Dollar Billus Chain Lettericus
by James MacLaren
Alright, who’s the fuckhead writing on all the goddamned money in
this town? One of you pricks out there has way too much time on your
Fucking dollar bills are turning into chain letters.
Who likes chain letters anyhow? What’s up with them things?
I hold before me right this minute an example of our mystery author’s work.
Ball point pin, blue, around the border of the green side of a
greenback. Fairly neat penmanship. Might be a broad. Broads always
have better penmanship than guys.
And I quote: St. Elizabeth Anyone receiving this bill will be blessed
with a lot of money if he writes this Saying on 10 other bills
The capitalization is a little daffy, and there’s no period on the
end of the sentence, but the sonofabitch sailed right through my
spell checker with flying colors. So we’re not talking the village
idiot here. It’s somebody that seems to have gotten out of high
school without too many tattoos or body piercings. Got at least HALF
a brain, yeah?
Well.now that I think about it, maybe not.
These fucking things are starting to flood my damn cash drawer. And
my regular customers are getting the damn things all the time, too.
Nobody like’s em. And from the look of the penmanship on all of em
(it’s ever the same), nobody else has seen fit to fill out their own
little quota of “10 other bills” My guess is that one compulsive
weirdo out there has gone a little overboard with this deal and
didn’t stop with “10 other bills” Nope. More like a THOUSAND and “10
Now stop and think a minute here what that means. Somewhere, somebody
sits over a desk, pen in hand, scribbling away on a hoard of dollar
bills. Hour after hour. Day after day. Just grinding these things
out. I’ll bet the curtains are drawn and there’s a couple of Edgar
Cayce books on the shelves somewhere. JC on the cross-sticks too, no
doubt. Probably dark in there. Phone hasn’t rung in over a month. No
tv set. I hear feet shuffling across a carpet. Damn pen ran out of
ink, gotta get another one.
Enough of this crap. I’ve been holding on to this fucked up dollar
bill for too long now. Time to take it outdoors and hand it over to
somebody for some beers. Now it’ll be in THEIR cash drawer. Don’t
think I’ll bother with my personal quota of “10 other bills”
Hey! Whoever the hell you are out there, knock this shit off, ok?
Fuck off, asshole.