Hasselhoff The Wagon
by Unbalanced Breakfast
|Episode 3: Hasselhoff the Wagon
July 11, 2002
HisCheapMoves, kittydeathstar, Pink Lady
|Driven by the success of the first two episodes, HisCheapMoves and kittydeathstar plunged headlong into Unbalanced Breakfast, orchestrating media stunts and parties filled with glitteratti. Meanwhile, raw text from the third episode sat on the server, paitently awaiting editing attention. After a month had passed and the subject matter was so, like, last month, our chief protagonists buckled down and released this episode — somewhat dated but as bitter and cold as last night’s coffee.|
|Dr. Julius C. Lacking
Official Historian, Ink 19
HisCheapMoves: Testing… Time for the show…
kittydeathstar: Boop Boop be doop
HisCheapMoves: Theme song: “5 Times Out of a 100” by “Hot Hot Heat”
kittydeathstar: I’m dancing already!
HisCheapMoves: So what’s been new in your corner, Kitty?
kittydeathstar: Shite aplenty… but it’s all the same zzzzzz. And you, strapping young lad?
HisCheapMoves: Yes, zzzzz is the operative word. I did get to meet the New President of my ivory tower today.
kittydeathstar: An engaging fellow?
HisCheapMoves: I suppose. It was no more than a handshake. But my hand tingled with greatness.
kittydeathstar: Limp or firm? Try to crush your fingers?
HisCheapMoves: No, he had a real pro handshake.
kittydeathstar: Ah the ambiguous shake!
HisCheapMoves: I hear the handshake got a separate contract — the University is constantly looking for corporate contributions.
kittydeathstar: Ba da boom!
HisCheapMoves: And this guy tripled the size of his previous school… ah, the joys of private higher education!
kittydeathstar: Hmmm…. I do wonder how that’s done *eyes roll*
HisCheapMoves: Speaking of rolling, how about that David Hasselhoff?
kittydeathstar: Oh mannn…..
HisCheapMoves: You know, it’s unfair to us vicious pundits.
kittydeathstar: By coincidence (I’m sure), E! has been showing that True Baywatch story nonstop… Like ducks in a thimble. I should stop, he’s like syndie television’s Ian Curtis. Or Kurt Cobain. Or even…….. Sid VICIOUS.
HisCheapMoves: Or even this, the top link that came up for “David Hasselhoff” just now: www.esquilax.com/baywatch/index.shtml
|That’s so last month!|
|The story, in case you missed it the first time, is that hotel staffers reportedly found David Hasselhoff unconscious in his room next to an empty minibar.|
kittydeathstar: You punkdits better be careful out there, or when the Big D gets out of rehab he’s gonna don his “Evil Twin” mustache and go all Punisher on your asses……
HisCheapMoves: I can just picture him with a cheap alarm clock strapped to the dash of his black pre-owned Firebird…
kittydeathstar: Ha ha ha…. trying to banter with his Viper alarm system….
HisCheapMoves: Berating the Sears sales help: “No, no, I want the talking kind….!”
kittydeathstar: Trying to drive into the back of random semi trucks….
HisCheapMoves: I don’t know what’s sadder…
kittydeathstar: Imagining his lil’ chicken legs sticking out from behind the wet bar… when the bellhops found him?
HisCheapMoves: Ensconced in little bottles and water crackers. “Mr. Hasselhoff, my daughter is a big fan and … OH MY GOD!”
kittydeathstar: Oh it hurts… hurts so good.
HisCheapMoves: www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,10212,00.html is the scoop.
kittydeathstar: Maybe they ran in slow motion to rescue him? Pecs bouncing?
HisCheapMoves: I can just see it — “Kit, we need mixers.” Or “You shee offisher… mebby I’m drunk… but I’m not driving! [giggle snort]”
kittydeathstar: Tell ’em Kit! “Viper engaged.”
HisCheapMoves: “Let’s find that evil K-Band, Kit!” I believe Pink Lady has a Hasselhoff story for us…
kittydeathstar: Ah yes…. Sashay on in!
