Deconstructing Those Hardy Boyz – Part One

Deconstructing Those Hardy Boyz – Part One

There’s finally a little content in the “FAQ”, read it, make me feel loved and adored.

I’ve decided to get terribly grandiose (read: delusional) after the “success” of my first column. So I’ve decided to undertake an epic deconstruction/rant on the World Wrestling Federation’s favorite suicidal young sibling superstars, the Hardy Boyz. Hopefully this will be a successful work-in-progress, rather than an exercise in boredom, frustration, and deletion.

Either way, let’s hear it for the Brian Wilson syndrome…..

Overheard at a salad bar:

“Did you KNOW that teenage girls and (sometimeshopefullynottoooften) women who should know better have written bizarre sexual fantasies about Jeff Hardy AND published them on the Internet? The dubiousness of these “ladies night” websites, which have absolutely nix to do with the WRESTLING and other workrate-related issues, aside, this phenomenon is both legit disturbing and fascinating. Perhaps I should be proclaiming my undying allegiance to these women as they too seem to take a (un)healthy interest in the kind of iconography that wrestling can provide for those who look hard enough, though from a VERY different (and cringe-tastic) angle. I suppose there should not be ONE correct way to look at wrestling, and they’re creating a completely new reality here. Look, we could be saying the same things about Axl Rose, there could be the “lyrics appreciation/Jim Morrison lineage” society vs. the “my-god-look-at-the-bulge-in-the-spandex”society. Which camp is more serious, more real? Or is this the Fabio-ization of wrestling? Are the Hardy Boyz the WWF’s answer to N’Sync? Think about it: boy-next-door handomeness, colored hair, baggy pants, those “rokk star” poses that are half Donny Osmond, half Marilyn Manson… Dave Meltzer surely would not approve.

“I know. The hated Rock was on Martha Stewart and the View! What are we facing here? Would Sabu ever have been invited to the View? Is this the domestication of wrestling? Wrestler as sensitive-guy-surrogate-boyfried-tabula-rasa-sex-toy?

“Let’s face it, wrestling has always had its share of pretty boys, but my god, for the most part, I don’t think they are pretty boys in anywhere approaching the traditional sense of the word. Exactly how pretty is Jeff Jarrett? No, don’t answer that. And I’m straying from my original point, which is simply that, there are sites out there that have graphic depictions of ‘a lucky fan’ having a saucy/randy/raunchy threesome (preceded or followed by meaningful conversation and cuddling, mind you) with the Boyz that would make any tried-and-true indie wrestling fan faint dead away, desperately clutching his Cham Pain vs. Willow the Wisp tape-trading lists for support.”

“Willow the Wisp? Now that’s a fucking ace transition! It’s just not that easy to write off Jeff and Matt Hardy as pretty-boy girl fodder when they have for the last five years been putting on some of the most exciting matches on the independent scene and they’ve now proven themselves willing to consistently take suicidal bumps every goddamn night, and supplementing that with actual mat/highflying skills! They’re not just some silly McMahon creation like the Bodydonnas.”

“Right again! Was that purple nail polish Jeff Hardy was wearing last night?”

First comes the burial, then comes the praise…

Matthew Watches RAW:

No, really I did.

All hail King Eddy Guerrero!! I have seen the future of the WWF, and he has the Mullet! Someone needs to write a column about this guy.

The McMahons hogging the spotlight = me putting my head through the television set. You know they’re full of themselves when they let Linda “Nasal Monotone” McMahon open the show with a scintillating interview. I was praying for the Eddy Guerrero run-in and beatdown, alas twas not to be….

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked with *

Recently on Ink 19...

From the Archives