Archives
by James MacLaren
Feel The Hate:
“Top Ten Reasons Why Being A Suicide Bomber Is Cool”
June 23, 2003
“Blowing shit up is really neat, even when it’s you.”
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“Rant on christmas trees”
December 21, 2002
“We’re gonna bring home a sawed-off tree and let it die a slow agonizing death. But we don’t want it to die too fast now, do we? That would spoil all the fun. The needles would fall off too soon. Can’t be having any of that, can we? Does the tree get a vote in all this? Hell no. My guess is that it’s some kind of vegan conspiracy.”
“Christmas Music Rant” – December 17, 2002
“Holiday cheer? Fuck you. What’s wrong with a little cheer for the other 364 days of the year? Are you such a COMPLETE asshole that you actually NEED some kind of aural jumpstart to cause you to be CHEERFUL? If so, you really need to a.) kill yourself right this minute, or b.) go out there somewhere and try to find yourself some kind of a life.”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Mummy Congress” – November 20, 2002
“Girls pulled out of European bogs, thousands of years later, with the rope(!) still around their neck. Artists in some garret, busily daubing away with mummy pigment! People CONSUMING mummy, as a medicinal! Mummified children, pulled from holes in the rocks, at the SUMMIT of Andean peaks thousands of meters into thin stratospheric air! Egyptian mummies sold by the TON, in whole or in part!”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Map That Changed The World” – June 6, 2002
“This book is thoroughly British from top to bottom, and if you’re not familiar with haunts the like of Kilmersdon, Chew Stoke, Dunkerton, Tucking Mill, and a host of other delightfully weird place names, then you’d best crack out the maps and teach yourself a bit of rural English geography. Nothing but good can come of what you learn.”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Secret History of the CIA” – May 9, 2002
“The Kennedy brothers were so pesty, and so incompetent, and so everlastingly persistent in their keystone kop attempts to use the CIA to kill Castro that Castro finally got sick of the entire goddamned thing and killed JFK. With the help of the Russians, natch. It didn’t help anyone that the CIA idiotically involved organized crime SUPPORTERS of Castro in their doomed attempts on his life. Castro was in the loop from the beginning, and was not amused.”
“BOOK REVIEW: Rimbaud” – March 26, 2002
“Rimbaud had a preternatural ability to outrage and annoy as a child, kept it throughout his life, and he retains this power over a hundred years after his untimely demise. The outrage and annoyance reside ENTIRELY within the minds of whomever is examining the little demon, and it shifts, shimmers, and flickers from one thing to another, entirely depending upon exactly WHO is being outraged and annoyed.”
“BOOK REVIEW: What Went Wrong?” – March 20, 2002
“Like many of us, I’m endlessly fascinated by dangerous and unpleasant things. Sharks, pandemics, atomic bombs and the hardware to deliver them, serial killers, and all that sort of thing. Maybe there’s some atavistic motivation underlying all of it. Maybe I’m subconsciously trying to understand this kind of stuff in order to better defend against it, should I cross paths with it one dark night. Then again, maybe I’m just nuts.”
“BOOK REVIEW: Married to the Mouse, Walt Disney World and Orlando” – January 28, 2002
“Disney has greedily taken every advantage of Florida politicians (from the top down), and residents from day one, and the politicians seem unable to get enough of it, whether through naivety, cupidity, or just plain old stupidity. The people, on the other hand, have more than their share of doubts about the whole thing.”
“Okey dokey, that’s it motherfuckers!” – December 28, 2001
“Sex deprivation will do that to people. A whole CULTURE of sex deprived dingdongs can only be expected to send themselves on a kamikaze mission to some sort of afterlife sex farm.”
“TRIPLE BOOK REVIEW: Punk Bands, Town Drunks, And Others” – November 2, 2001
“More Barroom Transcripts continues the tradition of Barroom Transcripts, which I may have been a little harsh on in my review of it. So fuck me. Straub and his drinking buddy/chronicler Rich Stewart just sort of hang out in the sleazy end of town in the local deadfalls and watch it all swirl around them. When they’re not swirling right along with it themselves.”
“MUSIC REVIEW: Reid Paley. Revival” – October 20, 2001
“Minimalist backing. Sure as hell no wall of sound around here. No screaming adolescents with overwatted amps, either. Thank god.”
