The Gay Vampire Gimmick

The Gay Vampire Gimmick

Episode 1: The Gay Vampire Gimmick
June 23, 2002
HisCheapMoves, kittydeathstar, edfurniture

HisCheapMoves: Rolling….

kittydeathstar: Indeed we are!

HisCheapMoves: Tonight’s opening theme:
“Mystery Girl” by the “Yeah Yeah Yeahs”

kittydeathstar: Hype! Hype! Hype! As seen
in Rolling Stone, ladies and gents….

HisCheapMoves: Really? Well, the hype
is deserved.

kittydeathstar: Multimillion dollar deal
already! Crash and burn sure to follow!

HisCheapMoves: I actually had a copy of
Rolling Stone mistakenly delivered to my home.

kittydeathstar: Eminem lookin’ all dreamy
on the cover: …you could get lost in those eyes.

HisCheapMoves: Haven’t read it, but it
seemed awful thin. Not the Playboy-girthed RS of yore.

kittydeathstar: Speaking of thin, Jann
Wenner’s creepy celebrity markouts will never wear thin! I love it when they
ask teen movie starlets about sex! And boys!

Tom Cruise

HisCheapMoves: Speaking of sequiturs,
we have a guest tonight with a Tom Cruise sighting.

kittydeathstar: And the interviewer starts
panting into the tape recorder! What? Surely you jest?

HisCheapMoves: Just in time for the release
of Spielberg’s Minority Report. Do you think Spielberg knows Dick?

edfurniture: Who’s Dick?

kittydeathstar: Andy Dick?

edfurniture: That’s the guy who made The
, right?

HisCheapMoves: Phillip K Dick + Andy Dick,
together at last.

kittydeathstar: Long time comin’

HisCheapMoves: So tell us about your Tom
Cruise sighting.

edfurniture: Would you like the version
of the story with the fat red-headed guy in it?

kittydeathstar: Oh yeah…..

HisCheapMoves: Is he Scottische?

edfurniture: Let’s just leave him out
of it.

HisCheapMoves: Tease

kittydeathstar: Hmmmph… see if you’re
ever invited back

edfurniture: As I was about to tell you,
I was heading over to my favorite restaurant, Mi Pueblo, in Sarasota.

HisCheapMoves: That means “My Lower Intestines”
in Spanish.

edfurniture: It’s a small mayheeko resorantay.
So I walk up to the place, and Tom Cruise is standing outside, waiting for a
table. With a beard.

HisCheapMoves: It’s hard to get a bearded
table these days.

edfurniture: Not if you know where to look.
And he didn’t. He ended up waiting a long time — I actually got seated before
him. Which shows you just how much pull I have in this town.

kittydeathstar: I’m sure he had a copy
of Dianetics to pass the time…

edfurniture: No, he was just standing
around talking with three other people. No one else “recognized” him.


HisCheapMoves: He was waiting for a table
to “clear.”

edfurniture: So me and the guy who I’m
not gonna mention got seated next to a window, and Cruise was just on the other
side of it. Which meant that if I pulled the curtain back slightly, I could
grin and stare at the back of his Tom Cruise Haircut.

HisCheapMoves: ™

edfurniture: I was giddy. I stared for
a long time, and eventually he was seated. It seemed his face was plastic.

HisCheapMoves: Like in that Dicky movie…
Vanilla Sky.

edfurniture: It was as if his real face
was under the Tom Cruise face, which was underneath the beard he had grown.
How Pomo is that? He kept doing this thing that looked like he was stretching
his face. Some would call it Yawning if they didn’t know better.

HisCheapMoves: Did you see what he got
for dinner? “La Grande Chimichanga Cucaracha,” with the chicken instead of the

He ate his food, and the people that were with him pretty much ignored him.
He was dressed in your basic Tom Cruise going out to dinner with the regular
folks outfit. Dress shirt, slacks, kinda churchy. Tom Cruise does own a house
in Sarasota, supposedly.

HisCheapMoves: Kitty, how credible is
this story?

Parade Magazine

kittydeathstar: Appeals to the Parade
magazine reader in me…. how was the hair?

edfurniture: You can’t mistake it. It
was plain old Tom Cruise hair.

HisCheapMoves: ™

edfurniture: I had my doubts, until I
realized no one else could possibly have both the Face ™ and Hair ™. One
other thing that stood out was the enormous gold jewelry he was wearing.

kittydeathstar: Bling bling?

edfurniture: Serious bling bling. A big
fat ring and a bracelet. Probably enchanted with weird Hubbard mojo.

kittydeathstar: No gaudy diamond-encrusted

HisCheapMoves: Was Penny Cruz with him?

edfurniture: No, he was with a shorter
woman, who was kinda chubby and definitely not Penelope Cruz. He seemed like
a nice guy. He’d hold doors, etc.

HisCheapMoves: Definitely Parade
material. He could take some lessons from Russ Crowe.

kittydeathstar: Did he do that laugh-and-clap

edfurniture: Definitely not. Like I said,
there was that weird plasticity to his face. He wasn’t acting like Tom Cruise.

