A Look Into the Future

Thrombo Phlebitis

Since the previous 1000 years started out on a sour note, I think the next 1000 years will be pretty miserable. The Dark Ages, the Crusades, the conquest of the Western World, and the rise of the two-party system. It is amazing we made it to six billion people on this rock.

The 20th Century was an amazingly bloody hundred years. It opened with the Turkish massacre of untold millions of Armenians. It saw the rise of Fascism that gave history the Holocaust. Thirty years later, there was genocide in Cambodia, then Rwanda and Yugoslavia. This trend will not end in the future. As I write this, a cabal of Poughkeepsie Marxists is planning the ultimate destruction. It is written in their prophecy that there will be a religious uprising south of Winnipeg as the armies of the NHL assemble. This will culminate in the ultimate war eventually destroying every known religion on the planet and leading to the establishment of a universal cult of reverence around the pickled head of Lee Trevino.

The next 1000 years will see the aging of the world. With the aid of pills and supplements from the mega-conglomerates Pfizer and Merc-Medco will come immortality. Like Logan’s Run in reverse, breeding will be outlawed, and the last generation of young people will age until everyone has become a pill-popping, wrinkled mass of flesh bowing down to the preserved head of the great PGA tour pro.

Of course, space travel across galaxies will be achieved. NASA already has the jump on firing old people into space. Soon, that is all they’ll have left to do. They’ll empty out nursing homes on Earth and rocket them to Mars to work in the Viagra mines. Sources close to NASA divulged that they are already perfecting that sublime prune flavor to all their pureed space food.

A religious war on a global scale, the death of birth, and seniors in space. Not much to look forward to. Thank God I’m a 20th Century Man (but I don’t want to die here – thanks, Ray Davies). ◼