Even if I didn’t say it, you’d understand it instinctively

by Marshall Presnell

1 Up: The Ocean

Dearest Mother Ocean, thank you for swallowing all the crap (literally) that we dump into you. You are so wide and so deep, yet so nice to us. I know I couldn’t take all that toxic sludge and overfishing without losing my composure. I know that people blame you for the Indian Ocean Tsunami, but that was the fault of that asshole you call your husband – the crust of the Urth.

You know that I’ve always been on your side. But now more than ever I feel obligated to defend your honor. Most forget that ice is part of you, and that if you want to liquefy Polar and Greenlandar Ice Caps, you will. Those proud masses of ice will sleep with the fishes, and polar bears will quickly drown. Many mortgage holders will wonder if they will need to reach their condominiums by boat.

All of this is “funny strange” because it is difficult for us (your children) to accept that you are as ‘human’ as we are. Garbage in, garbage out, as they say. Hold on, because we’re not that stupid. Many of us are beginning to understand that Tropical Storm Zeta is not your fault. (Although she sounds like the queen of the Zetas, she’s really windy and no fun at all.) I will always respect you for being so accommodating.

My hope is that all us idiots catch on before we have to make attempts at controlling sharks with the same broad, clumsy strokes with which we attempt to control mosquitoes.

2 Up: The Sun

Yo, Sol, I know you ain’t got much time, but just let me say:

Thank you SO MUCH for not expanding quite yet. ‘Cuz we would be really uncomfortable if you let yourself go. Thanks for keeping yourself such a svelte, athletic orb. That guy who said he saw a “little cellulite” is no longer a friend of mine. Are you on that Okinawan diet?

1 Down: George W. Bush

You, Mister President, have nerve of balls. Telling all of us, the intelligent yet unconnected, that the tax cuts you pushed through Kongress like unannounced anal sex were for US. For our own good. FOR US? Gee whiz, you must be higher – or a bigger liar – than I ever thought was humanly possible. You call what you did an action in the interest of “the worker” because, primarily, you fail to understand what a worker is.

What a worker is not is someone who has benefited from your top 1% tax cuts. Every time I see a TV ad for a credit card company I want you impeached. Every time I hear about an injured American worker I want you impeached. Every time I see pretty flowers I want you impeached.

You, Mister President, have sold the American Worker down the river, to be reclaimed by corrupt slaveowners.

Resign. Save us a little money.

2 Down: Diebold

John Diebold is dead. Long live (unfortunately) John Diebold. This man came up with the idea of no paper trail. If your bank thinks you’re lying, blame John Diebold. (By the way, that’s pronounced “Dee-Bowl-Duh”.)

John Diebold was a pioneer. He built huge electrically powered machines that would house thousands of punchcards. These filing machines could sever a human finger quicker than any normal filing cabinet.

Such efficiency did not go unnoticed by the political elite. The Washington Screwyouigensia took big notice. J Deeb was their man, and they were his bitches. Then came the election of 2000 CE. Experienced political operassholes were heavily knocked with the reaulité of forever being ass-ociated with one Ms. Kathrun Hairus. The operassholes operassed their way into deeper cover. They asked themselves: “How can we steal the NEXT election without all that noise?!!”

John Diebold was their answer. Though his lame ass could be dragged up the highest mountain he could afford, he could not outrun the reaper. You might think I’m happy that Mr. Diebold is dead, I am not. My entirely suspicious belief is that John Diebold expired due to direct pressure from the power brokers who fixed the 2000 election. Direct pressure those power hogs placed on him to keep his mouth shut about the 2004 election. If the UN had called in Jimmy Carter, would he have certified any other election with no paper trail?

John Diebold, I am sad at your passing, because I like trees. But I would sure like some relevant paper in this case, because the 2004 election was so cleanly stolen that complaint was muted, no matter how loud I screamed. Dear Mr. Diebold, you get a down because you died before you could be indicted for your part in the travesty that was the 2004 Presidential ‘Election’. ◼