Destiny’s Child

Destiny’s Child

This is the Remix

Columbia

In the last couple years, Destiny’s Child has had one of the most enviable, substantial, and critically adored stable of singles since Madonna or Motown. But since pimply, misspelled-sign-waving TRL fans with weekly identity crises pay DC’s bills, bills, bills, the trio might find it wise to cash in while they’re still jumpin’ jumpin’.

Destiny’s Child are the only ladies mugging with Carson Daly worth the endless Supremes comparisons, and the only pop group infectious enough to be championed by dour indie-rockers and Elvis Costello. Certainly a remix album featuring the very cream of the producer crop — Timbaland, Neptunes, Rockwilder, Jermaine Dupree — has to be hotter than a Tijuana firehouse in July, right? Absurd similes aside, hells no.

This is the Remix (named after the fact that Wyclef Jean won’t fucking stop saying “this is the reeeemix.” Like we forgot.) is so savagely disappointing, one would be hard-pressed to find at least one salvageable moment from its excruciating 58 minute duration. The untouchable Neptunes — whose remix work is so stellar that they once made Limp Bizkit sound halfway tolerable — phoned in a lugubrious, simplistic remake of “Emotion.” Timbaland apparently set his drum machine to “Timbaland,” left the room, and let one of his filthy buddies talk naughty into the microphone. Rockwilder submitted that godawful “Bootylicious” remix that MTV played for a week… before quickly returning to the far superior Stevie Nicks-samplin’ version.

To be fair, the CD does have some amazing moments — but every one of them has been well-documented to the point of overkill. The Jermaine Dupree and Lil’ Bow Wow version of “Jumpin’ Jumpin'” is priceless blip-funk, but is probably best purchased on the single that came out two years ago (especially since this version is painfully encumbered by a four-minute house remix as a coda). The Wyclef Jean remix of “No, No, No” is fondly remembered by hardcore Destiny-heads as the song that broke them in the first damn place. Ridiculous and redundant.

Oh, Rodney Jerkins, where art thou?

Columbia Records: http://www.columbiarecords.com

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