Trapped in the Closet Pt. 2

Trapped in the Closet Pt. 2

More thoughts on recently unearthed promo CDs from the days of yore (read: 2003):

The Lovetones – Be What You Want

This is like the soundtrack to a CW teen drama. Pained, “reflective” pop. Sample lyric: “He never knows what he sees/he’s just a monkey in a tree…” Oy vey. “What Am I To Do” is the worst aping of the Beatles I’ve ever heard. The singer is just doing a Lennon impression. There’s no way he can be seriously singing. This is the type of music that’s really to blame whenever a kid in a Rammstein shirt brings a gun to school. I consider myself a mature, responsible adult, and the music on this CD is making me want to run outside, grab a raccoon, and throw it into traffic.

Big Midnight – Everything For The First Time

Attack of the overblown 1970s rocker song titles: “Doin’ Alright,” “Treat Me Too Bad,” “Make It,” and my personal fave, “Take the Blow.” I’m sure these guys are opening for Longwave somewhere right now. The Strokes really gave any band of skinny guys with that throwback sound a shot, didn’t they? Ooh, the singer wants to set “Little Miss Mercy” free. Good luck, dude – you look like Kimmy Gibbler on the cover of your album. Wait a minute, I just noticed something: Big Midnight has a black female guitarist who is not in any of the pictures on the outside of the album. She is, however, included in alternate shots that are obviously from the same photo session seen in the CD booklet. Are these guys racist, or did she join the group in the middle of that photo session? I guess it doesn’t matter; Everything For The First Time bores me no matter what their story is.

Very Ape – Kosher Boogie

From Sweden, Very Ape picks up the beat. Fairly generic, straight-foward rock – disappointing considering they appear to be named after a Nirvana song. But hey, at least it’s kinda fast. No doubt some kids in Sweden put this on when Mom and Dad go out so they can have a rockin’ soundtrack while they do bong hits with their pants down. Is Frampton playing guitar on this record? “Loaded” has a great riff. Almost makes me glad I didn’t throw this one away. I think he’s saying, “I’m not afraid of the dark, I wanna live!” in that one. That’s funny.

The Ruiners – How’s That Grab Ya?

Half-baked punk n’ roll. Singer sounds like Iggy Pop sucking helium. Okay, instead of just saying “boner” in “Vampire Dating,” they substituted a “BOI-YOI-YOI-YOI-NG!” sound. That instantly makes this CD the worst thing ever created. Half-baked punk n’ roll with BONER SOUND EFFECTS. Osama called; the terrorists just won.

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