News of the Dumb

Jason Feifer

Drug dealers searched to pay

Flaunting a monkey-see-monkey-do attitude, hippies-turned-parents are taking after the lawsuits against tobacco companies and tracking down drug pushers. Claiming an inability to properly run a family due to frequent acid flashbacks, these post-hippies want to sue the people that sold them their acid all those years ago for their current mental states.

“I was told about the ill effects of acid, but the drug dealers still sold it to me. I was a hippie! They should have known better!” cries 54-year-old mother of two, Moonshine Schwartzberg.

Running into many obstacles including the apparent death of everyone who dealt drugs in the ’60s, victims of acid such as Schwartzberg are not being deterred. “If people can sue for lung cancer, I can sue for flashbacks. Plain and simple.”

Schwartzberg then excused herself to go chase after a floating blue rabbit named Herman.

Families with parents that have acid flashbacks are littering America, and the parents are finally finding someone to pass the blame onto. “I can’t take my daughters to ballet practice, I can’t go grocery shopping, and it was a hell of a time breast-feeding. Once, I thought my daughter was my ex-husband, and I started moaning in the process.”

Schwartzberg’s eldest daughter, 9-year-old Star, laughs at her mother’s account as she lights up a joint. “Mom, you’re the bomb,” she exclaims. The mother and daughter then exchanged a high-five.

Continues mom, “I can’t run a normal family, and it’s sad. It’s all the drug dealer’s fault. They WILL be sued.”

Anyone with any information leading to a man named John who had a beard in the ’60s should contact local authorities. Schwartzberg claims this man was her number one dealer.

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TV, bombs drop in Kosovo

In the wake of NATO’s conference, new measures are being taken to spread and worsen the conflict in Kosovo. Deciding to cut all gasoline into the country and then destroy their major television network, the bombing is promised to continue until at least half the Albanians NATO wants to save are dead.

For the past month, bombs have been dropping in Yugoslavia, destroying buildings, military forces, and innocent civilians. “I think we’re doing the right thing over there,” said President Clinton. When asked about all the children being killed by erroneous bombs, Clinton responded by shrugging his shoulders and saying “You win some, you lose some, you know?”

The destruction of the Serbian television station is considered a large win for NATO, as there is no more propaganda being spread about how bad the United States is. Explained Clinton, “We know that, while we’re bombing the country, people are sitting at home watching their televisions and being brainwashed into thinking America is an evil country. We want them to go outside and see for themselves how great and strong America is. Look, we’re dropping bombs EVERYWHERE!”

Serbian propaganda has convinced a country’s worth of people that the foreign nation bombing them has ulterior motives, which has led to many American flags burning in the streets of Kosovo. Sources also indicate that the television station was airing re-runs of M*A*S*H .

Possibilities of dropping pro-America pamphlets were seriously considered after the Serbian television propaganda had been shut down. Claiming that the best way to end conflict is to educate, a few members of NATO drew up fliers that would have explained to Serbians that Albanians are nice people too. However, the idea was quickly discarded when a member pointed out that the fliers might result in paper cuts.

“We didn’t want to make them suffer, and paper cuts would have done just that. If we’re going to kill someone over there, it’s going to be swift. Like a bomb. Paper cuts just plain hurt,” explains Clinton.

The notion of sending over ground troops has also been toyed with, insiders say. With ground troops, individual civilians can be targeted instead of just many inside a building. Says Clinton, “We know this might not be the quickest way to kill everyone, but it’ll certainly put our men to work! All that’s needed now is good communication so that we don’t end up bombing our ground troops. That would truly be a tragedy.”

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Lucky not so lucky

Losing the war for tobacco, the Marlboro Man steps down to join Joe Camel in the ranks of unemployed marketing characters. Both have been targeted for appealing to children and, consequently, encouraging smoking at an early ago. Now, in the wake of these tremendous wins for anti-smoking advocates, another old face may be ousted from the world of marketing: Lucky, the small Irish character from Lucky Charms.

