19 Reasons Why 2002 Really Sucked

James Mann

Sure, you silver lining folks will probably disagree, but to many, 2002 really bit. From the aftermath of 9/11 to the death of rock icons left and right, this has been a rather depressing 12 months. So, here’s my take on it all.

“enron”

19: Enron, WorldCom, K-Mart et al

If you were an employee or stockholder of these companies, Merry F’n Christmas. Your bosses have looted the kitty, your retirement is now a private jet or expensive painting on some scumbuckets wall.

18: South America

Well, Argentina’s economy is in the tank, civil unrest in Venezuela – who cares, right? Well, the U.S. gets a tremendous amount of oil from down there. And there is volatility in the area. Governments changing hands, inflation and bank freezes. Look for “peacekeepers” in the area next year. Just a hunch.

17: Catholic Church

Old men. Young children. A church leadership who attempts to hide the problem. Second amendment. You parents put it together, and clean up this situation, why dontcha?

“entwistle”

16: John Entwistle and the gall of it all

One of the premier bassists in rock history dies, and Pete Townshend is on the phone for a replacement before the body gets cold. “Don’t want to disappoint the fans.” What crap. The Who have retired so often that it’s a joke, and should have packed it in after Keith Moon died. Ah, lure of the lucre. For shame, Pete.

15: The Masters Tournament and the wasting of our time

Gosh, the worst thing facing women seems to be the fact that there are no women members of the Augusta National Golf Club. Nice to know that all those problems of workplace inequity, domestic violence and burkas have been resolved, and we can focus our attention on getting women into a country club to drink scotch and smoke cigars. Embarrassing.

14: Paul McCartney and his rampaging ego

Not that anyone cares, but Sir Paul the banal swaps the songwriting credits on Beatles songs on a new release. Like John Lennon ever wanted his name on crap like “Yesterday” anyway.

“jay”

13: Waylon Jennings, Peggy Lee, Dee Dee Ramone, Chuck Jones, Dudley Moore, Stephen Jay Gould, Lionel Hampton, Ted Williams, John Frankenheimer, Rod Steiger, Alan Lomax, Richard Harris, Jam Master Jay, Lonnie Donegan, James Coburn, Mary Hansen, Joe Strummer

All dead. Michael Jackson, still alive and getting press. You can’t even laugh anymore.

12: Tri-State Crematory

Imagine getting a phone call that your dear departed wasn’t actually cremated, but rather, is stacked like cordwood in a shed? Ugh.

11: Steven Spielberg and Hollywood’s glorification of Cuba

Eh, he’s a dictator, you liberal yutz. Like Hitler, Stalin et al? Stay home and make movies, and stop showing your ignorant ass.

10: Campaign reform, or the rich get richer and the poor get screwed

Supposedly, our benevolent elected officials have passed laws to make the election process fairer. Do you believe them? Well, have you ever recommended anything at your job to ensure that you would make less money? Well, neither did Congress. And you can’t broadcast ads about this within 60 days of an election, either. Another call for a well-armed militia is in order.

“dubya”

9 to 2: Homeland Security

Too many items to list each one here. The question comes down to this: Has John Ashcroft, George W. Bush, the Patriot Act, John Poindexter etc, made you feel safer since 9/11? When is this going to stop? What is it going to take to keep you lemmings from marching off the edge of the cliff?

1: The War on Terror

Failed businessman and military deserter George W. Bush puts on his ten gallon hat and kicks a little ass around the world, making sure to not anger our allies (meaning, anyone who can fight back) while making the world safe for Texas oil companies. We need a coup. ◼