Michiku World Order, Bad Memory Redux, (what about) RAVEN!
by Matthew Damascus
To the 3.2 loyal readers of Bladejob out there, I’m gonna give you the big scoop! No, not the release date of the second part of my Bull Nakano odyssey (Everyone: SHUT THE FUCK UP!) and not even the results to the next episode of Smackdown (In the “biz” me and my “smart” buddies call’em “spoilers.” Hey don’t be jealous.)— Rather, you lot are getting an exclusive preview of some website reviews that will be running in the November! November! November! print edition of Ink 19! I assume the editors were desperate to fill space this month.
If you throw certain things at the wall, they stick, you know…
Easily the best Japanese women’s pro-wrestling site on the net. “All Purpose Cultural Goth Girl” Michiko Kubota maintains and updates this site at least once a week with all the news, results and photos that the discerning puroresu devotee just gots to have! AND she was kind and generous enough to do up the site in English, so us ugly Americans who are too damn lazy to learn another language can sit and bask in all of this godliness. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.
What’s my favorite part of the site, you ask? Hands down, it’s the photo gallery of monster punk wrestling demigod Dump Matsumoto. See Dump getting her head shaved after losing a gimmick match! See Dump carving up opponents with various sharp objects! It never gets old. So I hear some of you out there saying, “But I don’t know about any of these wrestlers! Obviously I’m fucking sick and tired of Lita and Jackie, but where does a beginner jump in?” Glad you asked, for Michiku has undertaken the mammoth task of compiling a “Beginner’s Guide to Joshi Puroresu” and it is only right and proper that we pay her the respect of memorizing every single word in the bloody thing. What else? Tape reviews. And? Show results from the last three years in every major women’s promotion. More? All the pictures that you missed from the Japanese wrestling mags. Hooked yet? There are detailed profiles of between 60-70 influential wrestlers hereabouts. If I ever end up a dad, I’m gonna read the Aja Kong profile to my kids as a bedtime story. Give in! The world does not revolve around T&A, silicone, and toilet humor! Let the revolution begin!
High School Alumni.com
Call me a sadist, call me a masochist, call me the victim of a severe concussion if you must, but I for one am often goddamn fucking curious about what the people I went to high school with are up to now. It’s been a few years, maybe one or two of the one-hundred billion scars left on me from Osceola High have healed, and with that (miniscule) healing comes the rusty knife-wound of nostalgia. Hey I wonder if Johnny X is dead? Hey I wonder if Sally X has two kids and is living in a trailer park? Hands up if you’ve even left your hometown! That few, huh. But this site delivers the sweet, sweet concrete goods. Fuck the reunion baby, that’s so twentieth century. Let’s get virtual and the best part is we can lie our asses off!
Here’s how it works: you search by state, then city, then by school and then (gasp) by year! Their listings are quite exhaustive as well, please note that on your scorecards. Then you can view the names (with an option for maiden name adjustment for the ladies- by the way, the notion that high school-sweethearts-together-forever was quaint and outmoded was quickly dispelled after scanning through the list of my classmates- how thoroughly Norman Rockwell by way of Boo Radley) and marital status of a bunch of people who probably ignored you. Though just seeing who of your classmates is net savvy is a kick in and of itself (in a sad way of course), you can proceed to login and create your own profile, and then and only then can you view the uncensored truth about your high school buddies. In fact, since I checked back to the site today, AS OF NOW they won’t even let you look at the lists until you login and create a profile! WHAT! THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS! Highschoolalumni.com can go fuck off, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, you can always lie and create a “flattering” profile of a beloved peer to get access. Idle hands are truly the devil’s playground. I blame high school.
The Raven’s Crucifix
Un-Official Online Raven Resource
Yeah, so don’t think that a little offhand disclaimer like “Un-Official” is gonna get you off the hook when Vince McMahon sends his Titan legal pitbulls after you folks. So what I’m saying is, hurry up and visit this wonderful fucking site before it gets shut down, either that or before the sky falls. As an aside, I’m pleased as punch that Raven is in the WWF, where he finally gets the chance to hit all of his cool iconic stances and show off his new slim figure to sold-out arenas every night. But many of the WWF-only fans are certainly going to be curious about the epic roots of this man, and that makes this site even more crucial.
Raven’s Crucifix has got it all- a news section where NO tidbit is overlooked, an archive of match results that goes all the way back to his first stint in ECW, along with various chat and discussion forums. I held back the biggest treasure of them all- enough multimedia to beat the average web surfer senseless! It’s gorgeous, every little bit of it. Wallpapers, press shots, and galleries chock full of screen captures from televised matches. I’ve not yet been able to wade through them all, but let me stress how invaluable of a resource this is. Bored at work or school? Look at the Raven “Picture of the Day”!!! I bet they even have photos of that time Raven was all bloody wearing a barbed wire halo and striking the Jesus Christ Pose… Excuse me, I didn’t realize there were still people here.
If you go there now you can join in on a discussion about the t-shirts Raven wears as part of his ring attire!!!! Sandman, Swamp Thing, Inhumans!!! And what’s the meaning of those seven messages insinuating that Raven is going bald? HE’S NOT!! HE’S NOT!! HE’S NOT!! Your time couldn’t be spent more productively.