“BOOK REVIEW: In Search Of Captain Zero” – October 3, 2001
“If you surf, and you’ve had to deal with that swarm of brainless idiots who think they know all about surfing ‘cause they watched Fast Times at Dumbfuck High (and who among us has not had to deal with these dumb asses?) or saw the latest Eyewitless news presenter breathlessly describing the latest shark attack (even as they resolutely ignore the serious meatcuttery of the automobile infrastructure), or any of the other ways that incredibly ignorant fuckheads manage to acquire bogus information on subjects they are fundamentally incapable of understanding; tell THEM to read it too.”
“REVIEW: MAYBE THE SHIT’S OVER?” – September 23, 2001
“And while the cop was having his change of heart, from out of nowhere a guy comes up with a set of bagpipes (no I’m NOT making this up), stands twenty feet away from my admiring ears, and proceeds to make the sweetest sounds this side of heaven for a full half hour, seemingly entirely for my own personal benefit.”
“BOOK REVIEW: By Any Means Necessary” – August 29, 2001
“It then becomes my job to send aircraft heading toward (and sometimes OVER) Russia that look threatening enough to where the Russians are FORCED to turn on their radars, just in case they need to blow me out of the sky if I really DO have a Big Bomb on board, but instead of a Big Bomb I merely have a planeload of electronics for sucking all the information I need out of the lit radars so I really CAN blast them to hell ahead of time if some fine day I decide I need to.”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Life Of God (As Told By Himself)” – August 9, 2001
“Even God Himself has problems with His memory, to which he freely admits throughout this wonderful, inexplicable, occasionally annoying, oftentimes rewarding tale. The thing operates at several levels simultaneously, and steadfastly refuses to maintain any one guise.”
“GOOFINESS REVIEW” – August 4, 2001
“The fucking shorts have exactly NOTHING by way of extra material, to cover anything larger than a standard size molecule of beer. Any butt that gets extra coverage below is immediately and irrevocably paid for by additional butt exposed at the top.”
“BOOK REVIEW: A Primate’s Memoir” – July 21, 2001
“Baboons, humans, buffalo, elephants, gorillas, airplanes, Masai warriors drinking bloodsicles produced using a scientific stash of dry ice, liberal lefties, corrupt game park officials poaching what they’re supposed to be protecting, elderly Brit colonials, Dian Fossey’s grave, bovine tuberculosis, Mau Mau uprisings, army checkpoints, scams, ripoffs, starving children, on and on it goes, just as maddeningly African as it can be.”
“Last Meal Review: Garza picks it.” – June 30, 2001
“Item the third is french fries. So ok, the guy’s a junk food junkie. And we’ve already decided that he’s not Albert Einstein. I would have probably picked mashed potatoes with gravy or something a little more substantial, but again, it’s not my decision.”
“SHOPPING REVIEW: “ – June 26, 2001
“Even worse, you’ll look down at an item recently tossed on the floor, wrinkle your bulbous nose, and then just WALK RIGHT ACROSS IT, looking for something to make your ugly body look better. What the hell’s up with that one? If you’re too damn lazy to return something to a rack, couldn’t you at least have the good grace to refrain from stomping it under your ridiculous platform sandals?”
“MAGAZINE REVIEW: Vanity Fair” – June 11, 2001
“Calvin Klein Jeans. Black and white. Double full pager. Same old shit. Androgynous looking kids who may, or may not, be of age. Scandalous! Or so the ad mavens would like me to think. Actually, I don’t give a shit. These kids gotta eat, their talent agent got them the work as posers for hosers, who am I to interfere with commerce?”
“BOOK REVIEW: In Siberia” – April 3, 2001
“Anybody who’s read The Gulag Archipelago will be chillingly familiar with such fatal place names as Norilsk, The Kolyma, Krasnoyarsk, Novosibirsk, and a host of other god-forsaken places so far off the beaten trail that back in the bad old days they didn’t even have to fence the sonofabitches off. Escaped prisoner-slaves literally had NOWHERE to go.”
“BOOK REVIEWS – Ecological Disaster Vs. Paranoia” – March 24, 2001
“The ocean girdles the globe, and the globe is where you live, like it or not. The planet has exactly ONE ecosphere, and the World Ocean takes up the lion’s share of that ecosphere. Things happening far beyond the blue horizon have acquired a nasty ability to make their presence known in places far far away from where the troubles are brewing.”
