Just a Few of My Inspirations…

I have always been an avid fan of all forms of entertainment. Whether it’s music, TV, movies, or sports, I enjoy being entertained. Throughout the years, I have tried to model my life after several of my heroes. It’s hard to have multiple heroes – each one has something in common with the others, yet is are unique in its own special ways. Most people list their parents or historical figures as heroes. I respect my parents, but let’s face it, we are completely different people. As for historical figures, I never paid them much attention because I find history boring. The forms of entertainment that I mentioned are exciting and don’t require an attention span. So here they are, just a few of my heroes.

I love football. Football has been a part of my life since I was six years old. A lot of great players have come and gone in the past 20 years. Great ones like Rae Carruth, Leon Lett, and Michael Irvin, all of whom would be great heroes for their actions on and off the field. But the one player that has contributed the most, in my opinion, is Lawrence Taylor. On the field, he was a terror to quarterbacks throughout the ’80s with the New York Giants. Off the field, he had at least three incidents of cocaine possession. The beautiful part is that he was elected into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I am convinced that if I am an outstanding employee, minor infractions such as drug possession will not only make me a pillar of society, I will also get huge pay raises.

Baseball is not my favorite sport, but I enjoy watching it every now and then. Throughout the years, there have been some exemplary players such as Steve Garvey, Otis Nixon, and Pedro Guererro. None of them, though, can hold a candle to Darryl Strawberry. He, too, has been busted at least three times for cocaine possession. After serving his latest suspension for possession last year, he was able to join the Yankees for their latest World Series triumph. The next time I get a pay raise, I am going to ask the boss if he wants to go to University Boulevard to pick up hookers and do bumps to celebrate.


Basketball is probably my favorite sport. The players are easy to relate to, they are underpaid, and they know how to have a good time. Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain had sex with enough women to fill up a coliseum. Charles Barkley throws people through windows, Isaiah Rider smokes pot, and Latrell Spreewell strangles his coach. I pray every day that I can live my life like that. It would be so great to kick my boss’s ass, quit, and go work for someone else making more money. If only all job negotiations were that simple.

I enjoy watching movies and TV just like the next person. What I enjoy the most is spending $7.00 to watch movies like The Haunting and Volcano . I have been a big fan of Kelsey Grammer since he was on Cheers . What makes him so cool is that he dates beautiful women, drinks so much that he totals his Viper, and still has the ability to win Emmys for his hit show, Frasier . Now that takes talent. Charlie Sheen is my favorite actor. He is so confident in his abilities, he decided making movies is too easy. That is why you haven’t seen him in a movie the past couple of years. He decided, and I agree with him, that it’s much cooler to do cheap pornos, pick up hookers, and do lots of cocaine. I often dream of the day I can tell my mom, “Hey, I like snorting coke off a hookers ass!” Sigh… if only I had talent.

Music is my last passion. A day doesn’t go by without listening to music. This field is ripe with heroes. So ripe, in fact, that it is hard to single one person out. With people like Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Nikki Sixx, and Sly Stone, my heart doesn’t know which way to go. But my all time hero is Ike Turner. He wrote great music, had a great career, binged on coke, and beat the snot out of his wife on a regular basis. He once said that he has done so much coke that he could stick a handkerchief up one nostril and pull it down the other. The cartilage in his nose had deteriorated to nothing. Rock on, man!!!

That’s pretty much it. As you can see, I have a busy schedule trying to follow my assorted heroes. With luck, I hope to meet some of these people one day to tell them how much they have molded my personality. ◼

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