Ween

Ween

I don’t know why the publicist put me on the phone with some guy named Aaron, but he was really boring and didn’t have much to say about Ween. I think he might have been a roadie or something, cuz he sure seemed irritated that I was asking him questions. I didn’t see him in the credits on the new double-disc live album, Paintin’ the Town Brown , but I’m not the kind of person to turn down a phone interview with someone claiming to be involved with the legendary Ween.

••

Hello?

Aaron : Hey.

So what’s goin’ on?

Nothing.

How many interviews are you doin’?

I don’t know. This is the second one today.

Only the second?

Yeah. Not many.

That’s pretty good then.

Yeah.

Gettin’ asked stupid questions?

Yeah, well, it’s OK.

Anything SCARY?

What’s that?

Any SCARY questions?

Nah, no…we’ve only done one. That’s fine. Nice bitter interview. It’s the bitter interview day.

OK.

[silence.]

So I had just gotten that live album today, finally.

Oh yeah? Cool.

I got most of the way through the first disc.

Is there a way to turn up the volume on this thing? Is this up full blast? Oh, excellent. Hello?

YEAH.

Are you there?

Yep.

OK.

[silence.]

Yeah, say something.

HELLO.

OK, you’re a little louder. OK.

So you are you doing a…tour…now? You’re coming down to Florida?

We’re gonna come down to Florida. I think we’re playin Orlando or something. We’re not playing Jacksonville, I know that. Cuz our drummer got his shoes stolen last time. We played at the Milk Bar.

Never been there.

Yeah, kinda sucked actually. Not to burn bridges or anything. We actually got lactated on.

By who?

This girl in the front row, she lactated all over us. It was pretty intense.

Like real stuff?

Yeah, man. She’s like, “Yeah, Ween!” We got on stage and she whipped out her tit and started squirting milk all over us.

That’s crazy.

Totally. And then Claude, our drummer, had this real nice pair of Australian boots. And somebody stole them off the stage.

[silence]

So look…um…

[silence]

Some guy moved down here in 1992, and said he was in Ween, and stole all our girlfriends.

[uninterested] Oh yeah?

Said his name was Drake or Derek. And he was pretty popular, and convinced everybody he was in Ween.

[annoyed] Drake or Derek?

He said he sang on The Pod , and I was like…I don’t think this guy is in Ween.

I don’t know, those were kind of hazy times.

So you guys are at least getting some promotion from him, driving around to different towns.

[bored] That’s nice.

[silence]

OK, boring questions. What are you guys listening to?

C.C. Deville.

Oh, yeah? Is he WITH Poison now?

I think he went back to Poison, yeah. But he’s also working on his solo project.

Did that album ever come out with Blues Saraceno?

I don’t know. I’m not sure. I don’t have any of his records. I’m just listening to him. Pretty into C.C. Deville right now. That guy rules.

Have you heard any of the Kip Winger; his solo stuff?

No, I haven’t.

I heard that he’s going pretty heavy orchestral.

[sarcastic] That’s great.

[silence]

So where were you guys sleeping on the ’93 tour?

Was that the Pod tour?

I think that was Pure Guava .

Guava? I think at that point we were in like, cheap motels.

So you were actually affording motels back then?

Yeah, actually when we were in Tampa I was sleeping with this girl there. I got a lot of action in Florida.

Really?

Yeah, I always managed to hook up in Florida.

It’s probably that guy Drake, setting you up. I took some of the girls he got up to your show, just after he left town, and they were like, “Wow, we get to see his band, finally!”

Hahaha!

And then he wasn’t there.

Awesome. Well, you’ll have to point him out to me when we come down there. Where are YOU from?

Venice.

In VENICE?

Old people town.

[snappy, as if he knows a damn thing about Venice] Yeah, right.

My hair is even grey now.

So is mine.

So what was the thing with Harrison Ford; was that true?

Yes.

Where was that?

That was at a restaurant, at home.

That’s interesting.

It was, it was very interesting.

He’s got grey hair now.

I’m sure he does.

What do you think of college?

COLLEGE? [as in, ‘where the hell did that question come from?’]

Yeah.

I think it can be a good thing, college.

How about MP3’s?

MP3’s are cool, I’ve got a bunch of ’em.

How big is your studio now, what do you have in there?

Actually it’s all in storage. We’ve got a little setup. Actually after we did Chocolate & Cheese , we went out and bought a bunch of shit. We got a 16-track tape deck, a board, and some compressors, basic stuff. But we actually don’t have it set up. Last time we had it set up was in Long Beach Island. In the Spring.

What are you guys riding around in on this tour?

On this tour coming up, we’ve got a tour bus.

Nice vehicle?

Yeah, we got a tour bus.

How many people does that hold?

There’s gonna be like…1,2,3,4,5 in the band, the roadie, the tour manager, merchandiser, so there’s gonna be like 8 of us…a friend, Mean Ween’s coming, 9.

I think that kid said he was Mean Ween.

No. That kid sounds like a poser.

But he’s working for you though, independently!

I have no idea…

He’s helping you out!

I have no idea. [sarcastic] That’s great. [silence] It holds about 45 people, this bus.

Yeah?

Yeah.

That’s good. Sardines. Are you bringing an opener [you know, a can opener] along?

No, we’ve got an opener for the second half of the tour. Called Queens of the Stone Age. [speaking in tongues] Kiasbigias.

So I was washing dishes a while back, and uh… Chocolate & Cheese . Those are the two hardest things to get off dishes.

[total silence, bored] Great, man.

It’s true. And actually someone else who washed dishes at the same place with me thought of the same thing. So now you know that.

[silence] OK.

And…

[silence]

…that’s about all I can think of.

That’s great, dude.

Unless you read any books? Do you read books?

[chuckling] Is this the interview?

Yeah!

How old are you?

I am 23.

23, OK. Do you listen to Ween?

Oh, yeah.

OK. What? Do I read books?

Yeah.

Sometimes.

What books?

What was the last book I read…[pause]…shit…I don’t remember…[pause]… Island of the Colorblind .

What’s that?

I don’t know, some book about these two psychiatrists who go to an island in the South Pacific where everyone is colorblind and do a study on them.

Do a lot of the girls you hook up with read books?

I don’t know. I’m getting married in August.

Uh-Oh.

Yeah.

[silence]

I never really asked any of the girls that I hooked up with if they read many books.

Hmmm…I’ve run into a lot of girls that read books.

[sarcastic] That’s cool, man.

[silence]

Very scary.

[silence]

Alright.

Alright dude!

Oh, wait, I have one more big question here. What’s the biggest disaster you ever had on stage?

I pooped my pants.

Did you have to stop the show?

No.

OK, thanks.

See ya, man! [click.]

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