The Telltale Cast
by Unbalanced Breakfast
</strong>June 11, 2002</td>
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HisCheapMoves, kittydeathstar, Pink Lady</td>
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of being the “first” Unbalanced Breakfast. At the time,
the plan was to proceed as planned and broadcast the chat live to the page,
even though nobody outside our hosts and their guest even knew what was
happening. However, although everything in the control room looked hunky-dory,
they couldn’t squirt the bird – technical difficulties with AOL’s “open”
chat server meant the live updates were not to be. Still, the episode was
recorded and is presented here for your historical reference.</td>
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Official Historian, Ink 19</td>
</tr>
</table>
HisCheapMoves: Welcome.
kittydeathstar: Oh shit…
HisCheapMoves: What’s our theme music tonight?
kittydeathstar: Kelly Osbourne’s version of Papa Don’t Preach, of course…
HisCheapMoves: Oh, I like that. Nice foreshadowing.
kittydeathstar: It’s metal, you know… or so I’ve heard.
HisCheapMoves: Metal royalty, at least.
kittydeathstar: I thought that was Dio?
HisCheapMoves: Duke Dio is not welcome in many places.
kittydeathstar: Except the royal stables……
HisCheapMoves: The Hercules of Metal.
kittydeathstar: May I introduce HisCheapmoves – the sultan of slam and master of ceremonies!
HisCheapMoves: Thank you, thank you. A proper introduction makes all the difference.
kittydeathstar: You’re looking good tonight, sir.
HisCheapMoves: Thank ye, kitty.
kittydeathstar: Keep the clicks a’comin’ … We’ll be rockin’ all night long. Only pausing to mop our fevered brows-
HisCheapMoves: We’re way into this merging of web and chat technologies, and are very excited about the synergy between these two time-wasters.
kittydeathstar: In fact, that’s our corporate mission statement!
[[Noam Chomsky]] HisCheapMoves: You know, I saw something interesting today. Someone disagreed with Noam Chomsky – as a linguist.
kittydeathstar: Really?
HisCheapMoves: To quote: <blockquote>Phrases like “um” and “uh” and “you know” play an important role in language, he argues, by serving as a speaker’s “conversation managers” in the human interaction aspect of conversation.
That idea runs counter to the thinking of Noam Chomsky, a renowned linguist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology… </blockquote>
kittydeathstar: (at this point its a herculean effort to stay away from the “u” and “m” key – must avoid obvious joke)
HisCheapMoves: So let’s bring on our special guest.
kittydeathstar: Cue applause!
HisCheapMoves: Here we go… I’d like to introduce our official NYC correspondent, who has a celebrity sighting for us.
Pink Lady: Thank you! It’s nice to be here with Unbalanced Breakfast!
HisCheapMoves: It’s good to have you. What about this sighting?
kittydeathstar: Do tell!
Pink Lady: I went to the Angelica Film Center on Houston with my pal Dave Sprague to see Roman Coppola’s new film, CQ. While Dave and I waited to be let into our theater, we hung out in the cafe in the main lobby. Dave says to me (Kidding) “Look, it’s Kelly Osbourne!”
I turned and saw this pink head disappear around a pillar to go to the snack bar. I didn’t really think it was Kelly, and neither did Dave. Because everyone has pink hair in that part of town (myself included).
HisCheapMoves: You are so pre-Kelly.
kittydeathstar: You are correct, sir! (sorry)
[[Kelly Osbourne]] Pink Lady: Then she came over to a table with a guy with brown hair, and it sure did look a lot like Kelly Osbourne…but…she had a cast on her hand. Also, she didn’t look as “plump” as Kelly looks on TV.
HisCheapMoves: Star makeover…
Pink Lady: And she was very cute! But anyway, we went down stairs to our theater and darn it if Kelly Klone and her normal-looking date didn’t…enter the same theater. Dave and I couldn’t stop obsessing over whether this was REALLY Kelly Osbourne or just some pink-haired Village chick who was milking a serious resemblance. “I should go say ‘Hey’ to her, because, man, that show was just so RAD!” I kept saying to Dave.
