Don’t Be The Thing That Keeps Me Up At Night

by Chuck Bantam

I hate you and you don’t even exist. Not physically anyway. You’re a thought. But maybe something worse than that. You won’t let me sleep. I let you speak and apparently you have a lot to say. Your big mouth keeps running and running. You seem to be a judge. You won’t keep your finger out of my face. You are here to remind me of something. It is never something good. Just what part of me do you come from anyway? Why would I do this to myself?

I try to remember amusing things from my past. My friend once poured too much beer into his mouth to the point where it burst out from the sides of his lips. He simply pulled his head away in frustration not thinking to right his beer but instead poured it all over the front of his shirt. Damn, that was funny. I remember a time when my friends and I hung out so often that things became routine. Now you remind me that those friends are gone. You say that while I was messing around with them I should have been doing something else; focusing on a career.

You show me pictures too. Pictures of fame. Fuckass bands like Green Day, P.O.D. and the Offspring making millions of dollars to shit into a microphone. Pathetic, self-absorbed actors/director/producers like Mario Van Peebles making expensive celluloid toilet paper out of film. I see 10-10-220 that causes me to cringe with repugnance. T.V. shows about competitive dating. All this is supposed to mean something. Your words tell me that If I don’t step up and show everyone how I think things should be done, I’ll just be a critic my whole life. If I think “The Cell” is such a horrible movie then what could I do that’s better. But right now I don’t want to think about those things. Right now I want to sleep.

Why can’t you come to me when I have energy? Don’t be the thing that keeps me up at night, be the thing that motivates me during the day. Turn me into a superhero- “Motivation Man”. Watch Motivation Man as he cleans his room, does the dishes, and writes a novel in a single afternoon. Motivation Man tires of his job and finds another one immediately. Yes, Motivation Man can talk you and your friends into doing something worthwhile. But for now he has to face his loathsome enemy……Sleep. See I can’t do anything about this crap at night! If I spend all night hating my life because some subconscious asshole decided now would be a good time to have a talk I’ll just be a zombie the next day.

There is something else I’ve noticed. Something sinister in the way you talk to me at night. There is a feeling that you may actually be coming from somewhere else. That you are not just in my head. You lead me to believe that time is running out. You tell me that I don’t fit in. You say that I will never be complete It’s as if you already know the future. It’s as if you already know how my life will end.

I supose you could be some kind of balance instead of just something that keeps me up at night. Life can’t be all positive so there must be something to keeep everyone in check. I’m obviously remembering the things that we talked about at 4:00 in the morning. I am listening. I ponder these thoughts constantly and I think I’m understanding your point. Now ponder one of mine. I want some fucking sleep.