New Bong, Pink Floyd Blamed In Loss Of Twentysomething’s Mind

Doctors Baffled

Christopher Juul

It was reported that 22 year old Jeff Guetzko of Rhinelander, Wisconsin lost what a witness referred to as “his fucking mind.” The incident occurred while Jeff and his friend, Bob Brown, 22, also of Rhinelander, were breaking in a new bong while simultaneously listening to Pink Floyd’s 1973 groundbreaking psychedelic opus, Dark Side of the Moon . Brown described the scene as follows.

“I’m pretty sure it happened, like, during that part in the song “Money,” when Roger Waters is saying, like, “goody, goody booolshit.” I’m like, lookin’ over at Jeff and he was FUCKED UP. He was like… “man… I’m losing my fucking mind here man…” and I’m like, “Jeff, man, whut up?” After that he was all (*drooling noises*) with like, spit n’shit coming out of his mouth. That brought me down pretty fast.”

A police dragnet was immediately set up around Jeff’s basement/game room but uncovered nothing resembling a brain.

Local constable Ed Harley had this to say. “We searched the room over real good but the only unusual thing we found was an old Little Debbie Star Crunch in the crack of the Davenport… hard as a rock, too.”

When asked to comment from his hospital room, Jeff could only produce a steady flow of spittle and lilt his head to and fro. Jeff’s mother Lenore adds, “I always knew that kid was going to lose his Goddamnned brain one of these days. He won’t even keep his room clean, fer Christ’s sake. With his father god knows where and me working 24-7-365, how in the hell am I sposed’ to police him all day? You tell me, because I would like to know.”

Rhinelander physician and neuropsychologist Sidney Bennett adds, “We’ve seen cases like this before, where a patient will become disoriented, but as far as I know no one person has ever has ever physically lost their mind. Through gunshots and accidents yes…but not the way described. It is very, very unusual… it’s almost along the same lines as spontaneous human combustion. He probably stands a good chance of remaining completely vegetative unless his brain or an equivalent facsimile thereof can be found.”

Jeff’s pediatrician was quick to add that Jeff had previously been treated for experiencing “holy shits” but never complained about a “lost mind.”

Adds Bob Brown, “Jeff lost his bike and his Game Boy once in the same week, and his mom like completely freaked on him, but this takes the cake. His mom is SOOPER pissed.”

An official investigation is ongoing. ◼