School is For Fools

David Lee Beowülf

Over the years, in the pages/ether of Ink 19, I’ve had a regular “go” at education in the US of A. I’ve identified the problems and provided solutions. Well, now it’s time for me to come out of the reflection and admit I’ve been wrong.

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Frankly, there will always be students who persevere and work their way out of the worst of the public schools. Likewise, there will always be the children of the rich who go to the best private schools and snag the best jobs, that is, in the event they actually have to “work.”

And it doesn’t matter one rat’s ass hair what they’re taught, what they’ve learned, and what they’re prepared to do. They are not the future. They are their own future and I really don’t give a rat’s ass hair what their future is.

I do, however, give plenty of rat’s ass hairs about my future and “those damned kids” had better not get in my way. I’m not concerned about competition for work, not a bit. I’m just as good, if not better (certainly a lot faster) at what I do than the bowel movements graduated from the higher academic rest rooms of this country. I chalk that up to lots of free time spent playing video games and listening to punk rock. Besides, these kids don’t want to work, so they will stay out of my way. And I certainly won’t forget how easy they are to manipulate…

But enough about me.

Let’s talk about the kids of tomorrow.

First of all, the kids right now are downright dangerous. I think it’s in the best interest of me, and the rest of the sane, reasonable, sensible, careful adults out there, to address this problem…

Today’s schoolyard bully is tomorrow’s death row inmate or, at best, a career criminal. I don’t care about him, though medication might help (from what I understand, several grains of lead administered cranially does wonders), the bullies only make their victims stronger, thus they serve a vital purpose. The kids who shoot up their schools, rarer than hen’s teeth they may be, also serve a vital purpose: weeding out the herd.

I rank the Dylan and Erics of the world up there with motorcycles being sold to sixteen year olds and heroin addiction being a status symbol. Let’s put it this way: I don’t want to be the schmuck who’s driving on the other side of the road when Igor, helmetless and traveling twice the speed limit, crosses the yellow line and addresses my windshield. I also don’t want Siglunde, over there, to burn down my apartment because she stupidly left a million candles lit in her apartment and went to sleep. I also don’t want Manfred, with his fresh tattoos and oozing piercings, touching my food.

Thusly, I am advocating a program for preventing such: Protecting Against Violence With Violence. In the first place, violent children, that would be the ones who “started it,” are to be put to death, along with their teachers, immediately. Why the teacher? Well, she knew the kid was trouble and didn’t do anything about it, tough beans. This will have a value-added effect of opening jobs for more teachers. For those children who’ve not been summarily executed by the local school board’s “auditors,” there will be regular, daily field trips to automobile accidents. Won’t that promote a desire to see gore? Oh, I forgot, you wire the kids up to an electronic “sensitivity device” prior to getting off the bus. To discourage a life of crime, field trips to Arab countries will be fully state subsidized, so that the kids may witness justice for thieves. There might be an added bonus of those children who “just don’t get the message” to participate• Boy that came in “handy.” Children who don’t show a desire to observe hygienic habits that have, as a matter of fact, made this the greatest nation on earth, will have a chance to visit various equatorial countries after floods and other natural disasters, in order to learn survival techniques, those surviving will be shot on sight.

For the kids who see the light at the beginning, there will be lessons in the values of looking both ways before you cross the street, the importance of speaking clearly and concisely, the value of other common courtesies, and of course, the rewards of being a good citizen, most notably, the privilege of pulling the trigger on their less apt peers – chaperoned, of course.

I think that should about do it.

What about drugs in school? What about sex, AIDS, and teen pregnancy? Well, there’s not many more rat’s ass hairs out there, so I’m not giving any. I’d wager that 99% of the kids in school today have parents who did or do drugs, and by gosh, they hold down jobs and pay taxes, so who cares? If some moron ODs and dies, well, I think I hit at the benefits in the above paragraphs. AIDS? Ditto. Besides, I’d wager that 99% of the kids in school today have parents who boinked their way through school and life, and by gosh, they hold down jobs and pay taxes. Unwed teen mothers? Like I care? (Why do you care?) I bet there’s even some kids in school, whose parents listened to punk rock and heavy metal music, and by gosh, even they hold down jobs and pay taxes. Some can even afford cars! ◼