Adventures With David Hasselhoff II
by Josh Sullivan
David Hasselhoff awakens from a harrowing night of sex, drugs, and rock and roll only to be hounded by a big blue dinosaur.
David: “Leave me be, fool, for I am David Hasselhoff!”
Dinosaur: “No, come a little closer. I just want your autograph.”
Dave swings on a branch towards safety and develops a charming tag-line in the process.
David’s Leather Jacket: “Please kill me.”
Thinking his day couldn’t get any worse, an unexpected run-in with M.C. Hammer nearly proves fatal.
M.C. Hammer: “I’m a better singer than you, Knight Rider.”
The Hass: “Thems fightin’ words, you! Experience the wrath of my tan boot!”
M.C. Hammer: “Gah! My shiny dance suit can’t combat that.”
Soon after, Dave visits his pal, The Tick.
David: “I’m looking for some ass.”
The Tick: “Mine’s taken by Charles Bronson. Why don’t you go ask that robot over there?”
Dave tries to woo the robot by standing perfectly still while doing his best impersonation of Abraham Lincoln.
David: “Four score and eat my ass ago…”
Curious Onlookers: “Why is Liberace trying to fuck a robot?”
David pulls his life savings out of his boot in an act of desperation.
The meandering bridge robot unleashes a noxious gas consisting of toe juice and the fragrances of several Glade Plug-Ins in order to knock Dave right on his face.
David: “Ouch!”
Robot: “Serves you right, Fonzie.”
Robot: “I’m sending you back to Hell!”
David: “Sniff..sniff. The smell of your shiny metal crotch more than makes up for this situation.”
David ends up taking a dirt nap courtesy of the robot and another day is done. The End.
Next time, the conclusion to “Adventures of David Hasselhoff” features his romantic dinner with The Hamburglar and a few other tantalizing surprises.
