Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Nirav Soni.
Judge: Be Seated. We have here the case of The State of Reason vs. Covenant. How do you plead?
Covenant: Not guilty, your honor.
Crowd: Hang ’em!
Judge: Let us hear the opening statements of the prosecution and the defense.
Prosecution: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I implore you to see through this tripe that we are fed. They call it music, I call it trash. Allow me to point out Exhibit A: Mark Stewart’s Consumed Remixes. Take special care to listen to The Program Mix of “Consumed” by No-U-Turn. Notice the thick, gel-like, wicked breakbreat. Now let us hear the exact same break in the first song on the defendant’s CD. Notice how the sample is barely covered, and comprises most of the song. Notice how it is not manipulated in any way. Ladies and Gentlemen, have you ever seen such deplorable conduct? And the remainder of the CD makes no attempt to reconcile their heinous actions! Can you help but wilt from boredom at the tedious “Disco Calculi” remixes? Can you help but groan at the trite and banal lyrics of “Consumer”? Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to your sense of everything that is good and just in this world to punish these fiends to the full extent of your ability!
Judge: The defense may now plead their case.
Defense: Your Honor, even though I understand that it is my legalresponsibility, I cannot willfully defend such scum. Their attempts at “quirky” electronica make me want to hide my Kraftwerk in shame. Your Honor, I must excuse myself from this case.
Defendants: (They sit expressionless in their chairs. They are way too cool and hip to react to this news)
Judge: Very well. Jury, have you reached a conclusion?
Jury: We find the defendants guilty on all counts.
Crowd: Lynch ’em!
Judge: The defendants are found shite as charged. I sentence to you to grovel at the feet of ABBA, and to remaster their back catalog over and over with no chance of parole. DISMISSED!
Metropolis Records, P.O. Box 54307, Philadelphia, PA 19105; http://www.metropolis-records.com