My Wrestlemania Hell
by Matthew Damascus
I’m taking a break from normal continuity to discuss ho-hum Wrestlemania. Mercifully brief, I hope.
No I didn’t watch the all-day dealie. I would have had Jim Ross nightmares for the next 3 months.
How about that En Vogue-esque Wrestlemania theme music?
Lillian Garcia vs. The National Anthem
Crap. The National Anthem is horrid in the first place, but having their least competent ring announcer sing it is surely folly. Guess what? I was right. I loved it when the camera inadvertently focused in on that kid planted in his seat, hand nowhere near his heart, checking his watch impatiently. Yeahhhhhh.
Godfather & “The D is for Directionless” D’Lo Brown vs. Two Men Who Should Know Better
Ice-T accompanied the pimps to the ring, helpfully rapping their theme song, trying to make it clear that he, too, is a pimp. Which is kind of funny because Ice-T has spent the last six years pimpING (or is that whoring) out his name and reputation to any shitty project, television show, or movie that is tossed his way, to the point where he now has less street credibility than the frigging Rappin’ Granny. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, you know. Also of note is that one of the Godfather’s “ladies” dancin’ up a storm on the way to the ring, tripped and fell on her face.
What isn’t of note is this match. That Godfather, he sure is a fat worthless fuck.
Hardcore Battle Royal
1. The always-ace Sho Funaki finally got a taste of WWF Hardcore Title Gold, even if it was only for a few minutes.
2. Pete “Gas” is now the Carlos Colon of the WWF, as far as I’m concerned. Respect due for him blading like A REAL MAN. He must have sliced an artery, the way the blood was gushing all over his sweater vest. Solid thumbs up, just for my boy “Gas” bringing a Big Japan aesthetic to the whole affair.
Poor Al Snow & Steve Blackman vs. Test and Albert
Another hate-fest. I hate Trish Stratus, I hate Albert, I hate how the veins in Test’s forehead pop out throughout the match. I REALLY hate how Test and Albert blow EVERY SINGLE move, seemed like they were even missing punches there.
Highlight of the match was when my friend Heather’s neutered/spayed male cat tried to mount his sister cat (who is spayed as well) and they both got totally freaked out about the whole thing. Which just goes to show you that you cannot go against nature.
Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. The Dudley Boys
If it weren’t for the five-minute gaps between the action while tables and ladders were being feverishly set up in all manner of strange configurations, this match would be godhead. As it is, it’s MOSTLY thrilling and dramatic.
I believe in the pre-match doings, one of the Hardyz casually mentioned how wrestling means more to him than living, so things can definitely only get better from here. I’d like to gush/go into further detail of their performance, but I want to save all salient points for the next part of my Hardyz Deconstruction vanity piece… we’ll wait.
I would have liked for the Dudley Boys to have won. But whatever. Bubba Ray and D-Von take an unhealthy and evil amount of pride in their destructive work and it’s a joy to watch. I certainly hope the rumours of impending fan-favorite-hood are just that, vicious rumours. No, not the 80’s thrash band.
The Kat vs. Terri Runnels
The whole Terri Runnels-as-hottie phenomenon is mystifying to me, as I can sum up her appearance in three words: old leather bag. Unfortunately, if I vent all of the hatred I feel for this and similar T&A extravaganzas that have become a staple of “sports entertainment,” I will be quickly dismissed as “gay.” Oh well, it fucking sucks and anyone over the age of thirteen who gets juvenile kicks from this kind of shit should be ashamed.
Chyna & Too Cool vs. The Radicalz
Yawn-ish match where the Radicalz didn’t get to show much.
However, Chyna did split her pants which looked as stupid as it sounds.
Oh wait, Eddy Guerrero did his best to rejuvenate the crowd with some lucha-tastic comedy heel work. And you know I’m talking about the “running across the ring to get away from my opponent right through my tag team partner’s legs” bit. Comedy heel bits can be a good thing, you are not a lesser person for it.
Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle vs. Chris “LOVE ME PLEASE!” Jericho
Benoit DID bust out the triple-German-suplex motif so everyone could gaze at him lovingly.
The match was good but not Beatles-at-Shea-Stadium hysteria inducing.
The Corpse of D-Generation X vs. Rikishi & Kane
I wonder, if I was in the crowd, would I have been chanting BOOOOOOOORING?
I hope so.
An abortion of a match, though mercifully short.
X-Pac needs a change of.. scenery. To be blunt. Give him his “Thug” tights back, get him away from (ha) DX, and keep him in the light-heavyweight division.
The Rock vs. The Big Show vs. Mick Foley vs. Triple H
HHH keeps the belt. THAT I have no problem with.
Other than that, I have nothing thought-provoking to say about the match, because IT NEARLY PUT ME TO FUCKING SLEEP. I’ll leave the rest to the pundits. Besides, complaining about Vince McMahon wrenching the camera over to him every three seconds is already getting old, isn’t it?
Those WWF main events just tend to fill me with, you know, bile.