“Kids can’t think for themselves!” exclaims Judge Rudolph Baker, as he lit a cigarette. “They see a cartoon character, and immediately associate it with goodness and fun. When a little child sees a cartoon camel with a smile on their face and a cigarette, the first thing they want to do is chain smoke. I’m sure some research project proved that.”

With just that mentality, the Food and Drug Administration has taken Lucky Charms to court, claiming that children are unknowingly drawn to eat the cereal without the foresight to first read the nutrition information. Although both the Trix Rabbit and the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios have been under investigation as well, Lucky has fallen as an easy target.

Cries FDA representative Edward Polari, “There’s gelatin in Lucky Charms marshmallows, which kids may not know about. Lucky runs around with children in every commercial, yet never does he inform these children of the gelatinous content of Lucky Charms.”

As an added suit against the cereal, these children that Lucky is seen with are never seen with their parents. Claiming to promote not only uninformed eating but a lack of family values as well, the suit against Lucky Charms is quickly growing.

“Kids can’t think for themselves!” exclaims Judge Rudolph Baker, as he lit another cigarette. “They see a cartoon character, and immediately associate it with goodness and fun. When a little child sees a cartoon Irish man running around with children, the first thing they want to do is chain smoke. I’m sure some research project proved that.”

Lucky Charms is fighting back, claiming that since there is no marshmallow in the shape of an Irish man, Lucky does not directly represent the cereal. If the FDA wins, the cereal company will be required to drop Lucky as their mascot and, amongst millions of dollars worth of fines, replace Lucky with an FDA-approved character. Although not confirmed, sources say that the FDA’s character will be Hoofy, a severed horse hoof with its cartilage oozing out.

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Regulations make schools safe

In light of the recent school slaughtering in Colorado, school officials nationwide are taking a stance to protect their students. Fearing copy-cat killers, numerous studies have been done to pinpoint what dangerous articles of clothing are, and how to stop children from wearing them.

“Recognizing warning signs in the way kids dress is obviously the first step in controlling what could possibly be a terribly threatening situation in schools nationwide,” claims Atlanta schoolboard chairman, Alan Feldmen.

Taking a survey of news-informed housewives, all schools in Atlanta and, to be implemented in the coming weeks, all of Georgia, have decided that no school-attending minor under the age of 20 will be able to wear any kind of pants. Explains Feldmen, “The board noted, after the interviews, that pants have pockets which could easily conceal a handgun or grenade.”

Under new law, fourteen thousand students in South Dakota were arrested on Monday for not walking with their hands above their heads. “We realized how easy it would be for a student to be carrying a firearm behind their back, and decided the best way to go about it would be the have the students’ arms in the air at all times. This way, we could see exactly what they were carrying,” says South Dakota’s schoolboard secretary, Evan Sanders.

“My arms were just tired. After the tingly sensation went away, my right arm was completely numb. I just needed a rest,” pleads Rallipar High School senior Jamie Liss.

Copy-cats nationwide are already popping up, and are all being taken into custody under newly-strict security measures.

In Long Island’s Oceanside High School, a student was briskly taken away by cops after stepping on a peer’s foot. “This aggressive behavior can’t be tolerated in schools anymore,” explains police chief Carl Barthol.

“It was just an accident! What the hell?” is the plea of convicted student, who has been asked by the police department of Oceanside to remain nameless.

“This needs to stop. The chaos in America’s schools needs to stop, and it starts with responsible committees. The students have been lead astray for too long. We’re going to be forming committees for everything now, and soon something like what happened in Colorado will be a horrible thing of the past,” claimed Alan Feldmen at a press conference Sunday evening. “We need to save our country’s students from themselves. We have to control the country’s future, or it’ll go to [expletive]. That’s all.”

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Games linked to youth mentality

When Jim Traiton’s son began violently jumping on the family pets, killing two cats and injuring a snapper turtle named Hesky, he immediately phoned police. Responding to the call, thirteen officers showed up at the Traiton’s residence in Southern California to investigate. What they found is just another case in the long line of what may turn into a large suit against video gaming systems.

“I didn’t know what it was. I thought maybe he was possessed by Satan,” explains the concerned father.

