Archikulture Digest

Nick’s Last Night

My favorite quote tonight: “Would it kill these kids to make some macaroni art?” Yes, we have commercialized Christmas to the Nth degree, and the back pressure reaches all the way to the North Pole. Santa burned out around the Nixon era, and tonight he’s finally called in an “Image Consultant,” Salvador Bagadouche (Rice). Sal belongs to the slash and burn style of management: he shakes up the elves, smashes their union, and starts filling stockings with condoms and nudie mags. The elves are ready to burn down the North Pole, despite its reputation for non-flammability. Mrs. Claus (Creaseman) tries to intercede, but soon divorce papers get posted, Santa flees to a cheap hotel and even cheaper liquor, and the elves have their unemployment garnished. Can a single elf turn things around? Of course not; that takes Mrs. Claus herself and the miracle of marriage counseling. We find a surprisingly happy ending lurking under this Christmas tree, despite the marketing promises of the poster.

I like the elves; they’re a spunky bunch of short time short people. I’d give their names, but I lost my program, so trust me when I say they are so cute you just want to pinch their cheeks and exploit them as hard as you can. Santa hits an all time low point, he was one AK-47 short of shooting up his own shop while Sal was an utterly oily, sleaze ball remorseless psychopath. I’m voting for HIM next chance I get. And while Mrs. Claus looked a bit like a trophy eternal being, it was her sympathetic strikebreaking that kept the frozen chosen holiday workers employed and the whole Santa product line alive. Mate her with Sal, and there’s no political office they can’t devastate. This is Holiday Fun for those of us that dread the holidays. Stuff THESE tickets in someone’s stockings!


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