I’m Making All Of This Up
by Josh Sullivan
19 short paragraphs of nonsensical tomfoolery that make up one horrific story.
Let’s jump back into my mind and have another blast of lame Joshness. I hope all of you haven’t died after reading that first line. I make no sense and I guess that you could really call me senseless. So, that brings me to the latest column. It’s a story about a robot and a man named Dog. Enjoy.
Mr. Dog MacGurlgetoast was flying down the street towards his house with the use of a jetpack he made earlier in the day. As he turned to go into his bedroom window, a horribly filthy robot was there to greet him. It looked like it had been bathing in a swamp.
“Hello, my name is Pouch Megalopolis,” the robot said. Dog was ready to blow his salmon milkshake of a lunch all over because of Pouch’s swampy stench. Stumbling around in a vomitlicious haze, he grabbed a garden hose and sprayed off the beast. The robot was so grateful that he almost started to cry.
Three hours later and still not stating why he was there, Pouch Megalopolis put on a metal head wig and started singing “Girls, Girls, Girls.” Mr. MacGurgletoast suddenly got very confused and nearly stabbed himself with a pair of scissors that mysteriously appeared in his hand. The robot then announced that Dog had just won a million dollars.
The 107-year-old man jumped for joy and nearly broke a couple hips. He was so ecstatic that he called up his mom and told her to shut up. He no longer needed her financial assistance. He was finally independent for the first time in his life. The robot then told him he was just joking.
“What in the name of Charles Kurault do you mean you’re just joking,” Dog screamed. Lunging at the chuckling robot, Pouch didn’t have any time to respond. He had laughed his last robotic laugh. Dog ripped off metal limb after metal limb and got a really big smile on his face. He then realized he was late for a date he made three weeks ago.
Dog was a true ladies man. He dressed as dapper as Dudley Moore and sang like Dudley Do-Right. He spent massive amounts of cash on dinners and entertainment such as strolls through the garbage dump. Tonight his date was one Mertle Allenpatch.
Mertle was a real looker and she had won numerous beauty contests for women over 110 years of age. Dog was always going after older women. The two of them had met at a punk rock show. That is their favorite music.
Anyways, back to this hot date. Everything was going great for Dog and Mertle. They even had hinted at a possible marriage between the two of them and mentioned how good their future kids would look. They decided to make plans to go on a picnic the next week.
Mertle picked up Dog that next Saturday on her motorcycle and the two of them happened to pick the worst park in town to engorge on a meal of snail heads and wheat paste. Going hand in hand, the two of them ran down a hill towards a highly polluted Lake Stenchlegs. Tripping on a discarded mannequin head as well as a lone bucket of lettuce, Mertle smashed into the ground and her skeleton popped out and started running the rest of the way down the hill. Dog chased after it and nearly caught up to Mertle’s inside self but a tornado appeared and sucked it right up.
Dog walked back to the newly squishy Mertle and told her he didn’t find her attractive anymore. He kicked some sand in her eyes and darted off with the picnic basket. He felt at ease when he realized that two lunches are better than one.
The next morning was a snowy one. Latching up his snow pants and putting on his trusty scarf, Dog hopped in his station wagon and did some stunt driving in the parking lot of his favorite strip club. He needed to kill some time before they opened.
Noon came around and Dog rushed up to the door. Gunther the bouncer was there and he looked drunk. Girls swarmed around Dog and demanded for him to croon out a tune. He told them to hold their horses as he proceeded to remove his scarf. “I hope you like this song,” Dog said.
“My name is Dog MacGurgletoast and I am the coolest guy in the whole world.
If I put my dying heart to it, I could get any woman, moose, sandwich, or girl.
My last lady friend was ten years older than me and now she doesn’t have a skeleton.
I used to love her face, her smile, her charm but being boneless is never any fun.”
“I told my mom to shut up and she said, ‘Oh my!’
I gleefully thought to myself of a mince meat pie.
I like to watch ‘Charles in Charge’ and play air guitar.
Once, when I was little, I ate a minute amount of tar.”
Thanks for listening to my song. Please give me some money.
I don’t care if you say if it wasn’t even funny.
That’s the end of this junk, this garbage, this crap.
I really think it would have been better if sung as a rap.”
“Wow, that was fantastic Mr. MacGurgletoast,” exclaimed Bunny the stripper. Dog was modest and thought nothing of it. He was thinking of a lap dance though. Dog ended up getting one shortly after. That put his sorry self into a deep coma.
Family members of Dog’s came from all over the place including Borneo of all places. His third cousin, Laughing Gravy MacGurgletoast, made one of his rare comedic appearances to try to get Dog out of his coma. He performed a routine mostly of dull humor and parlor tricks. The other family members got fed up with it and threw him out the hospital room window.
Dog came out of the coma and slightly opened his eyes. The family gathered around the decrepit old man to hear any words that might escape his festering sewer mouth. “I want to be buried in a coffee can, have fresh flowers on my grave every day, waffles thrown on the ground to nourish me, and strippers to dance daintily around my tombstone. By the way, I hate all of you.” He breathed one last time.
Epilogue: Old Dog MacGurgletoast died a horrible and painful death. His ghost traveled to many towns to participate in arm wrestling competitions. When the tenure of that was up, Dog came back to life as a robot that liked to play jokes on people.