Officers immediately searched the house and uncovered a cartridge labeled Super Mario 3 , a popular children’s video game featuring Italian men who jump on and squash their opponents/animals. The conclusion was immediately reached that Jim’s son, who has asked to remain anonymous, was brainwashed into copying the actions he saw on the video game in front of him.

Upon hearing the news, Traiton responded, “Come to think of it, I thought I heard something about lasagna as my son was jumping on Frisky [the cat]. Those damn Italians!”

After the Colorado high school shootings have been linked to the students’ playing of violent video games where people kill each other with guns, the pattern all around America has become startlingly clear.

In Wisconsin, a ten-year-old boy was taken into custody after violently bashing his body into his parents and nearby walls. Explains his mother, “For years, we had assumed he was blind. But now we know it was because he was playing Tetris .”

Tetris , a popular Russian video game where players move variously shaped blocks together to form a puzzle, has been named as the culprit in many physical injuries nationwide. Added the Wisconsin mother, “Those damn Russians!”

In North Dakota, seven teenagers were arrested for shooting a flock of ducks. The old Nintendo game Duck Hunt was blamed for the slaughter.

America’s youth is obviously being corrupted by these video games. It’s very clear to see. Look at the way the older generations turned out by not having video games. “We’re much more suited for rational thought,” says Los Angeles police sergeant Bobby Jerome.

If you or someone you know has children playing any kind of video game, it is advised to remove the video game immediately from the premises. Adds Jerome, “We’re just lucky that no kids have discovered Zelda yet. The last thing we need in this country is magical swords that shoot things.”

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Racism at work no more

After a grueling twenty-three minutes of debate Thursday, the Senate passed a bill that promises to solve all racial tensions in the work-field. In the midst of many problems nationwide relating to racial misunderstandings, this new Work Coexistence Act was proposed to comfort all workers and restore what Florida Senator William Henley calls “the peaceful coexistence amongst our great nation’s laboring men and women.”

Continues Henley, “the way to create a peaceful coexistence is obviously not to try and solve their problems. It’s to completely segregate them.” Proposed in the new act, which was passed 49-1, any business wishing to hire people of mixed races must open up identical locations for each race. For instance, if a police station wanted to hire both black and white police officers, they would be required to open another identical police station next door. One would be filled with white officers, while African-American officers would run the second.

“We see this as the best way to solve the problem, as there can no longer be any more confusions of inappropriate racist ‘jokes’ played on members of a different race,” contends Henley at a recent press conference. “Neither race would feel oppressed, as the business is required to give them the same benefits regardless of which of the twin buildings they would work in.”

Many small businesses have already filed complaints, claiming that they don’t have the money to open up identical offices to support their mixed-race staff. Many pointed out that large chains would have no problem accomplishing this, as they already have identical stores nationwide. Many, in fact, are less than a few blocks away from each other.

“Sure, that’s something we considered. And to be honest, helping out large chains is something we’ve been trying to do for a long time. We feel that if the government is essentially a monopoly, other monopolies should be allowed. Bill Clinton is a big fan of Ticketmaster and Microsoft!” exclaimed Henley.

Yet it’s not all fun and games in the Senate, as a sole member, who wished to remain anonymous, felt a violent opposition to the movement.

“Frankly, I’m ashamed. A few scuffles and it ruins the world for the rest of us. I’ve never had a problem with anyone of a different race, and I can speak for many of my co-workers when I say the same. It’s a shame that it’s come to this,” the outcast Senator said in a recent phone interview. “I would, however, be in favor of building separate identical buildings for different sexes. Just last week I told an intern she looked nice, and she threatened to file a suit against me. It’s out of control.”

Unidentified sources confirm that an amendment to the Work Coexistence Act is currently moving through Congress, requiring just this sexual segregation in the workplace. Upon being informed of this, the anonymous Senator exclaimed, “Well, hot damn! I didn’t know that!”

When asked if there would be a separate Senate building for proper segregation, Henley replied in confusion, “Hmm, it seems we never thought about that. I guess taxes will be raised next year, huh?” he laughed. Senators around Henley nodded in agreement. ◼