Haphazard Knowledge of Architecture
by Jason Nelson
Unknown to most people. Completely hidden from the greatest minds our world can
procreate or genetically manufacture, is an all-powerful, omnipresent phrase.
The only reason I’m aware of this phrase is because an odd-smelling homeless
man informed me of its existence. One snowy day I was walking around downtown,
trying to impress a pretty girl with my haphazard knowledge of architecture. We
passed a homeless man pleading for booze or cash or night-time cough medicine.
In a vain attempt to look both generous and superior, I tossed him a two dollar
bill. My ego-driven charity touched him in some special special, non-groin
sort-of-way. He grabbed my coat, pulled me close to his weathered face, and in
one gasoline soaked breath, said he wanted to tell me the secret to all
happiness and wealth. So as not to look scared in front of my make-out prospect, I
stood brave and asked sarcastically for his mighty mighty word elixir. He spoke
uncharacteristically elegant of an amazing phrase that when announced would give
the speaker great wisdom and power. Feeling a bit uncomfortable and concerned
about his curious consumption of gasoline, I asked shakingly why, if he knew
this phrase, was he homeless. And with a low chin, he stuck out a forked
tongue, and gravely warned,
never get your tongue pierced, dear god, never pierce your tongue.
Cowboy Cheerleaders
We should all work together to stop forest fires. The first step is destroying
the sun. The second is to build a gigantic space ship. Inside its cavernous hull
we’ll put all kinds of plants, animals, and the modernest of all modern
technology. The crew of such a ship should be a well-researched mix of the
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and me. My friend Charlie also wants to go. But he’s
a mooch and owes me twenty bucks. So, I’ll probably invite him, but then give
him the wrong lift-off time. And as the sun dies, and our ship leaves this cold
cold rock of ice, Charlie, watching the ship, humanity’s last hope, taking off
into the safety of space, will reach into his pocket, feel a twenty between his
sweaty fingers, and consider the ramifications of not paying me back in a timely
manner.