“BOOK REVIEWS: Ragnar’s Guide, Birthplace of the Winds” – February 28, 2001
“And oh, while we’re at it, when we’re on our last island, why not let’s all climb up from our balmy 26 degree campsite across from the foot of Mt. Cleveland, by the shores of the beautiful Bering Sea, and slog it out across ten miles of rock, scree, and snow until we can peek down into an ACTIVE volcanic crater while being buffeted by a 50mph gale, 6000 feet up into the chill air? And when we’re done peeking into the sulphurous pit, well by golly we’ll just slog another ten miles right back to the camp!”
“BOOK REVIEWS: Underground Railroad, etc.” – February 13, 2001
“And, like a menacing, but distant, cloud on the horizon, there’s ever the thought thrumming low in the background, that some dark day it just might be YOU that’s forced to buy a one-way ticket to freedom, on a transportation system that few even suspect exists.”
“SEVERE IDIOCY REVIEW: Richy bitchy boats” – November 23, 2000
“Is there anything worse in the world than some drunken crowd of self-important moneyed losers hammering along at sixty miles an hour, fifty yards from the beach, chopping up your waves, murdering any life forms so unfortunate to get in front of their propeller, and moronically waving at the rest of us when they go by, thinking that we all want to trade places with them?”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Song of the Swan” – October 14, 2000
“More than its fair share of typos. Occasional cardboard cutout characterizations and clunky dialogue. But who cares? It’s WHAT’S GOING ON that counts. The characters are a mere vehicle to carry the techno-plot forward and I really don’t give a rat’s ass about their psychological development, their angst, or any of the rest of that shit.”
“BOOK REVIEW: Astronomer’s Computer Companion” – October 7, 2000
“Jeff and Ron have attempted to corral the incredible wealth and diversity of internet sites relating to astronomy and distill it down into some sort of manageable form that can be shoved between the covers of a book.”
“BOOK REVIEW: The Elegant Universe” – October 3, 2000
“And, as a special bonus, it’s got the very best description of the loony effects of relativity (especially the WHY parts) that I’ve ever read. Hell, that part alone is worth the cost of the whole book.”
“BOOK REVIEW: Scams From The Great Beyond” – September 14, 2000
“Get this sonofabitch NOW, and then get out there and go to work on each and every last one of them dumb fucks who seem to be born with a desperate need to accept this kind of thing, even as they have no idea what something like the quadratic formula might be, or what it could be useful for.”
“BOOK REVIEW: Byte Me! Hayduke’s Guide” – August 31, 2000
“This is a book that clues you in to a whole world of cybershenanigans, none of which involve any kind of computer hacker intelligence to invoke. Lots of what’s in here is by way of just general monkeywrenching street smarts, and doesn’t really qualify (to my perceptions) as having a whole lot to do with computers. A minor nit, but there you have it.”
“BOOK REVIEW: A Repossessor’s Guide To Auto Locks” – August 23, 2000
“Why slim jims some times don’t work.”
“DISCUSSION GROUP REVIEW: Inconvenience Store” – August 8, 2000
“LOSE the login! Open this fucker up to anybody and everybody. If somebody gets spam happy, let ‘em rip. I’ve learned that when you ignore idiots, they tend to go someplace where their mischief will be
better appreciated…”
“SILLY SHIT REVIEW: Electro Surf Bob” – July 20, 2000
“After operation is tweaked into normalcy, I’m treated to a psychotic display of radio controlled surfing with Electro Surf Bob doing some incredible maneuvers, getting serious air, flipping over oncoming waves, and screaming down the line, making impossible closeout sections using his secret weapon, that little propeller under his board. Matt is stoked, and so am I…”
“GOOFY WEBSITE REVIEW: Uroulette.com” – July 5, 2000
“Lotsa realtors and weird year-old snippets from newspapers from Dublin to Dubuque. Horrid personal home pages with hit counters still trying to attain the magical thousand mark, three years after the goofus in question decided that a home page with a picture of him with his finger up his nose and a biblical quotation of the day would be a really neat idea…”
“BOOK REVIEW: MARS, Uncovering the Secrets of the Red Planet” – July 2, 2000
“Any one of which would be worthy of EXTENDED contemplation, sorta like a Salvador Dali painting or something. There’s SO MUCH crap going on in each picture that there’s no way in hell that your brain is gonna grok this shit all at once. And so, you sorta just stare…”
“Trash In The Water” – June 9, 2000
“Paul gave the remains of the little craft a perfunctory tug toward the dune. The piece he grabbed came off in his hand. Bill was disgusted. After eyeing the sharp edges of the galvanized strips nailed to the wood and then regarding his scratched arm, he spat on the raft and headed back to his Jeep….”
