Entrance Exam
by Jason Nelson
There is a test everyone takes when they turn five. It’s not a standardized
test, where kids learn the valuable skills of choosing letters and coloring
circles. Nor are they stretched between opposing monster trucks to measure
juvenile tensile strength. The test consists of exactly three questions asked on
your birthday. The questions differ from person to person, and are most often
asked unknowingly by people you know. You might be wondering how you can
prepare your young genetic link, or why plastic melts so easily. In the
sixties it was hip to coach the children to answer fourteen and a birdbath to
all questions on their fifth birthday, but the unseasonably high number of
demonic cults that resulted have changed this trend. Now in an attempt to curb
the life-altering effects of the birthday test, parents are trying temporary
vocal cord removal surgery. This, in conjunction with a lead-based juice diet,
seems to be working. Not only have television revenues increased, but the
resultant drool/slobber mix has been found to be an effective lubricant for
combustion engines and the always summertime fun slip-n-slide.