Selected 41st Annual Grammy Nominees
With commentary by James Mann
Yeah, we know that the Grammys are the epitome of lame. Any award where our parents recognize any of the entrants for must be bogus, right? That said, let’s make sure we give those fortunate enough to be nominated the skewering they deserve.
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Single of the Year
“The Boy Is Mine,” Brandy & Monica
Never heard it, but it sounds like a Saturday morning cartoon.
“My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion
Why?
“Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls
Well, the best of a bad lot.
“Ray of Light,” Madonna
Fake electronica? Next, please?
“You’re Still the One,” Shania Twain
There aren’t words yet created to describe how bad this is. She looks real good in a tight dress, however. And before you write and say that’s sexist – I didn’t see a gun at her head in the videos.
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Album of the Year
The Globe Sessions, Sheryl Crow
Sounds nice in an elevator.
Version 2.0, Garbage
Generic title, forgettable music. Big-time sophomore slump.
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Lauryn Hill
This is da bomb. I’m jiggy wit it. Go girlfriend.
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Song of the Year
(award goes to songwriter)
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Diane Warren
Like when I can make a deposit at the bank.
“Iris,” John Rzeznik
Okay, he once jammed with Paul Westerberg. Close enough. He wins.
“Lean on Me,” Kirk Franklin
Nice touch. Use a classic song title. Wait till we hear “Amazing Grace” by the Spice Girls.
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New Artist
Backstreet Boys
Since whoever wins this category generally drops rapidly into total “where are they now”-ness, these guys really need to ace this.
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Male Pop Vocal Performance
“Save Tonight,” Eagle-Eye Cherry
Son of Don Cherry, brother of Neneh. Catchy song, but the video irks the crap out of me.
“My Father’s Eyes,” Eric Clapton
Hey, Eric. This sucks. Can I have your guitars, since you ain’t gonna use ‘em?
“Lullaby,” Shawn Mullins
Pretty good song for a boy from Atlanta. Let ‘em have it.
“You Were Meant for Me,” Sting
I thought he died.
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Pop Performance by a Duo or Group
“I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” Aerosmith
This is strange. Didn’t there used to be a rock band named “Aerosmith”?
“One Week,” Barenaked Ladies
Great song, and worth it just to hear their name over and over on TV.
“Crush,” Dave Matthews Band
Oh, don’t tempt me. Music for people who don’t like music.
“Jump Jive an’ Wail,” Brian Setzer Orchestra
Hey, they didn’t give Prima a Grammy, why Setzer?
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Pop Album
Oh, just go out and buy beer during this part of the show…
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Female Rock Vocal Performance
“Raspberry Swirl,” Tori Amos
Really, wouldn’t ya love to smack her? I don’t advocate violence as a rule, but it would make her hush for a second…
“There Goes the Neighborhood,” Sheryl Crow
Truer words never spoken.
“Glass House,” Ani DiFranco
Miss anti-bidness gets a nod. Tough chicks rule.
“Uninvited,” Alanis Morissette
Well, I didn’t ask her to come over – did you?
“Can’t Let Go,” Lucinda Williams
Good song from a great performer’s worst album.
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Male Rock Vocal Performance
“Everybody Here Wants You,” Jeff Buckley
By a dead guy. I mean, if he was alive, nobody would have heard this.
“Almost Saturday Night,” John Fogerty
Hey, cool song. Or it was, 20 years ago. When ya playin’ Vegas?
“Fly Away,” Lenny Kravitz
Great song, cool groove. Word up!
“Your Life Is Now,” John Mellencamp
Kinda funny from a guy who had a near death experience…
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Rock Performance by a Duo or Group
“Pink,” Aerosmith
…and slimy and crawling under the covers, too old to get up and answer the door.
“The Way,” Fastball
Cool song, way overplayed. Kinda Zen-like, don’t ya think?
“Celebrity Skin,” Hole
Who wrote this album for her?
“Bitter Sweet Symphony,” The Verve
…in a shoe commercial?
“Heroes,” The Wallflowers
Hey, let’s give old Dave a proper burial, all right?
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Hard Rock Performance
“Psycho Circus,” Kiss
“I wanna use my Kiss Visa Card All Night… and party with my IRA”
“The Dope Show,” Marilyn Manson
Well, you don’t call it smoking some smart, now do ya?
“Fuel,” Metallica
Sure, why not. Love to see ‘em play it live on primetime TV.
“Most High,” Jimmy Page and Robert Plant
They would know.
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Metal Performance
“Fried Chicken and Coffee,” Nashville Pussy
They gotta win. And somebody like Garth Brooks has to present the award.
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Rock Album
Premonition, John Fogerty
Version 2.0, Garbage
Celebrity Skin, Hole
Okay, why not. She’s rude, she rocks, and she’s sure to show up lookin’ nasty.
Before These Crowded Streets, Dave Matthews Band
I know a way to clear said streets.
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Alternative Music Performance
Hello Nasty, Beastie Boys
Well, as long as they donate the money to Tibet, they can stay.
Is This Desire?, PJ Harvey
Hot damn. Polly Jean, will you marry me?
Airbag/How Am I Driving?, Radiohead
The band of the decade. Music for people who can think…
Adore, The Smashing Pumpkins
Kill them. Literally, figuratively, whatever.
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Female Country Vocal Performance
Sorry, I just can’t comment on the country stuff. It’s like a restaurant review of Burger King… ◼
