Adventures With David Hasselhoff

Adventures With David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff, playing his role of Michael Knight, wakes up at 5am to start another adventurous day.

David Hasselhoff: “Man alive, my balls be burning! Time to turn on the a/c!”

Hasselhoff House: “I love you, David.”

David: “Shut up, you stupid house!”

David: “Time for breakfast! What shall I have?”

Whipped Cream: “Put me on your cock and lick me off!”

Salsa: “I wish you’d put your hands on me, Mr. Hasselhoff.”

David: “No, I hate you both. I want…”

David: “Yes, sweet beer… It gets my motor running.”

Bottle of Beer: “I am way too big for you to drink.”

David: “Hush up, you!”

David: “Oof! I’m such a lightweight.”

Bottle of Beer: “I’ll say! You didn’t even drink any of me yet, you shitbag.”

David: “I’ll go in this coffee shop to sober up. I hope I have enough rolls of pennies to pay for what I want.”

Sign on Coffee Shop Window: “NO DAVID HASSELHOFFS ALLOWED!”

Coffee Shop Cat: “What can I get for you, David Hasselhoff?”

David: “A triple cappuccino and make it speedy!”

Coffee Shop Cat: “Yeah, go to hell, you washout.”

David: “Here’s a tip for your great service.”

Coffee Shop Cat: “I don’t take invisible money. Get out!”

David: “Let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Mona Westervelt, Esq.”

Mona: “Charmed, I’m sure.”

David: “Uh…I have to go lay down now. I had a very grueling day.”

Pillow: “You just woke up, you lazy bastard.”

Epilogue: David Hasselhoff ended up sleeping for ninety-seven hours, Mona left him for one of The Real Ghostbusters, and he forgot to tape a “Knight Rider” marathon.

Speaking of “Knight Rider”, the show is now being shown again on the Sci-Fi Channel. You can catch more of David on “Baywatch”, in the “Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.” movie and even one beloved episode of “Diff’rent Strokes.”

The Indiana band Johnny Socko has a song all about Dave, oddly-enough titled “Hasselhoff”, that you need to hear. Inspiration for this column comes from Wizard’s ToyFare Magazine and Matt over at

Join us next time when the David Hasselhoff action figure runs into M.C. Hammer and then tries to court a robot.

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