I Plan On Giving You Bad Advice
by Josh Sullivan
All of you need to change your habits! Let’s start anew and welcome Spring with open arms. Read this plan for the week I have concocted, follow what it says and you will be well on your way to becoming a winner! A weekly plan will give you confidence and hope for a future that doesn’t involve eating leeches or selling grizzly bears door to door. Here goes:
This is the best day to go grocery shopping because a ton of old people are at the store. You can do a bunch of things such as:
1.) Get a shopping cart and start pushing it really fast behind grocery snobs. People, especially those of the olden kind, will get real mad at you and scream things like ‘You nearly took off my ankles!’ Just make sure to stop before you actually hit anyone.
2.) Talk really loud and with an accent. Start saying words that aren’t real and scream a lot, too, as if you are getting angry at potato prices being too high. A loud person is a noticeable person.
3.) Take a friend with you and talk to them about how many of your diseases are killing you. Be sure to talk about this in front of others or else it is useless. When people think you have diseases, they want to run away very fast from you. This clears up any congestion in the aisles and it’ll help you get to your jar of applesauce just a little quicker.
4.) When you’re ready to check out, get everything rung up and just stare blankly at the cashier. As she keeps prodding you to give her some cash flow, start drooling. For added effect, fall over and pretend to fall asleep. You might get a free ride to the hospital and a cart full of free groceries.
Go jogging at three in the morning. You have to make sure to take a bull horn with you. Sing Rosemary Clooney songs into it and proceed to eat leaves that have been decomposing in the road. If you don’t have a bull horn, a whistle is equally annoying. The police will chase you and probably beat you up. You might not be able to finish the weekly plan in one piece. Mention to the cop- ‘But Occifer, I thought it was three in the afternoon!’ It more than likely will not get you out of any jam you may be in, but it will provide more of a story to tell your friends.
This is ‘New Music Day.’ Go to your favorite record, tape, or CD outlet and cause a ruckus by screaming that you believed it to be that week where your favorite band’s album was finally coming out. Your favorite band will be a made up one that can have a lot of words in it if you wish, such as “Red Faced Giant Toucan Mister Mister Happy Clan Twins” or something of that nature. Start shaking and then cry out that nothing ever goes right for you. Do this every week and keep making up new bands until that sorry day comes where you are banned from the store. The best thing about this is that there are always more CD shops.
This is ‘New Comic Day.’ For geeks all over the country, this is the day to rush down to the comic shop and pick up some super-hero books, funny comics, and the latest addition to a collection they’ve been keeping for three-fourths of their life. Paint yourself all green and venture into one of these shops to declare that you are from the planet “FootNose.” You were choosen to take back some select reading material for your superiors to research and get a feel of what sort of entertainment there is on Earth. There is a great chance that the dweebs will believe it and you might be taking home the latest issue of a lame Crossgen Comics book.
It’s almost Friday and you need to do something that’ll get you there just a little faster by passing the time. A nice mixture of coffee, cheese, and straps of carpet in a handy pickle bucket will keep you company on this day. As you walk down the street, people might ask you what you have in the bucket. Tell them you went fishing and proceed to show them your “catch.” When they look in and see things floating in brown water, start screaming “Holy Merry-Go-Round, I had my dog in there and now he melted! My buddy is gone and it’s all this damn bucket’s fault!!!” If people start running from you, act like a clumsy fool and start spilling the contents of the bucket and keep tripping over your feet. Before you know it, Friday is here.
The great ‘TGIF’ line-up on ABC Friday night has disappeared from all of our hearts and all of our television screens. It’s time to bring it back! Go to the busiest intersection in your village, town, borough, city, or metropolis dressed up as Corey Matthews (as played by Fred Savage’s asinine little brother, Ben) from Boy Meets World. Standing on the corner, scream as loud as you can, the ‘TGIF’ theme song:
It’s Friday night,
and the moon is bright
Gonna have some fun,
show you how it’s done…
Keep repeating this until the onslaught of bottles and spit from passing drivers is enough for you to turn in for the night. Great fun!
A lot of people will be at the mall purchasing goodies like ponchos and Adam Ant cassettes. This will be your chance to get some recognition for doing a week’s worth of great work. Get some of your friends together and when you are walking around, have them start clapping and hooting wildly just at the mere notion of your presence. This will draw attention to you and will garner autograph seekers to come up and ask you who you are. Say “No English” and sign your name on their forehead. Keep this up and you just might be able to get a measurable crowd following you. Your ego will be helped drastically and you can sleep easy that night as you think of how to pull off another exciting week.