Anyway, the film started and we forgot all about kelly and her boy. And the movie was really really good, two thumbs up .
HisCheapMoves: The soundtrack is great, it’s very Vampyros Lesbos.
Pink Lady: Yeah, if you’ve seen “Barbarella” I recommend it. So, the film ends and Kelly and her guy split the theater and I saw her run into the bathroom. Then Dave and I walked West on Houston and got some good mexican food and some killer margaritas.
Anyhoo, today Dave emails me this news story that Kelly Osbourne had to miss the Jay Leno show because..she BROKE HER HAND!!!
HisCheapMoves: The Telltale Cast!
Pink Lady: It was totally her!
kittydeathstar: Spooky!
HisCheapMoves: She’s 17, right?
Pink Lady: And I blew the meeting! I suck! She’s really cute though. Yes, 17. Sexy and 17.
kittydeathstar: What was she wearing? Pop star clothes or sort of hot topic-y clothes?
Pink Lady: She was totally dressed like a boy: a sort of blue striped shirt like what referees wear. And some nondescript pants. That’s one of the reasons I did not think it could be her.
kittydeathstar: She dresses more androgynously, a bit more Patti Smith…
Pink Lady: I wish I had just asked if it was her but I did not want to be “a fan,” ya know?
kittydeathstar: She might have gotten a bit freaked out since you had pink hair at that…
Pink Lady: I heard she was signing autographs at the Britney Spears concert.
kittydeathstar: That’s fucking fascinating!
HisCheapMoves: That must have driven Britney’s religious hangers-on nuts.. she’s the spawn of Satan!
kittydeathstar: Did she just show up? Or was this an official appearance?
Pink Lady: Kelly was in the front row at Britney. I guess her Dad pulled some strings. A woman who calls the office a lot told me that she thought Kelly’s version of “Papa Don’t Preach” totally smoked Madonna.
kittydeathstar: So I think it’s edged into “acceptable freakiness” – funny. Did you like it?
HisCheapMoves: I have heard good things about it, but haven’t heard it myself.
kittydeathstar: What good things?
Pink Lady: I have not yet had the pleasure of hearing it either.
HisCheapMoves: Actually, the “good things” are more in line with “not as horrible as I thought it would be”
Pink Lady: HA!
kittydeathstar: I thought it was awful. The vocals were like that last Cher single…
Pink Lady: Now I’m all curious
kittydeathstar: Machine-washed to the point of total generic-ness
Pink Lady: Cher. Scary.
HisCheapMoves: That creepy pitch-shifting…
kittydeathstar: YEAH!
HisCheapMoves: That’s basically for people who can’t sing in tune.
Pink Lady: “I can’t sing at all so run me through the computer” awful.
kittydeathstar: She (Kelly) has a pretty distinctive speaking voice – y’know. But I kept wondering where it went during the performance…
HisCheapMoves: Well, I wouldn’t put it past her to have genuine talent. But I do think it’s odd that she sings all of a sudden.
Pink Lady: Kelly is rad. But she should not try to sing. I think she’s a gifted actress.
Pink Lady: She reminds me of a punk Drew Barrymore.
kittydeathstar: Hmm?
HisCheapMoves: Yowza!
HisCheapMoves: Like ’80s LA punk? Or just generic punk?
kittydeathstar: CHIPS punk?
Pink Lady: Um, like Melrose Punk. And considering the fact the Jack Osbourne is SO painfully ugly, Kelly is just so cute!
kittydeathstar: Now, when you say actress……
Pink Lady: Who is kittydeathstar?
kittydeathstar: a dork.
Pink Lady: What is his Mission?
HisCheapMoves: Our guest has turned the tables on us!
[[Sloan]] Pink Lady: How did Sloan get pop up ads on AOL?
kittydeathstar: Sloan are still together?
Pink Lady: I got carried away with all this excitement.
kittydeathstar: On a major?
