High School Alumni.com
Call me a sadist, call me a masochist, call me the victim of a severe concussion if you must, but I for one am often goddamn fucking curious about what the people I went to high school with are up to now. It’s been a few years, maybe one or two of the one-hundred billion scars left on me from Osceola High have healed, and with that (miniscule) healing comes the rusty knife-wound of nostalgia. Hey, I wonder if Johnny X is dead? Hey, I wonder if Sally X has two kids and is living in a trailer park? Hands up if you’ve even left your hometown! That few, huh. But this site delivers the sweet, sweet concrete goods. Fuck the reunion, baby, that’s so twentieth century. Let’s get virtual, and the best part is we can lie our asses off!
Here’s how it works: you search by state, then city, then by school and then (gasp) by year! Their listings are quite exhaustive as well, please note that on your scorecards. Then you can view the names (with an option for maiden name adjustment for the ladies — by the way, the notion that high school-sweethearts-together-forever was quaint and outmoded was quickly dispelled after scanning through the list of my classmates — how thoroughly Norman Rockwell by way of Boo Radley) and marital status of a bunch of people who probably ignored you. Though just seeing who of your classmates is ‘Net savvy is a kick in and of itself (in a sad way, of course), you can proceed to login and create your own profile, and then and only then can you view the uncensored truth about your high school buddies. In fact, since I checked back to the site today, AS OF NOW they won’t even let you look at the lists until you login and create a profile! WHAT? THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS! Highschoolalumni.com can go fuck off, as far as I’m concerned. Of course, you can always lie and create a “flattering” profile of a beloved peer to get access. Idle hands are truly the devil’s playground. I blame high school.