Suburban

by Jason Nelson

Ardor and Fervor live on the same block. It’s one of those new

neighborhoods with overly sculpted bushes, and houses

built so close you could jump from roof to roof like a pajama-clad

superhero. The streets of this place are mattress-padded and

the mailboxes are made of a wobbly gelatinous substance. Nobody is sure why

the roadways are so soft, but some suspect a

conspiracy between the police and the all-powerful pudding manufacturers.

Of course these same folks suspect the makers of

Gatorade are devising a new sausage-flavored sports drink. And while the

great taste of sausage would make for a refreshing

drink, we all know that it’s just too hard to digest pig fat and run at the

same time. Every year Ardor and Fervor organize a

neighborhood party. They invite their friends Libido, Affection and

Yearning. Well sometimes they don’t call Affection because

he has a drinking problem and likes to pick fights with security. One year

they asked Truelove to park cars, but stopped when

they heard rumors he stole change from the ashtrays, and had sex with

Fervor’s girlfriend in the back of a sub-compact. She

could’ve pulled a muscle, Fervor kept yelling, she’s just not that limber.

Continue on: “Everything Comes in Threes”