Don’t Be Such a Shitty Director

by Chuck Bantam

What in the hell were you thinking about when you made that movie “The Cell”? Man, I’ve watched some uninteresting wastes of time before, but that shit stain will last forever. I can’t even walk past the box at the video store and not grimace, since I’m reminded of that disagreeable experience. I’d really like to know what made that film possible. Why would you do something like that?

When I think of the time that must have been spent working on that ridiculous excuse to waste money, questions start to rise. I mean, people actually worked on this thing for at least a year right? Many, many people. Grips probably busted their asses every day during production. Set designers probably stayed up late coming up with new ideas for their next location. Actors….whoa! Wait a minute, I’m forgetting Jennifer Lopez is in that fiasco… Um, people who attempted to act had to pat each other on the back and convince themselves they were doing something worthwhile for a long time. So with all this in mind, what was the driving force here? Was it just money or was there some magical inspiration that had everyone fueled and ready to disgrace their names for this new powerful belief. To me, it is almost like a group of children smelling a fart and getting excited because they never smellled one before, not realizing that it comes from inside of someone’s ass. What could make someone believe that was actually a good film?

I’m watching this movie. I’m following along wondering why this guy’s mind that “J-Lo” is walking around in is so fucked up. It turns out that his dad hurt him. Oh man! That is so deep and creative and interesting and wow could I be any more sarcastic? Daddy hurt him? What a fucking cop out! Come on people, of course that is gonna mess someone up, could we try and be a little more creative here? We are in someone else’s mind; the possiblities are infinite. That right there is the source of all of the problems. There are millions of different things that could happen but the creators of this film did nothing new. The big finale is a fist fight. What the fuck? Someone is in your mind and you fist fight them? Why didn’t the guy imagine himself as a giant or make the walls and floor come to life and kill her or imagine he was invisible or anything other that a fist fight? This guy has the ability to think about anything he wants and make it happen but he goes out being punched by Jennifer Lopez. The movie only raised the ideas that something new was going to happen and then pulled the plug. We see this giant bodybuilder woman in the middle of this mess. She carries our heroine into a large room draped with curtains. The curtains turned out to be a man’s cape so big and massive that the entire room is masked by it. As the man walks forward the cape is pulled with him revealing the walls of this chamber. It is all very visually stimulating but “J-Lo” decides to scream and wake herself up. We never go back to that room, we never see the bodybuilder again, and the next time we see the man with the cape his clothes are much less interesting. Then there is the whole scene where poor Jenny Lo can’t decide if she is going to go back into the killer’s mind or not. Please don’t jerk me off. The movie isn’t over. Of course she’s going back in, you unoriginal fuck. Don’t be such an asshole.

I wish you would stop making movies like this. I really feel sorry for the talented people you rope into this crap who have no idea how bad it is until they see the final product and feel you pissing all over the backs of their necks. With the exception of J-Lo, I don’t feel sorry for her she sucks anyway. I think that directors like you are ruining a good thing. That movie is like cancer. I see more and more like it all of the time. People are hooked by the basic formula you used because they are used to it. They are dazzled by the visuals and they think they are watching a good thing. It’s all a lie. Don’t lie to your audience and don’t be such a shitty director.