Carl The Dog Is My Hero
by Josh Sullivan
Carl’s Jumbo Fun Book
From Honey Bear Books
Based on the Carl Books by Alexandra Day
This is a huge coloring book about a dog named Carl that touts “Dot-to-Dots, puzzles, mazes, and more.” Why do they find the need to capitalize dot-to-dots?
This behemoth starts out with a couple of schlubs bringing home a new baby and Carl welcoming it by chewing its face off.
Each page shows the baby getting bigger and having a blast with Carl, the party dog. With most of the pages not having captions, it leaves the imagination to make this book funnier than it should be. You can even add word balloons to the different characters such as, “Man, a baby’s arm could rake in the big bucks on the black market!” Or have Carl wonder, “If I had some crank, I wouldn’t be so depressed.” The family finds it uproarious to put beards on Carl and take him EVERYWHERE with them. They even drag him to the doctor’s office as the baby is happy to be getting her first shot. The kid is smiling away as the doctor is daydreaming about getting some ass. Does he even know that Carl is a dog? That’s not sanitary at all. He might have rabies, doc! Does everyone think that since Carl is such a big dog that he should be reclassified as a very hairy person?
Fourth of July rolls around and we find both Carl and the baby dressed up like Uncle Sam. Time goes backwards in Carl’s World because when you turn the page, he’s running away with a Valentine in his mouth. What the fuck, Carl, is Valentine’s Day in August? Get a calendar, you shitbag! Some activities pop up like “Circle the picture of Carl that is different from the others,” and “Color the Picture: Mom lets Carl baby-sit.” Now all hell breaks loose! Carl looks very angry that he of all people er…dogs, has to watch the rotten brat. Mom is off to the crack house as Carl wonders what marinade would be good to use on the child.
I love the “Color the Picture” pages. Any moron can see that every page can be colored. Are kids only going to color the pages that tell you to? Probably. This book will eat you if you don’t listen to its warnings. Then, there is a picture of Carl wearing a backwards cap and driving a car that says “Ride Me” on the front bumper. He looks like he’s doing just that with him rocking this machine at a million miles per hour. Somehow, the little punk Madeline (I don’t know why they even gave the tiny wretch a name) is riding on a horse with no one around. Is she hopped up on something or does she have bad parents? Both. If you’re a little kid and your parents let a 154-year-old mutt be your babysitter, then maybe you should start applying to an orphanage.
A great activity comes up when you have to circle the things Carl likes to eat. The choices: a saw, a bone, whistle, dog biscuit, basketball, and a bowl of dog food. Oh no, Carl! Don’t eat the dog biscuit because it’s laced with poison. Give the saw a nice chomp! Carl ends up skateboarding, kidnapping Madeline to go to a parade, and stealing money from dear old mom’s dresser. Carl and Madeline get on a bus (the driver must think that Carl is a seeing eye dog or something) and they end up at a shack that doubles for a clubhouse. There, more dopey animals and another horrible sea monster of a girl greet them. They play dress up and get drunk after eating some pie.
The best part so far has to be when Carl and Madeline get back on the bus to go home and they’re waving out the window at the mom, who’s driving in her car. She’s quite content that both her child and her dog are not at home building pipe bombs, but rather on a bus with drug dealers and hookers. Way to go, mom! They get home and start watching what looks to be the most god-awful cartoon ever. It’s a horrible knock-off of Mighty Mouse who floats around with a smiley-faced flower and waves a lot. Madeline then goes fishing (this kid needs dinner since her parents are about three states over by now), and Carl brings some frozen fish so he doesn’t have to waste his valuable canine time catching any. They end up at the museum to say hello to a Styracosaurus and back home to listen to gangster rap on the GIANT record player (it’s bigger than Carl).
Some rare dialogue pops up when Carl’s owner meets up with her Madame and that lady’s puppy, Fuckface Flowerchomper.
“What a surprise to see you here, Sarah! Let’s go and have some tea.”
“Fine. Carl can take care of the baby and the puppy.”
“I know you’ll take good care of Madeline and the puppy while we’re gone, Carl.”
Oh, yeah right. Carl wasn’t even asked to do more parenting. He needs to start his own babysitting service so he can get paid to do all this dirty work while mom and friend are out drinking “tea.”
The lady’s puppy seems to be a little version of Carl, but even meaner. He attacks a baby sheep by jumping on its back and then fucks with some guy’s paints as he is painting the worst thing ever: a bunch of squares. Nice ruler work, Chappy! Carl then ditches Madeline, dances with some Jewish kid, and goes to a football game. He has a more exciting life than me and I can’t believe I’m jealous of a goddamn fake coloring book dog.