HisCheapMoves: That’s METHOD not acting
like Tom Cruise.

edfurniture: I got up and went to the
bathroom a couple times, and passed by his table, to get different angles. And
each time, I’d look really close…and I’d think, “OK, let’s see if this is
him. If it is, I am sure he is used to this, if he isn’t, I am just a weirdo
staring at some guy.”

HisCheapMoves: Indeed.

edfurniture: And it scared the dickens
out of me each time. Because it was an exact match.

kittydeathstar: I like the way you think!

edfurniture: “Holy shit! That’s Tom Cruise!”

HisCheapMoves: I have heard he’s short.
Let’s consult the { (“tom cruise is really short”, “Google Oracle”)}.

edfurniture: I heard that too, but I also
heard that it’s fun to be a graphic designer.

kittydeathstar: Someone’s jivin’ you

HisCheapMoves: He’s 5’7″ —
Is that short?

edfurniture: That’s not too short.

kittydeathstar: For a wrestler, it’s pretty

HisCheapMoves: Shorter than his real name:
Thomas Maphother IV. So if Tom Cruise were a wrestler, what would be his shtick?

edfurniture: That’s a tough one.

kittydeathstar: There’s an unclaimed gay
vampire gimmick on the market….

HisCheapMoves: He already did that in
Interview with the Vampire

kittydeathstar: Everything old is new
again. Let’s roll!

edfurniture: Right now, my woman and I
are frantically typing resumes.

kittydeathstar: Do you put in an “Awards/Honors”
section? Or is that too show-off-ish these days?

HisCheapMoves: Only if you list posthumous

edfurniture: You know, I haven’t really
done a resume in a couple years… It’s funny to go back and read your old resumes.
“They should have never hired me.”

kittydeathstar: Golden memories…. Why
I remember…. getting my head stuck in the railing at the Home Depot, and crying
my eyes out.

edfurniture: I think I will work in music.

HisCheapMoves: “Work” in “music”, that’s
good. Any parting words from our guest?

edfurniture: Music would be good.

kittydeathstar: So true….

edfurniture: Screw this graphic design

kittydeathstar: Bye bye.

edfurniture: Bye.

HisCheapMoves: That was interesting.

kittydeathstar: Indeedy

HisCheapMoves: Here’s an interesting link
with a good detour: color=”#FF0000″>
… I’m about to rant on Clear Channel, but first, feast your eyes
on that vehicle that seems to be sponsoring this Salon page, or just go to
to witness the Porsche SUV: "Cayenne"

kittydeathstar: Mmmm… making me hungry…

Porsche Cayenne

HisCheapMoves: How about this spicy enchilada?
Reminds me of the classic pickup line, “Wanna see my keys that say Porsche on

kittydeathstar: My manhood cries like
a girl in the face of this magnificent beast.

HisCheapMoves: Take it stump jumping!
Can you get it with a gun rack?

kittydeathstar: Swimming pools do cause
shrinkage! So do porsches *sniffle*

HisCheapMoves: I can just see the ad campaign
— “Want to be Hot Shit?”

kittydeathstar: Cha-ching!

HisCheapMoves: “Faster than gastric reflux!”

kittydeathstar: The name just lacks that
essential heroic quality……

HisCheapMoves: Coming soon, the Volkswagen

kittydeathstar: I don’t want my bad-ass
car to have the same name as something in my grandmother’s old-timey spice rack.
Or the Cajun Chef’s catchphrase….. Remember when he used to pimp potato chips?

HisCheapMoves: Hooooooweeee!

kittydeathstar: See there? Does THAT memory
scream “status symbol?” Kitsch is NOT a babe magnet! I mean you might pick up
John Waters….

HisCheapMoves: But then again, you might
pick up John Waters.

kittydeathstar: Touche!

HisCheapMoves: So what kind of sicko would
write a song called “I Wanna Poop In Diane Sawyer’s Mailbox”?

kittydeathstar: I’ll bite… I don’t know
HCM, what kind of sicko?

is what kind. And I’ll bet he never gets played on Clear Channel.

kittydeathstar: If it’s good enough for
Dr.Demento….. Clear Channel? Do I sense a rant?

HisCheapMoves: Salon seems to have a bone
to pick with them. As does, who have a more
comprehensive list of beefs but who may come off a bit… slanted. But Clear
Channel’s stranglehold on radio and large concerts is undisputed.

kittydeathstar: My favorite part is how
they program for a local market hundreds of miles away… up to and including
having the DJs act like they’re doing remotes from particular local watering
holes…… Harry Shearer riffed on this at length on his “Le Show” –
Interviewing bands from Dino’s Wing House live, mere hours before the show!
But really it’s a canned interview from weeks ago from company headquarters.

HisCheapMoves: Corporate local shill bands.

kittydeathstar: Shame on everybody involved
in that little transaction. Fuck’em.

HisCheapMoves: I can just see the want
ads — “Needed: Lackluster musicians. Must have own equipment and mullet. Appreciation
for Jim Breuer a MUST!”

kittydeathstar: Yeah yeah baby! Must like
hot wings! Served in a studio.

