Twenty Lightbulbs (Of Hope) For 2001
by Matthew Damascus
Lists are fun. So who are the hot picks for 2001? Hmmm, it’s a challenge, I’ll give you that much.
1. Royal Rumble 2001 – Why? Well, it’s all down to nostalgia, pally. Royal Rumble was the first live wrestling event I ever witnessed, and I was cheering like a fuckin’ moron the whole damn time. Jesus, I even went crazy when Hulk Hogan won. Going into the event my pick to win was Demolition Smash (naive? perhaps). Wrestler I cheered for most in the Rumble: Ted motherfucking Dibiase, oh yeaaaah.
2. Juventud Guerrera – That shoot video is gonna fucking rule the school. RFVideo.com! Drugs! Masks! Moonsaults! Perfect Hair! And then this picture shows that he’s on the path to right once again! Bravo!
3. Stephanie McMahon – In actuality, she annoys the hell out of me, but I have a running bet with like five different people that she is gonna be the next WWF pagan sacrifice to Playboy Magazine. So if she does indeed take the plunge, I’m gonna be clearing some serious cash. Go Steph Go! Throw body image right out the damn window.
4. Sean O’Haire – I could really care less about him as a wrestler, he’s way green. It’s just that I know this girl who says she lived next door to him as a child and she used to beat him up all the time. Awwwwwwwwesome!
5. Having To Explain To People Why I like Wrestling – It gets more fun every time I am asked. Last time I compared Atsushi Onita to David Bowie and Akira Hokuto to Marianne Faithfull in her backless nun outfit, duetting on “I Got You Babe.” I then went on to say that last week’s edition of RAW reminded me of Picasso’s “Guernica.” Pathetic? Pssst – in the year 2001, I’ll take my chuckles where I can get them.
6. Chyna – Cuz she makes me turn off wrestling whenever I see her on my television, and suddenly, almost magically, I have two hours of wide-open free time.
7. LEMMY OF MOTORHEAD doing Triple H’s new theme music – With Triple H being so central to WWF storylines, I can fucking well hear Motorhead at least three bloody times a night on prime time TV! MOTORHEAD! IRON FIST! NO VOICES IN THE SKY! I’M A MOTORHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Lance Storm – He’s been buried in one of the most depressing feuds in recent memory, against the plodding, slow-witted General Rection. Yet he’s somehow survived with dignity intact. If Lance Storm overcame that, he can overcome any other bad gimmicks and dead-end feuds thrown at him. Jesus, I just hope they don’t give him a gay gimmick, seems like the next step…
9. Lita – Again, I fucking hate her. But I’m going to add her in, because it warmed my bitter little fucking heart when my pal Chris asked me about whatever happened to Miss Congeniality from ECW, and when I told him that she got breast implants and is in the WWF now as Lita, his goddamn face lit up like a kid on X-Mas morning. Plus it will be perversely compelling watching if she cripples someone on live television.
10. Tajiri – He kicks people in the face like the snot-nosed punks they are, damn, damn, damn. If an opponent begs off, he kicks them harder. Plus — nice pants.
11. Aja Kong – Yet another year of dominance. Punk fucking rock. (So see, there, I don’t hate all woman wrestlers, ya bastards, just the silicone-y ones.)
12. XPW – A collection of blood-freaks and ECW cast-offs led by some almost-sleazy porn types whose reach is always greater than their grasp (on reality). Points for giving Juventud something to do, negative points for not delivering on the promise of Onita. Golly, sometimes I can’t help but wonder exactly what it is that gives the XPW head honchos such incredible confidence and arrogance. I just can’t put my finger on it, or my nose. Oops, nevermind.
13. Rey Misterio Jr. – Some wrestlers hide their Ecstacy intake better than others.
14. Mike Awesome – Never have I been so wrong about a wrestler’s ability to rise above the crap by sheer force of talent. Poor Awesome’s dead to the world. Please kill me. Now. Just seein’ the expression on my pal H’s face when he found out about the leisure-suit gimmick — mmm priceless. Is is fair play to get joy from watching someone watch wrestling, instead of the wrestling itself? Why sure, it’s called postmodernism. Some people have made an academic career of it.
15. Tazz – Cuz he’s Tazz. Y’know Tazz. Hey, at least if he’s stuck behind the microphone he’s not gonna job to everyone in the company, right? Wow, this here Number 15 has the distinct whiff of a sympathy vote. I must be getting soft.
16. William Regal – He’s got the fruity posh Englishman affectations down pat. So after he drops his monocle in shock at your dreadful uncouth manners, he slaps the shit out of you with a stiff forearm. Ever so nice.
17. WWF RealScan Toys – The novelty of seeing all these perfect little replications of wrestlers’ heads and facial expressions, legions of them, encased in plastic coffins in Wal-Marts all around the world will NEVER NEVER get old.
18. ECW – Okay wiseguys, who put their soap opera and Bad News Bears tape collections in my wrestling? If I’m in a bad mood, I just cruise on over to an internet wrestling news site, and ECW’s financial woes put my frown in stark perspective. It’s grand. Oh, but what if they die?
19. Jeff Hardy – I don’t know. He wears nail polish and platform shoes, which is cool. And he’s a wrestler, so people won’t beat him up for it, which is even cooler. And you should have seen him crotch himself on the top turnbuckle in a botched spot over the holidays. That, my friend, is required holiday programming. Fuck the Waltons.
20. Farooq/Ron Simmons – Tallahassee’s finest. What? Jesus, you try thinking up twenty good things about wrestling on the telly right now. In all seriousness, I just love the badly recorded, heavy-on-the-bass-and-echo station id’s he cuts to introduce WWF syndicated programming on Saturday night. “Hi, I’m Rodlkfjdlkfj Simmldkfjdlkfj etc etc etc…”
Yessir, this year is gonna be the best yet.