Christmas Music Rant
by James MacLaren
Ok, enough with the fucking christmyass music, ok?
The only people who like the stuff are hopeless mopes and greed-crazed
merchants, who INSIST upon subjecting everyone who enters their
establishment (pity the poor souls who have to show up and endure 40!
hours, or more, of this stuff weekly) to a nonstop bath of this stuff
in the faint hope that it will induce one of the stupider lemmings on
the shop floor to buy yet another worthless (or, perhaps very
expensive, but still worthless when you really think about it) trinket
to assuage their year’s worth of accumulated guilt over not paying
sufficient attention to some schmuck or other who never deserved the
first minute’s attention in the first place.
It doesn’t come any shallower than christmyass music.
Phony, prepackaged emotions, for the emotionally dysfunctional.
Holiday cheer? Fuck you. What’s wrong with a little cheer for the other
364 days of the year? Are you such a COMPLETE asshole that you actually
NEED some kind of aural jumpstart to cause you to be CHEERFUL? If so,
you really need to a.) kill yourself right this minute, or b.) go out
there somewhere and try to find yourself some kind of a life.
I prefer to be loads of fun most all the time, thank you. Except for
when some idiot with a bogus smile welded to their face INSISTS that I
“join in” in all the “fun.”
This fucking shit is no damn fun, and anybody with more than two
functioning neurons to rub together can attest to that fact. I shall
not be obligated to your Cultural Imperialism, and neither shall I
dress out for this little P.E. class, coach.
And fuck your goddamned idiotic music while we’re at it here.
If you MUST get involved with this fake shit, at least try to show an
atom or three of honest creativity, ok?
I know what let’s do, let’s see if any of you fucks can come up with some
christmyass music on your own. But, in order to keep things on the up
and up, and to keep you from just grabbing whatever audio clip-art
pieces you want, and pasting them together, let’s see if we can do it
without all the prepackaged bullshit.
Go ahead and make your fucking little harmony without the following
CHRISTMAS (Don’t go giving me any shit over this deletion, ok? Stop and
think for a minute about the zillion different ways that rock and
rollers have come up with to say “let’s fuck” without ever actually
using the words themselves. Surely, if your christmyass is such a
culturally fundamental deal, then you won’t have the least trouble
making your happy little song without it).
JINGLE (Nor any variation thereof).
JESUS (I really don’t care WHOSE fucking deal this supposedly is. I
could NOT care less for jesus, mohammed, allah, or any of the rest of
that demented crap. See above re: cultural imperialism).
SLEIGH (I live in Florida where that sort of medieval transportation
system is not required and furthermore my idea of a swell time does NOT
consist in looking at the ass end of some smelly horse from close
CHILDREN (Nor any variation thereof).
TOY (Not even sex toys).
MERRY (This is a word that NOBODY ever uses. That’s because it sounds
REALLY stupid. I say let’s scrap the motherfucker and be done with it).
SNOW (See above re: Florida. Snow is for people too stupid to move away
from unlivable conditions. And then the dumb fucks attempt to convince
the rest of us how wonderful the stuff is. Yeah. Right. Sure thing,
Alright. That’s enough. Now go and make your little song. And when
you’re done you can play the damned thing as much as you want.
As long as I’m not around.