GWAR

GWAR KILLS EVERYTHING!!!

David Lee Beowülf

GWAR, the head-separating, blood-spilling metal marauders from Antarctica are back with a new album called, appropriately, We Kill Everything . Frankly, I thought they’d already killed everything about five years ago, but no! There’s much more to be killed!

I’ve been a follower of GWAR for many years now and I’ve been “privileged” to have been in their presence, what, ten times now? (Am I not cool?) Whenever GWAR barrels into town, I make a point of it not to miss them. Their stage show, complete with gallons o’ blood a sprayin’ and body parts a-flyin’ is constantly changing to meet the demands of each album’s storyline. For example, a few years ago when Ragnarok was released (and they toured with the likes of Buzzoven and the Dickies), the show centered around mid-galactic wrestling matches. The show included a full-sized professional wrestling ring and tag-team matches pairing Frank Sinatra and the Pope against GWAR characters Odorous Urungus and Slymenstra Hymen. (Yes, the Pope’s head came off, as did Frankie’s arms…) With the advent of Carnival of Chaos , the band fought armies of mutant penguins for much of the show. And who could forget the surprise appearance of Gor-Gor, the hopped-up crack-addicted Tyrannosaurus Rex at the end of the Scumdogs of the Universe tour? Past people put to the sword include Princess Diana, a few skinheads, plenty of hippies, and more! On the We Kill Everything show, which centers around the quest for the pieces of a sacred tablet – which, if not found will cause the end of the universe, you’ll be treated to a number of celebrity deaths, Marilyn Manson among others.

And yes, the “blood” certainly does spill at these performances. I make sure to wear as much white cotton as possible to a GWAR show, and proudly wear my permanently-spattered clothing home as proof of my attendance!

I had the honor of speaking with Flattus Maximus (guitar), Beefcake the Mighty (bass), Slymenstra Hymen (Fire and Voice), Balsac the Jaws of Death (guitar) and Techno Destructo (Arch Enemy of GWAR) a few hours before their New York City appearance at the Bowery Ballroom with Godhead.

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I would like to thank you for the great tribute to the Mentors you did last time I saw you up here with the Misfits. You did a really tear-jerking version of “Golden Shower.”

Beefcake the Mighty : Oh yeah, el Duce was a real good friend of ours till Courtney had him whacked.

She had him whacked?

Slymenstra : Of course she did!

I had heard that she had Kurt whacked, but not el Duce…

Flattus Maximus : She killed ‘im!

Slymenstra : She first tried to buy his services… shall we say to take out her husband, Kurt Cobain. When [Duce] went public with this information on an HBO special and for that young boy’s film – that everyone knows Courtney hated – el Duce was suddenly found dead in front of a moving train.

Flattus : He was found dead behind the train…

Beefcake : Look, he didn’t have a car, he was like thirty miles outside of town and it’s just…

Flattus : Well that’s a story we would like to believe. Plus Courtney hit on Slymenstra one night and she got pissed…

Slymenstra : No, I did not get pissed! I was forced to spend the night in her horrible little squalor apartment in Hollywood and I was like, what the fuck is that smell? I turned on the light and there was this pair of underwear that was fluorescent green. And I’ve never seen anything like it that color come out of any kind of body.

So you think she’s an alien?

Slymenstra : I think she must be some kind of resurrected corpse or something.

Beefcake : She looks like a corpse, it could be all that make up, but…

Wow! Great intro, but now to my serious questions. Considering the timeliness of your new release as well as the start of this tour, what are your thoughts on the Littleton, Colorado boys’ “Slaughterama” imrov?

Beefcake : Our first thought was that they were in a contest to get your name in the paper with the best GWAR-related prank. But nooooo, Marilyn Manson gets all the credit for that.

What a dick!

Beefcake : We frown on humans killing each other, because that’s our job…

Flattus : We didn’t get one mention in that whole thing!. They could’ve just said one thing about us, but no!

Slymenstra : We just need to hire a better press agent.

Beefcake : At least one of them could’ve worn a GWAR T-shirt! That’s the thanks we get for not having anything to do with it.

Have you guys toured Yugoslavia or are you planning to?

