George W. Bush and the Crack Rockers

Jason Feifer

The musicians emerge from behind an immense American flag that functions as the band’s backdrop, pick up their instruments, and launch into “Eye of the Tiger.” The crowd is teeming with excitement and shotguns, and all eyes rest upon a lonely spotlight that resides in the middle of the flag. They’re waiting for their hero to arrive. He’s promised a little bit of country, a little bit of rock-n-roll, and absolutely no abortions.

“kid_george”

To the crowd’s chagrin, two instrumental choruses go by before Texas Governor and Presidential hopeful George W. Bush rips through the American flag, riding a red and white-striped circus elephant. He’s wearing a regular shirt and tie under his mink coat, and his nose is abnormally red. As he hurls himself off the elephant, he lights a cigarette, shoves it in the beast’s trunk, and grabs the microphone. “Eye of the Tiger” immediately ceases, and he looks at the audience and says, “See? Who said I wasn’t environmentally friendly?” The crowd, to show their appreciation, starts a mosh pit, and the band launches into their hit single, “It’s a Bushy-Bush World.”

The musical outfit on stage this night in Houston, Texas, is George W. Bush and the Crack Rockers, just one more stunt that the folks behind the Bush campaign have pulled out of their collective, well-funded asses. They put together a few studio musicians, wrote a collection of catchy, pro-Bush songs, and unleashed George W. Bush on the world, microphone in hand.

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So, what prompted the formation of George W. Bush and the Crack Rockers?

F… foooorrrmm…ation?

Why’d you start the band?

Oh, well hell, why didn’t you just say so? We at the Bush campaign decided that maybe we weren’t reachin’ everyone we wanted to. For instance, when I said that Jesus was my favorite philosopher, I didn’t expect that I would exclude all those people that DON’T like Jesus! Can you imagine that, not likin’ Jesus? I say they can go to hell, but they can vote for me first. And that’s what this band is all about. Grabbin’ everyone possible. Right here, we’re reaching fans of rock-n-roll. After this, we’re plannin’ on makin’ one of those Mr. Freeze suits like Schwartzenegger had in that Batman movie so that we can pick up all the votes of the Eskimos.

Aren’t Eskimos in Canada, and therefore ineligible to vote in an American election?

Well, shit, I suppose you’re right. Lousy Canadians. I bet they all hate Jesus, too.

Speaking of Canada, do you know who the Prime Minister over there is?

Now don’t you start this with me!

What about the Governor of Texas?

Well, how the hell am I supposed to… oh, wait a second. That’s me, George W. Bush! Heh heh heh heh. You tricky sonofabitch.

So, what do you think of the songs put together for your band?

I really like ‘em, I’ve gotta say. Yep, yep, really like ‘em. Like there’s this one, “Delegate, I Like the Smell of it,” that I think is just fantastic, because, well, boy, you ever smell those delegates? Smell like someone gone and fart in a can, that’s what they smell like. But they all gonna vote for me, so I like the smell of ‘em so much, I could lick all them’s asses.

Do you think the crowd is enjoying the songs?

I’d say so, you bet. There are my people, you know? When I sing a song like that one, “It’s Insane, I’ve Got More Hair Than McCain,” people can really relate because they think to themselves, “Well, I see Bush up there, and I sees McCain in a picture, and by golly, he DOES have more hair than McCain!” So they all agree with me, yep. And that’s why they like the songs.

Have you sold many albums?

Not as many as we hoped we would. My people said we should sell ‘em for some cheap-ass twenty dollars a pop, and I says that we’re not gettin’ much campaign contribution from twenty bucks, nope. Someone might as well just go buy me a cheap dinner if they’re gonna give me twenty dollars. So, I says that CDs need to be one thousand dollars. Then you contributing, you know what I’m saying?

What audience do you feel you’ve gained from this band that you hadn’t had before?

Like I said, people who love rock-n-roll. Rock-n-roll is Satan’s music, you bet, but Satan and Jesus can get together and vote for George W. Bush and I won’t have a problem with it at all. We’re reachin’ out as far as we can to everyone, because we want everyone’s vote. Don’t matter what they want from a President, we’ll just figure that out later. Right now, they vote for me, those rock-n-rollers, you bet. Rock the vote, that’s what them music folks say.

And what about the name of the band? Are you afraid it might come off the wrong way?

No, hell no. I think everyone knows that if you know the right people, you do whatever you please. I do. I’m a politician, so damned to hell if anyone thinks different. You can do crack if you’re protected, you know? That’s what I’m tellin’ the people. People ain’t protected, so they do crack and they go to jail, no doubt about it. Gotta be a line here. There ought to be limits to freedom. ◼