French Bash!

by Charles D.J. Deppner

Voulez-vous detester les Français?

Author’s note: If you really want to hate the French, read the following in a literal context. Otherwise please read on with denoted sarcasm.

I hate the fact American law descended from English law, where many terms are in both French and English, because it was the Norman conquerors, who established many codes of laws in England. I HATE THEM!

I hate the French because they helped America defeat the British. If it wasn’t for their awful Navy, Washington could not have defeated the British at Yorktown. I HATE THEM!

I hate the French because their country was inspired to overthrow their monarchy, by our overthrowing of our monarchy. Let’s get original!? I HATE THEM!

I hate the French for their reverence of Fraternity (Brotherhood), Equality and Liberty. Why don’t they get some real values? I HATE THEM!

I hate the French because of the Napoleonic Code, which is the standard for such mundane concepts as public education, public libraries and public hospitals. I HATE THEM!

I hate the French for their innate disdain of monarchies and plutocracies. Why can’t they worship people based on birthright? Sheesh! I HATE THEM!

I hate the French for their donation of the Statue of Liberty to the people of America. I hate the fact that it has become such a powerful symbol to Americans as well as people around the world. I HATE THEM!

I hate French Impressionism and the colorful joy it has brought to the world. Pissarro, Monet, Manet and Gaugin can all take their paintbrushes and stick’em up their French butts! I HATE THEM!

I hate Louis Pasteur and Madame Curie. Science-schmience. I HATE THEM!

I hate the fact that if the United States was geographically as close to the Nazi war machine at the outbreak of World War 2, we would have been defeated just as easily as the French. (That is if we actually had something worth coveting by Hitler.) Those Pussies! I HATE THEM!

I hate French philosophers: Moliere, Descartes, Voltaire, Satre and all their ilk. Who needs philosophy when you’ve got cable? I HATE THEM!

I hate French cuisine. When I want wine and cheese, pass me a can. Bread? Gimme some Wonder. Chocolate? Embalm me with preservatives. I HATE THEM!

I hate French literature. Victor Hugo? Alexander Dumas? You long-winded bastards! Learn to write in English why don’t ya? I HATE THEM!

I hate the fact that the French seem to have a greater reverence for American culture and history than the average American. I HATE THEM!

Finally, I hate Paris. I hate it in the summer when it sizzles. I hate it in the winter when it drizzles. I hate Paris every moment every day. I hate its beauty. I hate its public transportation. I hate its monuments. Its museums. Its cafes. I hate the fact it serves to inspire so many. If I return there ever again, it’ll be too soon.

Iceberg Out.