Bailiff: All rise for the Honorable Judge Nirav Soni.

Judge: Be Seated. We have here the case of The State of Reason vs. Covenant. How do you plead?

Covenant: Not guilty, your honor.

Crowd: Hang ’em!

Judge: Let us hear the opening statements of the prosecution and the defense.

Prosecution: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I implore you to see through this tripe that we are fed. They call it music, I call it trash. Allow me to point out Exhibit A: Mark Stewart’s Consumed Remixes. Take special care to listen to The Program Mix of “Consumed” by No-U-Turn. Notice the thick, gel-like, wicked breakbreat. Now let us hear the exact same break in the first song on the defendant’s CD. Notice how the sample is barely covered, and comprises most of the song. Notice how it is not manipulated in any way. Ladies and Gentlemen, have you ever seen such deplorable conduct? And the remainder of the CD makes no attempt to reconcile their heinous actions! Can you help but wilt from boredom at the tedious “Disco Calculi” remixes? Can you help but groan at the trite and banal lyrics of “Consumer”? Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to your sense of everything that is good and just in this world to punish these fiends to the full extent of your ability!

Judge: The defense may now plead their case.

Defense: Your Honor, even though I understand that it is my legalresponsibility, I cannot willfully defend such scum. Their attempts at “quirky” electronica make me want to hide my Kraftwerk in shame. Your Honor, I must excuse myself from this case.

Defendants: (They sit expressionless in their chairs. They are way too cool and hip to react to this news)

Judge: Very well. Jury, have you reached a conclusion?

Jury: We find the defendants guilty on all counts.

Crowd: Lynch ’em!

Judge: The defendants are found shite as charged. I sentence to you to grovel at the feet of ABBA, and to remaster their back catalog over and over with no chance of parole. DISMISSED!

Metropolis Records, P.O. Box 54307, Philadelphia, PA 19105;

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked with *

Cancel reply

Recently on Ink 19...

  • Preservation Hall Jazz Band
    Preservation Hall Jazz Band

    So It Is (Legacy). Review by Bob Pomeroy.

  • Justin Townes Earle
    Justin Townes Earle

    Kids In The Street (New West Records). Review by James Mann.

  • From Montenegro to Moldova: The Best of SEEFest 2017
    From Montenegro to Moldova: The Best of SEEFest 2017

    For the twelfth year, the South East European Film Festival (SEEfest) in Los Angeles showcased an impressive lineup of new features and shorts. Lily and Generoso Fierro provide a festival wrap up and their picks for the films that you cannot miss.

  • Christian Scott
    Christian Scott

    Rebel Ruler (Ropeadope / Stretch Music). Review by Bob Pomeroy.

  • Kivanç Sezer
    Kivanç Sezer

    Turkish director Kivanç Sezer’s powerful debut feature, My Father’s Wings, puts the spotlight on the workplace safety crisis that is currently taking place in his homeland. Lily and Generoso Fierro spoke with Sezer at SEEFest 2017 about his film and his need to draw attention to this issue.

  • Temples

    Supporting their just-released sophomore record, UK synth-pop poster boys, Temples, attracted an SRO crowd to one of Orlando’s premier nightspots.

  • Rat Film
    Rat Film

    Baltimore. Rats. A match made in Maryland.

  • Bishop Briggs
    Bishop Briggs

    Bishop Briggs brings a stacked bill of up and comers to Orlando for a sold-out party at The Social. Jen Cray joins in the fun.

  • Rumble: The Indians Who Rocked The World
    Rumble: The Indians Who Rocked The World

    There’s more than black music influencing the evolution of Rock and Roll. Native American rhymes and ideas are every bit as significant, once you know to look for them.

  • Keith Morris
    Keith Morris

    Ink 19 slings a few questions to the punk rock pioneer Keith Morris on Trump, Calexit and looking back.

From the Archives