Christmas Music Rant

by James MacLaren

Ok, enough with the fucking christmyass music, ok?

The only people who like the stuff are hopeless mopes and greed-crazed

merchants, who INSIST upon subjecting everyone who enters their

establishment (pity the poor souls who have to show up and endure 40!

hours, or more, of this stuff weekly) to a nonstop bath of this stuff

in the faint hope that it will induce one of the stupider lemmings on

the shop floor to buy yet another worthless (or, perhaps very

expensive, but still worthless when you really think about it) trinket

to assuage their year’s worth of accumulated guilt over not paying

sufficient attention to some schmuck or other who never deserved the

first minute’s attention in the first place.

It doesn’t come any shallower than christmyass music.

Phony, prepackaged emotions, for the emotionally dysfunctional.

Holiday cheer? Fuck you. What’s wrong with a little cheer for the other

364 days of the year? Are you such a COMPLETE asshole that you actually

NEED some kind of aural jumpstart to cause you to be CHEERFUL? If so,

you really need to a.) kill yourself right this minute, or b.) go out

there somewhere and try to find yourself some kind of a life.

I prefer to be loads of fun most all the time, thank you. Except for

when some idiot with a bogus smile welded to their face INSISTS that I

“join in” in all the “fun.”

This fucking shit is no damn fun, and anybody with more than two

functioning neurons to rub together can attest to that fact. I shall

not be obligated to your Cultural Imperialism, and neither shall I

dress out for this little P.E. class, coach.

Fuck you.

And fuck your goddamned idiotic music while we’re at it here.

If you MUST get involved with this fake shit, at least try to show an

atom or three of honest creativity, ok?

I know what let’s do, let’s see if any of you fucks can come up with some

christmyass music on your own. But, in order to keep things on the up

and up, and to keep you from just grabbing whatever audio clip-art

pieces you want, and pasting them together, let’s see if we can do it

without all the prepackaged bullshit.

Go ahead and make your fucking little harmony without the following

words:

CHRISTMAS (Don’t go giving me any shit over this deletion, ok? Stop and

think for a minute about the zillion different ways that rock and

rollers have come up with to say “let’s fuck” without ever actually

using the words themselves. Surely, if your christmyass is such a

culturally fundamental deal, then you won’t have the least trouble

making your happy little song without it).

JINGLE (Nor any variation thereof).

HOLIDAY.

JESUS (I really don’t care WHOSE fucking deal this supposedly is. I

could NOT care less for jesus, mohammed, allah, or any of the rest of

that demented crap. See above re: cultural imperialism).

SLEIGH (I live in Florida where that sort of medieval transportation

system is not required and furthermore my idea of a swell time does NOT

consist in looking at the ass end of some smelly horse from close

range).

CHILDREN (Nor any variation thereof).

TOY (Not even sex toys).

MERRY (This is a word that NOBODY ever uses. That’s because it sounds

REALLY stupid. I say let’s scrap the motherfucker and be done with it).

SNOW (See above re: Florida. Snow is for people too stupid to move away

from unlivable conditions. And then the dumb fucks attempt to convince

the rest of us how wonderful the stuff is. Yeah. Right. Sure thing,

Bucko.)

Alright. That’s enough. Now go and make your little song. And when

you’re done you can play the damned thing as much as you want.

As long as I’m not around.