Adventures With David Hasselhoff

Adventures With David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff, playing his role of Michael Knight, wakes up at 5am to start another adventurous day.

David Hasselhoff: “Man alive, my balls be burning! Time to turn on the a/c!”

Hasselhoff House: “I love you, David.”

David: “Shut up, you stupid house!”

David: “Time for breakfast! What shall I have?”

Whipped Cream: “Put me on your cock and lick me off!”

Salsa: “I wish you’d put your hands on me, Mr. Hasselhoff.”

David: “No, I hate you both. I want…”

David: “Yes, sweet beer… It gets my motor running.”

Bottle of Beer: “I am way too big for you to drink.”

David: “Hush up, you!”

David: “Oof! I’m such a lightweight.”

Bottle of Beer: “I’ll say! You didn’t even drink any of me yet, you shitbag.”

David: “I’ll go in this coffee shop to sober up. I hope I have enough rolls of pennies to pay for what I want.”

Sign on Coffee Shop Window: “NO DAVID HASSELHOFFS ALLOWED!”

Coffee Shop Cat: “What can I get for you, David Hasselhoff?”

David: “A triple cappuccino and make it speedy!”

Coffee Shop Cat: “Yeah, go to hell, you washout.”

David: “Here’s a tip for your great service.”

Coffee Shop Cat: “I don’t take invisible money. Get out!”

David: “Let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Mona Westervelt, Esq.”

Mona: “Charmed, I’m sure.”

David: “Uh…I have to go lay down now. I had a very grueling day.”

Pillow: “You just woke up, you lazy bastard.”

Epilogue: David Hasselhoff ended up sleeping for ninety-seven hours, Mona left him for one of The Real Ghostbusters, and he forgot to tape a “Knight Rider” marathon.

Speaking of “Knight Rider”, the show is now being shown again on the Sci-Fi Channel. You can catch more of David on “Baywatch”, in the “Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.” movie and even one beloved episode of “Diff’rent Strokes.”

The Indiana band Johnny Socko has a song all about Dave, oddly-enough titled “Hasselhoff”, that you need to hear. Inspiration for this column comes from Wizard’s ToyFare Magazine and Matt over at www.x-entertainment.com.

Join us next time when the David Hasselhoff action figure runs into M.C. Hammer and then tries to court a robot.

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