“MUSIC REVIEW: Apostrophe FZ” – May 19, 2000
“I used to think that FZ’s guitar, quick and quirky with that funny hollow wah wah pedal sound, detracted from this piece. Its trebly twitchings seemed to clash with the immense weight and power of Jack Bruce’s bass and Jim Gordon’s drums. Of course, that was before I realized that Zappa’s guitar was really the Tyrannosaur’s eyes…”
“MUSIC YOU’LL NEVER LISTEN TO/TV YOU’LL NEVER WATCH REVIEW” – May 19, 2000
“On Univision it’s almost the exact opposite. Nothing is reined in or controlled. Loony color schemes and bizarre costumery compete with one another to see which can give you a headache first. And yet, underneath it all, there’s a pattern, an order. But it’s well hidden and you have to look for it…”
“IDIOCY REVIEW: Container People” – May 13, 2000
“You know the type. Generally got a pasty soft white look about them. Heavily into clothing, jewelry, make up, whatever. Lotsa times they’re also into the money deal. Not necessarily Republicans or anything, but that seems to help…”
“MUSIC REVIEW: New Coat of Paint – Songs of Tom Waits” – May 1, 2000
“About the only way I can properly describe this thing is to compare it to drinking a bottle of good whiskey. That first drag comes on like an electric jolt, and after that, things start getting nice and smooth…”
“TECH REVIEW: El Cheapo Long Distance Phone Rates” – March 14, 2000
“Then you call your long distance provider and tell ‘em you want to discontinue your service as of right this minute. Then maybe wait a day or two and call back to check and be sure the bastards really DID pull the fucking plug on everything, ok?”
“BOOK REVIEW: Find It Online” – March 14, 2000
“I knew I had a good one when I opened it up and made the delightful discovery that it utterly ignores sports and entertainment. Screw that shit, go find the motherfucker yourself after you’ve learned the tricks of the search engine trade.”
“BOGUS BULLSHIT REVIEW” – March 7, 2000
“The fucking bikes have become worth more than most people’s condos, and can’t be just PUT OUT THERE ON THE ROAD for heaven’s sake. No way! Might get a love bug splat on your precious front fender. Can’t be having any of that, can we? Of course not.”
“FOOD PACKAGING REVIEW: Ramen Noodles” – February 28, 2000
“Ramen noodles. You all know the drill with these things, right? Some kinda damn ersatz pasta and DuPont’s (or is that Dow’s?) culinary finest in chem-o-flavor that comes in a little foil packet. Fuckers
run seven for a buck and don’t really even qualify as proper food. Excepting the generous portion of sodium..”
“RIDICULOUSLY OVERRATED SURFSPOT REVIEW: Sebastian Inlet” – February 22, 2000
“Macho wannabees and posers come from miles around to try their hand at a dorfy beach break wave that has this stupid bounce deal coming off a man made object, creating a wave that’s overhead for all of three feet down the line. After that, it’s back to the same old three foot crap…”
“COOL PLACES YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER BEEN TO REVIEW” – February 22, 2000
“Newt Broome and Gary Hughes have got a thing going here folks, no doubt about that. Walk through the front door, between the life size surfboard on the left of the door, and equally large (head high, in case you’re wondering) electric guitar on the right side of the door, and you’re immediately transported into another world…”
“NUCLEAR PSYCHOSIS REVIEW: Steal This Sub” – February 15, 2000
“And by golly, after going less than a mile, you arrive on a wharf where a motherfucking Los Angeles Class attack sub is sitting there as pretty as you please, guarded by exactly ONE bored dude, sitting on a stool near an open hatch in the deck. Not another soul to be seen in the midnight air.”
“Idiocy Review: Doorbell Burglar” – February 8, 2000
“What if the UPS guy attempts to deliver a package? What if the US Mail tries the same thing? What if the motherfucking COPS show up? Shall we blow them all away, and then dial 911 to report the unfortunate demise of a stranger who came knocking at the door?”
