Holiday Time 2007-08

Holiday Time 2007-08

1 Up: The Right Honorable Congressman Dennis Kucinich

Who thinks this is a joke. This is necessary according to codified U.S. Code. Been codified for hundreds of years. Read the U.S. Constitution. Bush is the President, Cheney is already in the building. Impeach his lying, misguided ass right now.

2 Up: Our Military Personnel

All of our service people are working for us, every day. Bonus

3 Up: Albert Camus’s The Rebel, and Al Camus in general.

1 Down: “Enhanced Interrogation”

Tell me, are we all now so scared that we’ve forgotten how to act like Americans? Are we so blinded by Threat Level Orange that we allow others to act like idiots on our behalf? Do we REALLY believe that any kind of actionable intelligence will come from torture? If we do, we are not Americans anymore. “America does not torture.” President Bush was not smiling when he said that. I would like to believe that he meant what he said, bitch lies constantly, it’d be nice if he was truthful just this once…but I cannot believe what he says. In my mind I keep picturing some clean-shaven dude in a tailored suit who looks like he’s from the Midwest. But when he opens his mouth, he says, “Vee haff vays uff mayking you talk.” That’s just me. Insert your own brutalist, idiotic war nightmare. Pol Pot would say you have an active imagination. So, during this glorious Holiday Season, I modestly propose that we all personally test enhanced interrogation techniques. Here is the recipe: 1. Set up one audio recorder in your bathroom and one in your garage, and start recording. No garage? I feel ya. Set your thermostat to about 55 degrees and put the second audio recorder in the kitchen. 2. Start running a cold bath. 3. Put a jambox in the garage or kitchen, and place your least favorite CD on to spin. Select the worst song on it and put the CD player on repeat. 4. Go get in the bath. If you don’t shiver on your way into the water, add ice. Now lie down and press your shoulder blades into the base of the tub. Remain in that position for as long as you can stand. When you must breathe, do not breathe through your nose, and only place half of your mouth above the surface of the water. If you happen to inhale some small quantities of water, it will help the soufflé to rise. Continue for 45 to 47 minutes. 5. Now get out of the tub and run to the garage, falling down three times at least. 6. Go into the garage and start the jam box. 7. Assume an uncomfortable position on the garage floor. Naked. Now remain in that position for 27 to 32 hours. 8. Wait three days and listen to the audio. Delicious.

2 Down: A Big Comfy Couch

I know these are the holidays, but we don’t deserve it. Sit on the floor.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked with *

Cancel reply

Recently on Ink 19...

  • Summerland
    Summerland

    In rural England, a cranky woman bonds with and evacuee boy and uncovers a strange connection to her past.

  • Laurel & Hardy: The Definitive Restorations
    Laurel & Hardy: The Definitive Restorations

    These geniuses of early comedy finally get the presentation they are due in this Blu-ray edition.

  • Four-Letter Words
    Four-Letter Words

    No need to worry about offending delicate sensibilities with this playlist. We’re not talking about profanity, so just take the title at face value.

  • A Genesis In My Bed
    A Genesis In My Bed

    Former Genesis guitarist, Steve Hackett shares his life story in his story in an engaging and honest memoir. Reading his story feels like hanging out with a friend who’s interested in sharing how he felt living these experiences.

  • The Jayhawks
    The Jayhawks

    XOXO (Sham/Thirty Tigers). Review by Jeremy Glazier.

  • 18 to Party
    18 to Party

    When you’re in 8th grade, sneaking into a bar is way cooler than it is when you’re 40.

  • Adam
    Adam

    A pregnant woman finds a home in Casablanca.

  • 2020 on Fire
    2020 on Fire

    Sound Salvation takes on current events with a playlist addressing the current fight for racial and social justice in America and the battles playing out in the streets in the aftermath of the death of George Floyd.

  • Pokey Lafarge
    Pokey Lafarge

    Rock Bottom Rhapsody (New West Records). Review by Jeremy Glazier.

  • Landfall
    Landfall

    Cecilia Aldarondo takes a look at Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria.

From the Archives