Satori

James Mann

Satori: A spiritual awakening sought in Zen Buddhism, often coming suddenly.

Hindsight has been described as being 20-20. This is true. At the instant you achieve your own private satori, you are often too engrossed in the moment to notice its significance. Only years later, when you look back and see the shift in your life that occurred at that point in time, do you realize that you unwittingly had been at a fork in the road. The choice you made then set in motion the events of the rest of your life.

If you had known its import, would you have made a different decision? Do you regret the path you chose, and long for a moment to have the chance to go another way? If given such an option, would you take it? It is the underlying tenet of all bad time travel sci-fi; you can go back in time, but to change events as they have already occurred will wreak havoc on the future. This too is true.

The first moment I held you in my arms was my sudden spiritual awakening. You seemed so small and scared. I think you cried a bit. I spoke softly and comforted you, and after a moment you quieted down, and rested your head on my chest. From that moment on, you haven•t been out of my thoughts. You are a factor in all I do, and will ever do. I•ve watched you grow, and stumble, and curse to the point I wish I could step in and fix things for you. But that would be wrong, even if I could. How would have learned to walk if I had carried you all these years? Would you have learned to speak if I had given you everything without your asking? I don•t think so. So instead I stood as far back as I could and watched you grow. And grow you have. Those fears of years ago are gone, replaced by new ones, yes, but ones that are easier to manage. You are surer of voice, stronger of step. So am I. For all that I have done for you, you have returned ten-fold.

We have reached a point where the patterns of our lives take us apart. You are growing up, into an age of discovery and maturity. Me? I keep spinning my plates, trusting that when I die, I will finally get some sleep. So if our future finds us estranged, then it will be as it should be perhaps, and only in the most literal physical sense. For you live always in my heart, a muscle you helped me grow. You echo in my soul, and live in my laughter.

To whoever reads this and wonders, yes, it is for you.•&endBlock•