Pink Lady: It would seem so, yes. Apparently you can win a FREE GUITAR (An Autographed one no less) by doing…something… Sloan rock.
kittydeathstar: Hmm….
HisCheapMoves: Thumbs up on Sloan.
kittydeathstar: Blech.
Pink Lady: Have you seen them live? They are really quite spectacular.
kittydeathstar: A friend of mine in Canada says the exact same thing, in fact….
HisCheapMoves: I haven’t seen them live. I liked a live album they had, it sounded like Cheap Trick’s Budokkan.
Pink Lady: Here kitty kitty kitty. Come to Sloan.
kittydeathstar: Meow? She even sent the pictures.
Pink Lady: Good Kitty.
kittydeathstar: NO – it’s a trap!
HisCheapMoves: I’ll tell you something – http://www.sloan.ca is not about the band.
Pink Lady: Is it a fashion site?
HisCheapMoves: Umm…. yessss. If you go for that sort of look.
kittydeathstar: Check out the guy on the left! Rik Mayall as a crystal meth freak!
HisCheapMoves: “Them’s an eatin’ baby!”
Pink Lady: Are we still talking about Sloan?
HisCheapMoves: No, the people at sloan.ca
kittydeathstar: How long has Sloan been together?
Pink Lady: One hundred million billion years. But they are also very cute guys. I’d do it.
kittydeathstar: Do what?
Pink Lady: IT. Do “it.”
HisCheapMoves: With Sloan?
kittydeathstar: Bring the details! We need CLICKS! Gotta beat out Shelflife
Pink Lady: Well, yeah, with at least three of them.
HisCheapMoves: How many in the band? 5?
Pink Lady: Four. Not all at once of course.
kittydeathstar: Google image search – don’t fail me now…..
HisCheapMoves: Watch out you don’t get our sloan.ca friends….
Pink Lady: Fetus don’t fail me now.
kittydeathstar: Hiyooooooo
Pink Lady: How genius is John Stewart anyway? He’s like, a Renaissance genius.
kittydeathstar: And the grey/gray hair suits him so well…
Pink Lady: A genius for all seasons.
kittydeathstar: Yes!
Pink Lady: I like Lewis Black.
HisCheapMoves: “Have you ever looked at the stars…. ON WEED?”
kittydeathstar: Is this gonna lead to a bit?
HisCheapMoves: That’s his line from Half-Baked … He plays this manic stoner.
kittydeathstar: I always miss his part because Jim Brewer (sp?) forces me to change the channel.
[[Nikki Sixx]] kittydeathstar: So, Pink Lady – I hear you are a Nikki Sixx fan….
Pink Lady: Yes, just call me Mrs. Nikki Sixx.
kittydeathstar: Awesome!
HisCheapMoves: The guys in Sloan are heartbroken. At least 3 of them.
Pink Lady: He thrills me.
kittydeathstar: When did this fixation start?
Pink Lady: When I was an egg.
kittydeathstar: YES!
Pink Lady: No, seriously, about the time of Shout at the Devil.
kittydeathstar: And did it keep going strong even during Generation Swine? Though I do like that record, apparently the band doesn’t.
Pink Lady: Seeing Nikki all dressed up in Kabuki make-up like Siouxise Sioux really got me going. I think I took a break for Generation Swine.
kittydeathstar: Awesome line!
Pink Lady: I recently in terviewed Tommy Lee. He was sweet. At the end of the interview, he gave me his “private” email address. HE TYPES ALL IN CAPS!!!!!!!!
kittydeathstar: Did you see Tommy Lee on Leno?
Pink Lady: I missed that one. Nikki Sixx is my idea of the best-looking guy on the planet. Though I am sure if he were my boyfriend it would be a different story.
kittydeathstar: Now I read that Kid Rock and not Tommy Lee gave Pamela Anderson hepatitis. Can anyone second this?
Pink Lady: I can’t comment on that.
kittydeathstar: YOWZA! Intrigue! Don’t leave Unbalanced Breakfast hanging!
Pink Lady: After talking to Tommy, I am on his side in the whole Pamela debacle.
kittydeathstar: I feel vindicated.
