Holiday Time 2007-08

by Marshall Presnell

1 Up: The Right Honorable Congressman Dennis Kucinich

Who thinks this is a joke. This is necessary according to codified U.S. Code. Been codified for hundreds of years. Read the U.S. Constitution. Bush is the President, Cheney is already in the building. Impeach his lying, misguided ass right now.

2 Up: Our Military Personnel

All of our service people are working for us, every day. Bonus

3 Up: Albert Camus’s The Rebel, and Al Camus in general.

1 Down: “Enhanced Interrogation”

Tell me, are we all now so scared that we’ve forgotten how to act like Americans? Are we so blinded by Threat Level Orange that we allow others to act like idiots on our behalf? Do we REALLY believe that any kind of actionable intelligence will come from torture? If we do, we are not Americans anymore. “America does not torture.” President Bush was not smiling when he said that. I would like to believe that he meant what he said, bitch lies constantly, it’d be nice if he was truthful just this once…but I cannot believe what he says. In my mind I keep picturing some clean-shaven dude in a tailored suit who looks like he’s from the Midwest. But when he opens his mouth, he says, “Vee haff vays uff mayking you talk.” That’s just me. Insert your own brutalist, idiotic war nightmare. Pol Pot would say you have an active imagination. So, during this glorious Holiday Season, I modestly propose that we all personally test enhanced interrogation techniques. Here is the recipe: 1. Set up one audio recorder in your bathroom and one in your garage, and start recording. No garage? I feel ya. Set your thermostat to about 55 degrees and put the second audio recorder in the kitchen. 2. Start running a cold bath. 3. Put a jambox in the garage or kitchen, and place your least favorite CD on to spin. Select the worst song on it and put the CD player on repeat. 4. Go get in the bath. If you don’t shiver on your way into the water, add ice. Now lie down and press your shoulder blades into the base of the tub. Remain in that position for as long as you can stand. When you must breathe, do not breathe through your nose, and only place half of your mouth above the surface of the water. If you happen to inhale some small quantities of water, it will help the soufflé to rise. Continue for 45 to 47 minutes. 5. Now get out of the tub and run to the garage, falling down three times at least. 6. Go into the garage and start the jam box. 7. Assume an uncomfortable position on the garage floor. Naked. Now remain in that position for 27 to 32 hours. 8. Wait three days and listen to the audio. Delicious.

2 Down: A Big Comfy Couch

I know these are the holidays, but we don’t deserve it. Sit on the floor. ◼