Adventures With David Hasselhoff II
by Josh Sullivan
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/CU5JL4-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
David Hasselhoff awakens from a harrowing night of sex, drugs, and rock and roll only to be hounded by a big blue dinosaur.
David: “Leave me be, fool, for I am David Hasselhoff!”
Dinosaur: “No, come a little closer. I just want your autograph.”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/GGE1BX-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
Dave swings on a branch towards safety and develops a charming tag-line in the process.
David’s Leather Jacket: “Please kill me.”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/KJQYIA-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.gif)
Thinking his day couldn’t get any worse, an unexpected run-in with M.C. Hammer nearly proves fatal.
M.C. Hammer: “I’m a better singer than you, Knight Rider.”
The Hass: “Thems fightin’ words, you! Experience the wrath of my tan boot!”
M.C. Hammer: “Gah! My shiny dance suit can’t combat that.”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/4UMXKE-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
Soon after, Dave visits his pal, The Tick.
David: “I’m looking for some ass.”
The Tick: “Mine’s taken by Charles Bronson. Why don’t you go ask that robot over there?”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/IFSGPY-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
Dave tries to woo the robot by standing perfectly still while doing his best impersonation of Abraham Lincoln.
David: “Four score and eat my ass ago…”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/EI8NY4-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
Curious Onlookers: “Why is Liberace trying to fuck a robot?”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/LR0DSB-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
David pulls his life savings out of his boot in an act of desperation.
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/M8ZJTT-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
The meandering bridge robot unleashes a noxious gas consisting of toe juice and the fragrances of several Glade Plug-Ins in order to knock Dave right on his face.
David: “Ouch!”
Robot: “Serves you right, Fonzie.”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/JCNJFT-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
Robot: “I’m sending you back to Hell!”
David: “Sniff..sniff. The smell of your shiny metal crotch more than makes up for this situation.”
![Adventures With David Hasselhoff II Adventures With David Hasselhoff II](https://content.ink19.com/content/columns/april-2003/miles-of-aisles/HGXRJN-adventures-with-david-hasselhoff.jpeg)
David ends up taking a dirt nap courtesy of the robot and another day is done. The End.
Next time, the conclusion to “Adventures of David Hasselhoff” features his romantic dinner with The Hamburglar and a few other tantalizing surprises.