Let’s Talk and Talk and Talk and Talk About What’s On My iTunes
In lieu of anything original or entertaining, here’s me putting my iTunes on shuffle and reacting to the hilarious results!
“That Neutron Taste” by the Bleach Boys
Obnoxious punk dipshit welcomes mushroom clouds and other man-made horrors. Has a boogie-woogie flavor to it. Pales in comparison to their other “hit” I have, “Stocking Clad Nazi Death Squad Bitches.”
“Baying at the Moon” by Zacherley
You know Zacherley, right? The famous horror host? This is from his much-ballyhooed album, Spook Along with Zacherley. Here he’s crooning about werewolves. His singing voice is kind of like Howard Stern’s impression of Fred Gwyne. Yes, that good.
“Detachable Penis” by King Missile
The song my girlfriend loves to hate. Probably the last truly great stupid novelty song. That guitar soloing every few bars is destroying my synapses, I can feel it. Thank you, Cousin Kevin, for not switching the radio when this came on all those years ago.
“I Don’t Wanna Hear It” by Minor Threat
I heard a funny story recently about Minor Threat singer Ian MacKaye. Supposedly he called Danzig re: the release of Legacy of Brutality to thank him for putting it out. Danzig responded by saying something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why do you think I care?” I imagine a “how did you get this number?” was also in there somewhere. See how I just avoided talking about what Minor Threat and this song in particular means to me? Goddamn, I’m Mr. Greased Lightenin’ ovah heah.
“Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” by Mirror Image
A disco version of the Christmas classic. Is there anything more unnecessary? I don’t know, but my ass can’t stop moving when that guitar starts going, “wickachukkawickachukkawickachukka…”
“My Card Says Typhoon Killer” by Gluecifer
I have no idea what the hell the title of this song means. Maybe “typhoon killer” is Norwegian slang for bad-ass. I can see myself riding a motorcycle to this song. One of those really big ones, with the handlebars out to China. A bandana around my head would not be optional.
“Jurassic Park Theme” by John Williams
Remember when Jurassic Park was the biggest thing in the goddamn world? I was fourteen when it came out, saw it in the theater, and I don’t mind telling you those dinosaurs scared me shitless. I think JW’s theme captures the majesty of seeing Laura Dern next to some gargantuan brontosaurus. I remember hearing on the radio a few days after seeing the film the first official Jurassic Park II rumors. Of course, we wouldn’t get our Lost World until 1997. In the meantime, I listened to this music on a dubbed cassette from my friend Josh over and over and over again until I couldn’t stop crying. Not really, but I did listen to it a lot.
