Adventures With David Hasselhoff
by Josh Sullivan
David Hasselhoff, playing his role of Michael Knight, wakes up at 5am to start another adventurous day.
David Hasselhoff: “Man alive, my balls be burning! Time to turn on the a/c!”
Hasselhoff House: “I love you, David.”
David: “Shut up, you stupid house!”
David: “Time for breakfast! What shall I have?”
Whipped Cream: “Put me on your cock and lick me off!”
Salsa: “I wish you’d put your hands on me, Mr. Hasselhoff.”
David: “No, I hate you both. I want…”
David: “Yes, sweet beer… It gets my motor running.”
Bottle of Beer: “I am way too big for you to drink.”
David: “Hush up, you!”
David: “Oof! I’m such a lightweight.”
Bottle of Beer: “I’ll say! You didn’t even drink any of me yet, you shitbag.”
David: “I’ll go in this coffee shop to sober up. I hope I have enough rolls of pennies to pay for what I want.”
Sign on Coffee Shop Window: “NO DAVID HASSELHOFFS ALLOWED!”
Coffee Shop Cat: “What can I get for you, David Hasselhoff?”
David: “A triple cappuccino and make it speedy!”
Coffee Shop Cat: “Yeah, go to hell, you washout.”
David: “Here’s a tip for your great service.”
Coffee Shop Cat: “I don’t take invisible money. Get out!”
David: “Let me introduce you to my girlfriend, Mona Westervelt, Esq.”
Mona: “Charmed, I’m sure.”
David: “Uh…I have to go lay down now. I had a very grueling day.”
Pillow: “You just woke up, you lazy bastard.”
Epilogue: David Hasselhoff ended up sleeping for ninety-seven hours, Mona left him for one of The Real Ghostbusters, and he forgot to tape a “Knight Rider” marathon.
Speaking of “Knight Rider”, the show is now being shown again on the Sci-Fi Channel. You can catch more of David on “Baywatch”, in the “Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.” movie and even one beloved episode of “Diff’rent Strokes.”
The Indiana band Johnny Socko has a song all about Dave, oddly-enough titled “Hasselhoff”, that you need to hear. Inspiration for this column comes from Wizard’s ToyFare Magazine and Matt over at www.x-entertainment.com.
Join us next time when the David Hasselhoff action figure runs into M.C. Hammer and then tries to court a robot.
