Death and Her Substitute
by Jason Nelson
At a junior college in South central Kansas there is an introductory
course taught by Death. The course, Basics in Animal Husbandry, is
transferable to most major Universities, except for a few small liberal
arts colleges who are skeptical of Death’s academic qualifications. At
least once, but usually two or three times, during every semester, Death
would be absent from class. In her place was always the same man, who
simply announced himself as Death’s Substitute. He spoke with a strong
southern accent, was very overweight, and told stories about his wacky
shopping mishaps at discount stores to highlight his lessons. The next
day Death would be back in class, excusing her absence because of some
cold or flu. Then the class would laugh, to which Death would respond
with a slight smile, because we had all seen the mornings news about
some plane crash or earthquake, and knew what she’d really been up to.
Ejaculation
The blizzard didn’t make me blind. Snow and the swirling wind are only
in the minds of children, or at least that’s what the biopsy indicated.
It’s the sun and all its crazy antics that burned my retinas into bacony
crisps. You see, because I don’t, not anymore, the sun plays tricks in
the winter. Sometimes it gets bored with the cold and cloudy days of
late December and decides to ham it up with its best friends, the heat
and a few unrelated plumbing tools. When a winter storm comes in from
the north, during the height of its ice dropping power, the sun and
friends create a series of fun-loving, yet awfully dangerous practical
jokes. So, when you’re fumbling around through a white haze of freezing
rain, and you unexpectedly come across a warm fire, and a plunger or
pipe wrench with which to build a shelter or fix an annoying sewage
problem, run away as fast as fast is away. Because if you stick around
to heat your cold-numbed appendages, the sun will burst through the
clouds with a cartoony demonic laugh and bake your eyeballs. I know they
think they’re just being funny, but eyesight is an important part of a
nutritious breakfast, and besides we have ways of imploding small
stars.