Slymenstra : We’re trying to set up a big festival at the area, but it probably won’t be there by the time we arrive.

Beefcake : We’re hoping Europe will actually still be there when we go on tour in the fall.

Flattus : We would love to play Yugoslavia while the war’s going on, it’d be a helacious light show, but we’ll see.

On We Kill Everything , I noticed that two songs, “Nitro-Burning Funny Bong” and “The Performer,” aren’t the standard GWAR metal onslaughts.

All : Whoa!

Will GWAR conquer race-car rock and roll and ska during this tour?

Flattus : That’s the beauty of GWAR! We can play any kind of music we want, we can play country, we can play punk, jazz.

Beefcake : I think “Mary Ann” was the pop song.

I think “Mary Ann” is another nice song…

Flattus : Actually, Balsac wrote that when he was in high school.

Slymenstra : We’re getting really nice.

Nice?

Slymenstra : Soft in our old age.

Flattus : Naw, we’re not getting nice!

Slymenstra : Think of classic radio-friendly tunes like “Fish Fuck” or…

Any animal rights protests about that?

Beefcake : I wish! They don’t come out any more!

Slymenstra : The press would be good. I don’t think they mind the fish fuckers, it’s the duck fuckers they definitely don’t like.

Flattus : We knew a duck fucker!

But you have a song called “Fucking An Animal”?

All : Yeah…

How about penguins?

Flattus : The duck people, well, they don’t give a shit about penguins, it’s the ducks.

“gwar”

Slymenstra : Obviously people don’t worry about the penguins because we’re sending millions of pounds of garbage down there every day.

Why does GWAR belong to a Moose Lodge? [Referring to the new song “Escape from the Moose Lodge”]

Slymenstra : Because we started the Masons, maybe it was a mistake…

[At this point Slymenstra shows me a slide of her, with arms stretched out, and lightning coming off her fingers. They’ve made creative use of a Tesla coil it seems.]

Slymenstra : I’m the only women who’s ever done that.

I’ve only seen you breathe fire.

Slymenstra : We’re not going to be able to do this here, it’s too small, but we’ll do it in California.

I saw you in Port Chester, New York with the Electric Hellfire Club, and you had the fire thing going on.

Slymenstra : I did… I’ve never done the fire here in New York City, though. Some places are like that, I can do it in a bathroom… Some places here are uptight…

Flattus : My favorite jerk joint wasn’t there any more!

Slymenstra : I told you: Giulliani cleaned up this city!

Flattus : Exactly in Times Square! So we had to walk three blocks down just so I could masturbate!

Speaking of New York… Have you been recruited for the NY Police Department?

Flattus : I tried to… Hey, here he is…

Why it’s Balsac the Jaws of, um…

Balsac : “Happiness”

Flattus : Death!

Happiness? OK, so there’s “Mary Anne” and then “Babyraper…”

Balsac : I’m a nice guy. I’m the sensitive one. I’m just forced to kill because I hang out with all these guys.

Beefcake : Well that and the big steel jaws, it’s hard to make out with a girl without ripping her face off.

Speaking of ripping faces off, I saw you play with the Misfits at Roseland back a couple of years ago. I noted that Princess Di showed, up, as did Jonbenet Ramsey. Will Monica Lewinsky show up tonight?

Beefcake : You know what: I can guarantee she will tonight. See Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, reunited.

Flattus (singing): “reunited and it feels so good…”

Balsac : But she’s freakishly impregnated…

Don’t you hate being predictable?

Slymenstra : No! We feed off the media!

Coming out of a GWAR show, I can’t help but notice all the parents parked outside, waiting to pick up their precious little ones… When will the corrupting of children catch up with you and you’ll be swallowed up in the earth for good?

Beefcake : I don’t think it’s going to happen, since it hasn’t happened yet!

Balsac : We made it through the Tipper Gore years.

Flattus : She’s the Vice-lady!

Beefcake : She’s the vice-whore! When we were in DC she sneaked back stage and sucked all of our dicks! We like to call her “licker” Gore…

Flattus : You guys get mad at me for looking at Mexican girl’s assholes and yet you can say whatever you want about Tipper Gore…

Sly : Didn’t she hand out LSD before she did that?

