Don’t Be So Fucking Populated
by Chuck Bantam
Hi. How’s it going? Woops! Sorry, didn’t mean to bump into you man. Next time I’ll… Ouch! Shit! Excuse me, I was just trying to talk to my friend over here. Fuck! Man, look out you’re gonna hit that! Damn! That had to hurt. Alright everybody, just stop moving for a second and I think we can get through this. Hey… it’s really crowded here. Come to think of it, it’s really crowded everywhere.
Can somebody tell me why there has to be so many people on this planet? Evereywhere I go there is always someone. When I’m driving, every person in my city seems to be going to the same place I’m going. If I go to a fast food place for lunch, three hundred people have a craving for the same food. When I go to the mall I wish I was wearing football gear to knock some motherfuckers down. There are just people stacked upon people stacked upon shit that people want, sold by more fucking people. I don’t even think about going out to bars or dance clubs anymore and I dare not go to a public swimming pool on a hot afternoon. Sweaty, frustrated, walking globs of worthless meat are everywhere. They fill up the DMV, the supermarket, theme parks and even Wal Mart at 2:00 in the morning. They’re not even nice people either. Some fuckers are always trying to stiff someone. They’re selfish. They cut corners. They run red lights. They litter. It’s all because sex is so popular and know one knows how to pull out. Parents are like sixteen and seventeen years old these days. Horny little bastards are screwing things up for the rest of us and it’s making me crazy. I don’t want to see dirty little broke-ass teenagers pushing two kids in a shopping cart carrying food stamps anymore. Everyone is smoking cigarettes, dressing like some kind of fucked up gangsters, and bothering other people. We smell like shit and there are just too damn many of us.
Earth, do us a favor and don’t be so fucking populated anymore. Don’t you have the ability to create winds that travel over 200mph? You should do that more often. Blow us the fuck out to sea. Wipe the slate clean. Or split the slate open ya know? Drop California into the ocean. Make some new volcanos or something, Damn! I heard there is so much ice stacked up in the arctic areas that if it were to fall into the ocean it would put some of the northern continents underwater. You should do that. You need to take care of this human infestation problem. Can’t you remember a time when animals ruled the earth? I bet that was nice. No wars. No holes in the ozone layer. No pavement covering up the ground. If a forest was destroyed it was because you did it. What went wrong? Wake up! You’re covered with disease. You poor thing. We probably didn’t even come from here, did we? You caught us from another planet didn’t you? You should have worn protection.
If I was the planet, I wouldn’t stand for this madness. It may be tough, but humans would learn to respect the ground they live on or they would be gone. I know this makes me sound like a big hippy or something, but remember, all that free love is what started this shit to begin with. Hippies care about people. I want us all to die.
