Queer Eye For The Straight Guy
starring Kyan Douglas, Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Jai Rodriguez, Thorn Filicia
Life hits a new low when your sleazy girlfriend won’t move in over your mom’s garage until the Gay Fashion Platoon cleans up your life. That’s where we find Tom K on this week’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Like HGTV run amuck, we observe a crack team of 5 homosexual consultants rescue a straight guy from a life so banal, so boring, so… so… so… HETERO, that the only way he’s going to get laid is by taking advice from this vaguely Fab 5. Tom looks a bit like Jesus on Valium, and after two minutes on camera we all realize that there is no possible advice that will make him less attractive to a woman, and pretty much any random tips on body odor or sweeping will help. As the crew charges through the piles of pizza cartons and moldy Chinese takeout boxes, Tom at least acquires interesting acquaintances, and that’s a big step for him. One must take what one can, and if tough-looking Lisa will ever hang her panty hose in this dude’s bathroom, they’ll have to at least kill the smell. Yup — these five are actully going to IMPROVE his sex life.
Grooming Consultant Kyan Douglas starts by ditching Tom’s long greasy ’70s hair and replacing it with long, clean ’70s hair. Next, Design Doctor Thom Filicia shovels out the detritus of 5 years of Community College living, stocking up on candles and frou frou art from his friends’ boutiques. Food Connoisseur Ted Allen pitches in a bottle of Gewürztraminer (but neglects to include a pronunciation guide), and reveals the mysteries of poaching a Striped Bass. Once Tom grasps that this is a fish and not a guitar, he warms to the concept of cooking your own food without a microwave. As they say, teach a man to accessorize, and he can garnish for life.
Other new skills shower down on Tom, like accurate shaving and use of exotic fragrances like “Fresh Laundry”. Lastly, it’s up to Culture Vulture and Token Latino Jai Rodriguez to convince Tom to wait five minutes before asking Lisa for sex. By Jove! I think he’s GOT it!
You might wonder why the Fresh Laundry thing never occurred to Tom on his own, but, hey, that’s what gay Rent-A-Friends are for, isn’t it? The whole effect works. Tawdry Lisa appears on a cold windy train platform, and she’s just about shocked out of her thigh-high boots and rubber miniskirt by her new Metrosexual Tommy Boy. Is the change permanent? All women want to believe men will change, and all guys act like they will until the sex cools off. Lisa swallows the bait hooker, line and sinker, and as the Fab Five watch by closed circuit voyeur cam, they raise their multi-hued drinks in a toast to success — another straight guy rehabilitated! As they ride off into the Soho sunset, the viewers realize Tom and Lisa will be fighting like cats and dogs over the toilet seat in about a week. It’s a romance made in Jersey.
While you’ll never brag to mom you watch the show, the concept is shocking enough to keep you tuned in the first few episodes, and the consultants are very entertaining. Catty Carson Kressley steals the show with his swishy blonde hair and razor wit. I don’t think he could carry an entire talk show on his own, but you’ll die over throw away lines like “Somewhere in Trenton there’s a hooker who wants her shoes back.” The pathos award is split between Tom and Lisa — you know deep down in your heart this show is a temporary condition, and by next week the apartment AND Tom will look like Gwar came over for a few hands of poker. Catch this while it’s hot (like this weekend) lest Queer Eye ends up with Anna Nicole on the VHS tape you accidentally used to recorded last weeks NASCAR race.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye_for_the_Straight_Guy