HisCheapMoves: Welcome back!
Pink Lady: It’s great to be back, boys!
Pink Lady: what’s for breakfast?
HisCheapMoves: Hasselhoff the Wagon
Pink Lady: Oh my…. Poor David, Poor Knight Rider.
HisCheapMoves: Poor bellhops!
Pink Lady: I actually have a story about him. Shall I share it with our audience?
HisCheapMoves: Of course!
Pink Lady: My friend Sue went to France once on a business trip. This was maybe 15 years ago. One of her coworkers was fluent in French, which Sue said was very helpful. Well, it seems that David Hasselhoff was staying in the same hotel as them. Now, you gotta remember that he’s a big rock star over there — or at least he was back in the 80’s. But they worship Jerry Lewis as a God over there too, so, whatever.
Pink Lady: Anyway, one day Sue and her friend, Mindy the French speaker, are in the hotel, and they see Hasselhoff being swarmed by fans.
HisCheapMoves: This was AT LEAST 15 years ago then.
Pink Lady: Somehow they end up all waiting for the elevator while standing near this swarm, and Hasselhoff doesn’t speak any French, so he asks Mindy if she can translate for him to one of his fans. (Maybe he heard her speak French, I don’t know). So, Mindy did some easy translations for him, “Oh thanks so much for being a fan of my music…” that kind of thing. But she told Sue later that, since Hasselhoff really had no idea what she was telling these women, she felt like saying “He says your Mother’s a pig.”
HisCheapMoves: That would have been the proper thing to do.
Pink Lady: I love that story.
Pink Lady: At least he still has his hair.
HisCheapMoves: On a stand, by the nighttable.
Pink Lady: I wonder if he ever banged Pam Anderson while they were doing Baywatch….
HisCheapMoves: I think she made a great lifeguard, with her built-in floaters.
Pink Lady: HA! She’s such a “Natural” beauty.
HisCheapMoves: Didn’t Hassy get blown up in Baywatch or something?
kittydeathstar: That’s the word on the street.
Pink Lady: I really never watched that show.
kittydeathstar: Seems a bit subtle for him. I wonder if they had a scene where Valkyries escorted him up to Valhalla. As the grand finale.
Pink Lady: A burial at sea would have been fitting.
HisCheapMoves: A burial in sand.
kittydeathstar: Speaking of Eighties phenoms, I believe you have more in that theme PL …
Pink Lady: I do. It goes back a week or so… at a Butch Walker show here in the city that never sleeps. You rememebr him of course as the singer for the late great Marvelous 3. He’s a bit young to be an 80’s icon, but he does worship the 80’s metal.
Pink Lady: Anyhoo, I was sort of surprised at how out of control the crowd was. I mean, guys were pushing me out of the way to get to him. It was like being surrounded by rabid wolverines.
kittydeathstar: Sounds like a Morrissey vibe! Yow!
HisCheapMoves: Except those are rabid vegan wolverines.
Pink Lady: But the show was awesome, and after the gig, I hung out by his bus like a slathering groupie, and he signed a promo glossy for me! “To Pink Lady… You Fucking Rock Me! (I made him write that) Hearts, Butch Walker” Dreamy…
Pink Lady: But wait…there’s more!
kittydeathstar: I don’t know if the people can handle it!
Pink Lady: After I got my Butch On, I noticed this dark-haired dude in the crowd who looked sort of familiar… I searched my memory bank and realised it was Bruno Ravel from 80s metal band, Danger Danger, and right behind him was my pal Steve West, the drummer from that same band!!
kittydeathstar: Great band at that!
Pink Lady: We met last year backstage at a Poison concert. So I got to hang a bit with Steve which is always fun because, he’s actually a fan of my work. And then the 80’s action, it just continued after I got home.
kittydeathstar: I thought musicians hated rock critics?
Pink Lady: 80’s bands love the Pink Lady! Oh, you’ll like this: the drummer for Warrant called me at 12:15 AM and woke me from sleep, so I took the phone into the bed with me and mumbled incoherently at him. Because, like, I was sleeping.
kittydeathstar: But rock stars don’t sleep!