HisCheapMoves: Boilerplate scripts —
“We’re having a great time here at [venue] and want everyone who wants to PARTY!
to come on down, we’re having a great time. Here at [venue]. Is that right?
[crowd noise].”

kittydeathstar: THAT’S IT. Exactly! What’s
your favorite nugget of shi… er info from the salon pieces?

HisCheapMoves: The whole structure of
modern payola. To summarize for our readers at home: There are three parties
involved — radio stations, independent promoters and record labels. The independent
promoters purchase the rights to the playlists from the radio stations. We’re
talking $100,000 – $400,000 a year for the radio station, paid by the indie.

kittydeathstar: Love the use of that term
– “indie”

HisCheapMoves: The indies then turn around
and bill the labels for records that the contracted radio station “adds” to
its playlist, at $400-$3,000 a pop. So the labels are screaming, “this system
is bleeding us dry!”

kittydeathstar: What a bargain for the
privilege of No Doubt!

HisCheapMoves: And Clear Channel’s reply
is “Then stop doing it!” (But it nets them something like $10 million a year)
And now Congress is getting involved, so we know everything will be fixed, soon.

kittydeathstar: Just like they did with
the FCC and the Telecommunications Act in the first place. Ahhh… pass me my
teddy bear…

HisCheapMoves: Anyway, the image that
comes to mind is a brontosaurus thrashing around in a tar pit.

kittydeathstar: I’ll sleep peacefully
to the sounds of modern rock tonight….

HisCheapMoves: Twenty years from now,
the music industry will seem as inexplicable as the dot-com bubble.

kittydeathstar: Add to the mix, of course,
Rolling Stone Magazine’s annoyingly braying articles about the troubled state
of cd sales and major concert tour profits… ya know, who the fuck cares? Oh
no, poor fucking Dumbshit Bubble Punk Band A’s 40 bucks a pop tickets aren’t

HisCheapMoves: Prepare Dumbshit Bubble
Punk Band B! Rolling out the dumbshit rock like androids from some Bond baddie
conveyor belt.

kittydeathstar: Oh sniffle… we sunk
so much money into ad promo for our “artist” and now you dumb fans are fucking
it up by not buying the record… We hate you, fans!

HisCheapMoves: Pay up, artist! Help us,

“Like” kittydeathstar: Speaking of we hate the
fans… HisCheap… I gotta slip this in real quick… You’ll like it, I promise…..

kittydeathstar: Saw on the cable news
tonight that Britney Spears got booed at the opening of her New York restaurant
by the press last night… for keeping them waiting for three hours and then
brushing by without even a word or pause for photos.. in the rain….

HisCheapMoves: What’s her place called?
"Like, Food"

kittydeathstar: And her “partner” in the
venture made the totally awesome claim that while Britney has not YET tasted
any of the food yet, well, her manager has and so it’s just like “she tasted
the food by osmosis!” Fuck yeah! I couldn’t MAKE THIS SHIT UP!


HisCheapMoves: “But first we had to explain
to her what osmosis was.”

kittydeathstar: Southern Food with a New
York twist, I hear tell….. Hey, with the runaway success of this venture she’ll
have no problem ponying up her share of the payola…. or do I give it two weeks
before shutdown?

HisCheapMoves: I’d rather eat at “G.G.
Allin’s House of Chowder”

kittydeathstar: Waiter, in my chowder
there’s a… oh ambience? Nevermind…..

G.G. Allin

HisCheapMoves: Floorshow, every night.

kittydeathstar: What? Is Brother Merle
gonna try to flog me shitty bootlegs?

HisCheapMoves: I heard GG never tasted
the food, but his manager has, so it’s just like “he crapped on it by proxy!”

kittydeathstar: Allin undies? Where my
dogs at? Where they at? Oh Merle, oh Britney….. I suppose some people do want
their rock idols to be franchises….

HisCheapMoves: The Japanese are way ahead
with their virtual starlets…

kittydeathstar: Do tell…..

HisCheapMoves: You haven’t heard of this?
Computer generated pop stars?

kittydeathstar: Keep going… Do they
“do” payola? Virtual payola?

HisCheapMoves: Stock options!

kittydeathstar: Rimshot Supreme!


kittydeathstar: Wait a… Well gee, sorry
HCM, but my fucking ham radio crapped out on me there… I had to repair some
wires with bubble gum

HisCheapMoves: Goodness. When’s the next
supply plane?

kittydeathstar: 50bps of PAIN!

HisCheapMoves: Dialup masochism.

kittydeathstar: But oh.. the perks…
slow loading….coconuts for speakers… c’mon don’t be jealous…

Phil Silvers

HisCheapMoves: Do you have one of those
models with the woodpecker inside? We’ll keep an eye on this Clear Channel “situation”
and leave our readers with a link —
— so while Kitty is waiting for Phil Silvers to land on the island and help
him find that pesky bird so he can get back online… — our closing song,
“Bang”, again by the “Yeah Yeah Yeahs”.

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