No use crying over spilled milk.
by Jason Nelson
They’re coming for our dairy products. Across the wide, wide river
they’re paddling fast with sloppy strokes
to reach us. If we befriend the Hulk, he might feel sorry for us and build
a towering fortress to protect our wide variety
of cheeses and flavored cartons of milk. Maybe if we hired Aquaman, he’d
communicate with the river’s aquatic life,
commanding the fish to develop breasts and lactate. Superheroes can do so
much more than destroy buildings, so much
more than fly and punch, and shoot lasers from their bloodshot eyes. They
want to help us make a better world. It’s too
bad we’ll have to kill them. On this spiraling globe of foodchains and
convertible futon furniture, we just don’t have room
for the genetically enhanced. We feel insecure enough when confronted with
supermodels or super-sized burger meals. So,
even if we have to live without ice cream, at least we won’t have some
annoying super girl or boy or dog trying to keep us
from our God given right to destroy ourselves.