Pink Lady: He was returning a call I had made to him earlier. I guess he thinks I stay up all night (Up all night/sleep all day)
Pink Lady: (everybody now!)
kittydeathstar: You beat me!
Pink Lady: I asked him if he was “on the bus” and he said he was in a strip bar in “the middle of nowhere, Wyoming”
kittydeathstar: Smell the ratings! Did you hear the lapdance ambience?
Pink Lady: I did actually….I said to him “Maybe we should have this conversation another time…” He’s a sweet guy actually. His nickname is The Sack”…
kittydeathstar: The Sack?? Salacious…..
Pink Lady: it has to do with him being able to hide a can of soda with a certain part of his anatomy.
kittydeathstar: FUCKING WHAT??????
Pink Lady: I have never seen it, but I have heard stories.
kittydeathstar: But I…..
Pink Lady: I have more 80’s band stories….
kittydeathstar: *retreats into corner weeping softly* Keep ’em coming!
Pink Lady: A week after the Butch Walker experience, I went back to the same club to see a couple of LA bands that friends of mine are in…. Faster Pussycat and Pretty Boy Floyd.
kittydeathstar: Glam overlords!
Pink Lady: I’ve known Taime Downe for years, and Dish, the drummer from PBF, is a pal. So, I had to go. It was pretty hilarious; Dish and I hung out with the freaks from his band and that was really weird. It’s amazing what rock guys will say to you when they just look at you as being like “one of the guys” …
kittydeathstar: Examples! NOW!
Pink Lady: It’s insane, I’m sitting there with three guys wearing more make up than I even own, and two “fans” who looked like they must be in the “adult film busness” if you get my drift.
HisCheapMoves: That reminds me… but finish your story.
Pink Lady: I was almost insulted that no one asked me for a blow job (just kidding).
kittydeathstar: Oh snap!!
Pink Lady: Anyway, Faster Pussycat ended up being really really good, even if Taime — who looks like a nazi vampire — was being all Rock Star and went right from the bus to the stage, and back again. OK, I’m done with my 80’s stories.
kittydeathstar: I’m winded…..
Pink Lady: Rock Rock ‘Til You drop… So, tell your story Cheap Moves Man
HisCheapMoves: Since you brought up, er, “adult films”, here’s something interesting: www.vnunet.com/News/1133313
kittydeathstar: My hometown!
“Osceola Sherrif”HisCheapMoves: Apparently, for a brief while, visitors to www.osceolasheriff.org (run by the Kissimmee, FL sheriff’s department) were greeted with Free Porn!
kittydeathstar: I’m so goddamn proud right now…..
HisCheapMoves: Another case of domain hijacking…
Pink Lady: Free porn! Ain’t that America.
kittydeathstar: Fuck filters, this sheriff is shooting from the hip!
HisCheapMoves: Not just Free Porn, but Free Porn for Law Abiding Citizens who Take an Interest in Their Community.
Pink Lady: It’s the best kind of Porn there is.
HisCheapMoves: Sheriff Charlie Aycock — think the name had anything to do with it?
Pink Lady: Ya think? Who else besides me thinks Dick Army ought to think about being called “Richard”?
kittydeathstar: Time for lockdown … *cue wah pedal*
HisCheapMoves: At least it’s not Dick Handy.
kittydeathstar: That’s the sheriff’s deputy. He’s only allowed to carry one…. oh nevermind….
Pink Lady: Dick Army sounds like a punk rock band signed to Alternative Tentacles.
kittydeathstar: Woah… I’m on deadline! Gotta dash! Momus waits for no man, though he does tarry a bit for the young ladies!
Pink Lady: Run Kitty Run.
kittydeathstar: Fucking breakfast…. best meal of the day my ass…..
HisCheapMoves: Well, Pinks, thank you for your Hassy story and the acid-free flashbacks…
Pink Lady: It’s been a pleasure. Thank you for having me.
HisCheapMoves: A pleasure as always!
Pink Lady: Thank you, Goodnight!