HisCheapMoves: Pam Anderson is such a no-talent.
kittydeathstar: MORE!
HisCheapMoves: Some people ran into her over here in Melbourne, when she was dating that surfer… Kelly Slater?
kittydeathstar: Kelly Slater, honestly?
HisCheapMoves: Some surfer from Cocoa Beach, which is up the road.
Pink Lady: I was watching TV last night…can’t recall what exactly…but some actor or comedian was talking about how Pamela Anderson often shops where he shops. And he said that when she is in the store all of the babies go insane, because of her huge rack job.
kittydeathstar: I love it!
HisCheapMoves: That’s the comment I heard the most from those who met her – that she looked like an inept balloon animal.
Pink Lady: You know, she banged Vince Neil before Tommy.
kittydeathstar: She was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno a couple of weeks after Sept. 11 – and she told this weak-ass story about how whenever her kids saw the flags and stars and stripes… they thought the people were honoring Kid Rock… because he used flags as backgrounds extensively. The bit bombed. Leno fawned like there was no tomorrow.
Pink Lady: oh no, oh no….
HisCheapMoves: What a kissass.
kittydeathstar: He’s fucking horrible. And not JUST because of that.
Pink Lady: I watch Letterman myself.
[[Bill Hicks]] kittydeathstar: Bill Hicks had that awesome routine about guessing the star guest on the episode when Jay will finally realize that he’s a corporate whore and put an Uzi in his own mouth…
Pink Lady: Bill Hicks, he’s a genius!
kittydeathstar: And the blood will form the outline of an NBC peacock…
HisCheapMoves: Damn! Hail Hicks.
kittydeathstar: So fucking incredible! His shit doesn’t date at all……
Pink Lady: I’m not worthy!!
kittydeathstar: They had a tribute night to him at this club when I was over in London, and it sold out! I couldn’t get in!
Pink Lady: His routine about “The Miracle of Birth “ is my favorite.
HisCheapMoves: “Hairy bobbin’ man ass…”
kittydeathstar: Hotel porn!
HisCheapMoves: That nearly drove me off the road.
Pink Lady: It’s kind of “anti-breeder.” I don’t want to offend you guys with kids or anything…
kittydeathstar: no, no keep it coming!
HisCheapMoves: Not at all…
Pink Lady: He said (I’m paraphrasing) that calling getting knocked up and having a kid is about as much of a miracle as eating food and having a poop come out of your butt.
kittydeathstar: Ka-ching!
Pink Lady: Thank you! Hicks is just a genius.
HisCheapMoves: Did anyone hear about that art exhibit that ate other art?
Pink Lady: No.
HisCheapMoves: I think Deppner was telling me about this.
kittydeathstar: Do tell……
Pink Lady: Does this have anything to do with bullwhips up asses?
kittydeathstar: I should hope so.
HisCheapMoves: It’s a work of art that is a digestive system. And you put art in one end (I assume paintings and such) and they get “digested” by acids or something. And pooped out the other end.
Pink Lady: Because, I just want to say that in this climate of art censorship, even Rembrandt would have a hard time exhibiting a picture of a bullwhip handle up his ass.
kittydeathstar: Oh my god! Now Rembrandt would make judicious use of light and shadow as the bullwhip entered the…….
HisCheapMoves: Notice the perspective on the braiding.
Pink Lady: I may have to excuse myself boys. The bed, she is calling me…
kittydeathstar: Great having Pink Lady!
HisCheapMoves: Heed the bed!
kittydeathstar: Audience, give it up!
HisCheapMoves: Good night!
Pink Lady: Thank you kittydeathstar it has been my pleasure
kittydeathstar: Ain’t she great!
Pink Lady: Good night Your Cheapness
kittydeathstar: Please come back!
Pink Lady: (Pink Lady has left the breakfast table)
kittydeathstar: More bacon for us! Wait, aren’t we going to sing our goodbye song?
HisCheapMoves: Of course! “Headache for Sisyphus” by the “Ass Baboons of Venus”…
