some place cheap.”
As Good as it Gets
Now I will tell you a happy story about a man I like. He is tall and dark haired, with a goatee and a pleasingly athletic build. He lives downtown, near me, and is the best friend of a friend of mine. He seems to have a gentle temperament, likes weed, and has shown me an album of his photos taken while sight-seeing in India. He works in the same field as me, and once wrote me a kind and friendly note when we interacted professionally, giving me his direct phone number at work. I found this note very sexy. Am I out of practice or what? Furthermore, my friend who introduced us has told me that this guy is a real “Guy’s guy, if you know what I mean,” and that he cheated on his long-term girlfriend with more than one other female. Not the greatest credentials, to a person of my highly monogamous disposition. Although I do know someone who’s investigated his abilities, shall we say. She would doubtless urge me to do whatever crossed my mind with his young body, as this is her solution to everything.
The odd thing is, my instinct about him says, “This is a good man.” What this probably means is that cheating is not actually illegal — although that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t upset me horribly. It doesn’t mean I’d be able to live with it, either. I find that I would like to become extremely close friends with him but not have sex. I liked the way, while I was learning to play dominoes at our mutual friend’s party the other evening, he softly said, “I’ll help you.” Ooh! He does that little thing to me. You know, “that little thing.” He’s good fantasy material, and for now maybe a domino partner is all the commitment I can risk.