“Dollar Billus Chain Lettericus” – January 15, 2000
“Alright, who’s the fuckhead writing on all the goddamned money in this town? One of you pricks out there has way too much time on your hands. Fucking dollar bills are turning into chain letters. Who likes chain letters anyhow? What’s up with them things? I hold before me right this minute an example of our mystery author’s work…”
“Accessory Guy” – June 23, 1999
“These people are a riot. And a marketing manager’s dream come true. Suffering from a definite case of Television Poisoning, they’re driven like lemmings to encase themselves in a cloud of designer crap that they believe will make their lameness invisible to all the rest of us…”
“Aging Titty Dancer” – May 27, 1999
“Phoo. What a way to make a living. And it’s strictly a young girl’s game. Start pushing thirty, and they’re gonna start pushing you out the door…”
“Corvette People” – May 19, 1999
“Oh brother but do these people ever suck. I guess that it’s nice they take the time to label themselves clearly so you can get ready for them when you see them approaching. Driving that damnable go-fast car is like wearing a sign that says “I’m a complete butthole…”
“Pager Boy” – May 3, 1999
“What’s up with them fucking pagers anyway? Aren’t there already enough people out there trying to stick their thumbs up your asshole?”
“Muscleus Steroidicus” – April 21, 1999
“Another weird one here. Not sure what the intent really is, but it’s for sure that some serious effort went into it…”
“The Spawning And Nurturement Of Assholes” – March 9, 1999
“Sometimes you just gotta wonder where in the living hell do all these assholes come from. And on certain rare occasions you’re fortunate enough to get a glimpse into the hidden realm of Where Assholes Come From. Seize the moment! Pay attention! Watch closely and maybe you’ll learn something…”
“Name Taggus Best Buddyicus” – March 4, 1999
“Why do total strangers think they can act like one of your best friends just because the damnfool managers insist on placing one of those damnable name tags on you?”
“Brunette Barbie Doll” – March 4, 1999
“This one falls under several more generalized headings, the two most important being Aging Prom Queen, and Moneyed Bitch…”
“Little Miss Nose” – February 2, 1999
“Where do these people come from?”
“Billus Crumplus: Hurry The Fuck Uppicus” – January 18, 1999
“What the hell is it that causes people to throw blockades in your path and then bitch and moan as you attempt to get around them?”
“Pay Phone Junkies” – January 5, 1999
“There’s a whole little subculture that does the pay phone. Day after day, it’s pretty much the same folks. My guess is they all know each other and god only knows what kind of social interaction or pecking order has evolved out there by the highway…”
“Scratchofficus Waddicus” – November 24, 1998
“OK, so it’s common knowledge that people who play the lottery are dorks, yes? After all, the fucking thing is neither more nor less than a tax on the mathematically illiterate, right? And lord knows, with the “educational” system we’re saddled with, mathematical illiteracy is a fairly popular career choice…”
“Car Trader Leech” – November 17, 1998
“More leech people. God, but ain’t there enough of them out there already? Guess not…”
“Lard Lady” – November 9, 1998
“Fat females, middle aged, usually wearing too much makeup with hair that looks like it was made out of polystyrene and then left out in the weather too long. Maybe it was. Dunno…”
“Psychotic Assistant Manager” – November 2, 1998
“Now of course the manager is laid back, and pretty relaxed, right? So why in hell does there have to be a Psychotic Assistant Manager in the first place?”
“Big Shotticus Gas Pumpicus” – October 31, 1998
“This creature bears a passing resemblance to Slobbus Melancholis Rolex. Parked the lexus at the pumps and all’s well, right? Wrong.”
“Blondus Paradoxicus” – October 24, 1998
“Blondie. Well appointed physically. And all decked out in the best possible wardrobe and makeup to even further enhance that blonde appeal. But there’s a fly in the ointment…”
“Cell Phone Guy” – October 23, 1998
“Yeah yeah, I know I know, these people are too easy. Like shooting fish in a barrel. But goddamnit, I’m sick of these motherfuckers and I just don’t care…”
“Cigaretticus Brandus Idioticus” – October 20, 1998
“These bastards are just too fucking precious. Smokers. For those of us who don’t smoke, there’s a whole little world that revolves around goddamned cigarettes. Lots of strange territory in The Land of Cigarettes…”
“Is It Fresh?” – October 19, 1998
“What the hell causes people to ask the guy behind a counter, ‘Is it fresh?’ Like they’re gonna get a straight answer or something. Right.”
“Slobbus Melancholis Rolex” – October 8, 1998
“This is one of the stranger species to cross paths with, for despite wearing a pricey suit and driving a fancy schmancy Mercedes, this creature never seems quite able to generate a sincere smile…”
“Advance Warning” – October 6, 1998
“So ok. So I’ve got a fabulously shitty job. Behind the counter at a convenience store. Of course it sucks, and sucks hard. What can I say?”
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