Fred Durst: Not Just a Member… He’s in Limp Bizkit!
Fred Durst to endorse the Hair Club for Men on next Limp Bizkit tour.
Daniel L. Mitchell
In a strange twist of fate, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has announced that he will endorse the Hair Club for Men on Limp Bizkit’s next tour, tenatively titled the “Balding, but Still Angry and White” tour. Durst, who is known for his trademark backwards baseball cap, was quoted at a recent press conference:
“Yeah, you know, I need to represent the H.C. Sy’s [Sy Sperling, President and member] always been a good friend of mine and he talked me into losing the hat and letting the world know that I have ‘male-pattern baldness.’ Now, I want all you people out there to recognize that I’m still ‘real’ and I can still flow like water when I’m on the mic, so don’t be frontin’.”
It was an emotional press conference, to say the least, and was highly dramatic, as well. Mr. Durst entered the conference wearing what is often dubbed a “G,” or “gangsta” outfit, which included his trademark backwards baseball cap. He was nonchalantly greeting the members of the press when he suddenly grabbed the bill of his “cranium cover” [as he once called it] and viciously ripped the hat from head, to reveal a frighteningly sparsely populated terrain of many a lone cacti. He pointed at his hair, or lack thereof, and noted mockingly, “You see, this is why I’ve been wearing the hat! I know you guys just thought I was representin’ the streets with the hat, but I’m so clever that I knew that always wearing a hat would hinder any suspicion! Ha ha ha!”
Mr. Durst had the look of a madman in his eye. “You see, people, the key to my sucess was wearing the hat backwards, as opposed to the standard way. I knew that any possible inquiries as to my lack of hair would be thwarted… um… I mean… Yo, I knew suckas wouldn’t be frontin’ if my dome-piece was on backwards, ’cause they’d know I was just keepin’ it real… yo.” The press room sat gazing in awe at Mr. Durst’s ghetto eloquence.
Mr. Durst, who’s often been seen as a spokesman for angry adolescent boys, does not feel that supporting the Hair Club for Men will alienate his fans at all. In response to a question about how his fans will take to such a bizarre endorsement for a “rap-rock” band, Durst noted “Yo, G, just like I said: “It’s my way, my way or the highway.” The press member seemed confused by the response, replying simply “whatever…” during which Fred bobbed his head up and down while rubbing his chin, while muttering “aww yeah.”
Mr. Durst also gave a merchandising sneak peek of sorts, revealing some of the new things which will be on sale at Limp Bizkit’s shows on this tour. Most noteworthy were the adult diapers, in three different sizes, which feature the Limp Bizkit spray painted logo, as seen on the cover of Three Dollar Bill, Ya’ll. When asked about the diapers, Durst vehemently yelped, “Yo, incontinence is off the hiz-ee!”
In a genius moment, one of the reporters asked Mr. Durst a truly eye-opening question: “Mr. Durst, you are renowned for having an endless supply of chest and back hair; do you dispute this?” Mr. Durst had no complaints, quipping “Naw Dawg…” as he took a sip from his bottle of Evian, which he had cleverly wrapped in a brown paper bag before the conference. “Well then, Mr. Durst. Did it ever occur to you to simply trim your back hair and glue it to your balding head?” With this revelation, the conference room became a sea of confusion and shocked murmurs. Mr. Durst seemed, at first, to take a liking to the idea, peering off into the distance and smiling a bit with eyebrows raised in contemplation.
After a few moments, though, Mr. Durst shot back, “Yo, G, that’s whack! I’m out to prove something! I’m gonna be the hardest thritysomething white rapper around, and my boy M.C. Sperling’s rockin’ that head rug on the turntables, beotch!”
And with that, Fred Durst picked up a microphone from the floor and a large curtain opened to reveal the remaining members of Limp Bizkit all plugged in and ready to play… with the addition of a new, early-50s member by the name of Sy. Needless to say, Fred Durst’s impeccable credibility remains unchallenged. What a brave man!