Hey! It’s Techno Destructo! [Techno walks in on us.]

Techno : Argh!

I remember voting for you in a wresting match when you toured with the Dickies!

Techno : Yeah, that year we had programs for Mid-Galactic Wrestling and I was asking everyone to root for Techno.

All : Yeah but you lost!

Techno : Only because GWAR cheated!

Balsac : That’s stuff’s all fake anyway.

What, GWAR or Wrestling?

Flattus : We’re real! This shit doesn’t come off!

Beefcake : What, the herpes?

Does everyone fit into the GWAR action suits?

Slymenstra : Pretty much. We advertise for a fat guy who can play guitar…

Beefcake : You don’t even have to play guitar!

Flattus : I’m not fat!

Beefcake : And he needs a trendy heroin habit! Look at all the babes today: if you don’t have a trendy heroin habit, you’re nowhere, man.

Techno, what’s your take on the Littleton, Colorado hijinks?

Techno : Well, we used to have a contest where you bring the severed head of one of your parents to the show and get a dollar off the admission price.

Balsac : Some of these kids ended up having five or six parents, too. And that ate into our profits.

Slymenstra : It was really costing us a lot of money.

Techno : So the new contest is that you have to kill your whole homeroom class to get a dollar off the show.

Beefcake : Those kids came close, but they only got what, thirteen? Twelve?

Slymenstra : They won’t even make it to the show!

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Epilogue: Out-of-character interview with Hunter Jackson (Techno Destructo, Scroda Moon, etc.]. I’m shown the brand new GWAR role-playing game figures.

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Hunter Jackson : We’re doing Rumble in Antarctic with the GWAR characters and slaves fighting amongst themselves! We’re still finishing the rule book, but the idea behind the game is that we want the players to fight each other, not to follow rules!

Was this your idea?

Hunter : I’m a game geek from way back, and I’m into the comics and I collect miniatures, too. I’ve been pushing for a cool GWAR game to get out there. We’ll also have resin figure characters of Gor-Gor and a giant Maggot! Demonblade, who’re based in Maryland, came to our DC. show and they showed us the resin casts for Gor-Gor, they’re really incredible! I think people who may not be into GWAR will be into these collectibles.

Will these be for sale at record stores along with the new album?

Hunter : They’ll be at the game geek stores! I’ve come up with a new GWAR Scumdog, Scroda Moon, who’s sort of a wizard… [He puts on the headpiece, it looks strangely like male genitalia…]

I guess he’s sort of a dickhead character…

Hunter : He’ll take up the slack so Odorous can sing while he kills things.

What’s the latest on Techno Destructo, Sexecutioner, and GWAR emcee, Sleazy P. Martini?

Hunter : Sexecutioner is gone for good, but Techno Destructo impersonated him for a while. Sleazy will come back, we’re getting ready to do a movie in the Fall, with his talk show called “It’s Sleazy.” But we’re not doing “Slaughterama” any more.

That was a great song, oh well… My favorite GWAR song is “The Horror of Yig.” [Produced by Hypo-Luxa and Hermes Pan on Scumdogs of the Universe .]

Hunter : We actually have a Yig monster who fights against Scroda Moon now. That’s a good fight song, whenever we want to have a nice long, drawn out fight scene, we play “Yig.”

Will the show mostly have songs from We Kill Everything ?

Hunter : We’re trying to play a lot of songs off the record. I like the new record, I think it’s the best since Scumdogs .

How do you build all these props?

Hunter : My day job is making prosthetic devices for amputees, so I have a lot of stuff to work with. They way these [Scroda Moon’s Popeye-proportioned lower legs] are designed, I can step into them and I can kick and pirouette around like a ballerina! I can kick, fight, run, jump… It took about a month, with people helping me.

I want to ask you a personal question. I loved doing this kind of stuff when I was a kid, but my parents frowned upon it.

Hunter : Ha-ha!

What was your secret?

Hunter : I think my parents didn’t really understand or know what to do with me, so I was kind of left on my own. Often they’d ask me “why can’t you draw something normal?” And I tried, but… forget it. ◼